30

After I called a cab and got home my hard-on was gone, but I was still so sick that I could have thrown up at any time.

There was not only the idea beforehand of what she had done to me, but also what people would think if someone found out. I felt ashamed, emasculated and like shit. That's exactly why I didn't pay any attention to the others on the ground floor and quickly ran upstairs to the bathroom to immediately turn on the shower and rip my clothes off.

As I got into the shower, I could hardly breathe and the next panic attack rolled over me, which felt much stronger than any before. My heart was racing, my stomach was pounding and I was trying with all my might to just focus on the warm water that was constantly pouring down on my body while I let my head fall against the tiles and closed my eyes.

What had become of me...

I stood there frozen in my panic for a while, longingly waiting for things to get better, but it just didn't happen...

My thoughts flew to Tina and Padraig, who hopefully would just be happy sitting on the couch with the barkers. To Jake, who hopefully had the love of his life with him in the trailer right now, and last but not least, Mandy came into my mind.

I really hoped that bastard would leave her alone...

After lathering and showering myself several times, I got out of the shower and looked wistfully at myself in the mirror. The black eye was just barely visible, as were the scratches, but my eyes looked colder than ever... just like there wasn't a spark of life left in them.

What woman would still want me now? I could hardly look at myself.

I went to my room with a towel around my waist, quickly pulled on a pair of boxers and a shirt to sit on my couch and stared at the wall until there was a soft knock and I was snapped out of my self-pity whirlpool.

"Hey," Keeva whispered and entered my room together with Nero, who immediately ran towards me and sat on my legs.

"Well," I smiled as best as I could and she sat down next to me on the couch to eye me with concern.

"Are you okay? After Mandy left you hardly said anything?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," I replied, avoiding her gaze to look at Nero while trying hard to hold back my tears.

damn shit!!! I was a man and I didn't want to cry now!

"Are you sure?" she persisted and I wanted to yell at her to leave me alone, but I knew Keeva... She would keep asking questions until she found out the truth. She's always been like that...

"I screwed up," I breathed, running my hands over my face before turning to face her.

I told her everything. Everything about Irina and Fiore, everything about Jake and Jule, everything about Tina and Padraig... I confided every detail to the little gypsy and even thinking I was going to lose face because of the abuse, I ended up telling her about it too , no matter how scared I was that she might mock me.

"Oh my God," she breathed through tears and instead of judging me in any way or accusing me of being guilty of everything, she took me tightly in her arms and stroked my back soothingly, which also broke down the last walls in me. so I lost a few tears and snuggled even tighter into the crook of her neck.

"I feel so shitty," I breathed painfully, then pulled away from her to quickly wipe away the remaining tears. "Like I'm not a man anymore, just a victim."

"Don't say something like that!", she warned immediately and took my face in her hands. "You were beaten half to death by the Chinese because of Odran's cockiness. You got attacked by a mad Spaniard because you wanted to help Mandy and then you got tricked in such a hideous way by Irina because I murdered her brother. You put up with it all for the people you care about. No victim would do that."

Her words did me good, but I didn't really feel any better.

"I'm talking to Rian, he-"

"No!" I interrupted her immediately and got up in a panic to pace back and forth in front of her. "He mustn't find out about Irina, Keeva. I couldn't bear to be looked at by him afterwards."

"Then at least let me talk about the video and Fiore. About the connection to Juri and all that crap. We have to stop them somehow," she replied and then got up as well.

"Then talk to Padraig. He knows the villa and also Irina. He might know better what to do," I said, completely overwhelmed and she nodded in agreement.

"But first, lie down and rest. I'll make you something to eat and tell the others that you're sick."

"Okay," I replied and after a comfortable hug, she left me alone in my room and I lay exhausted on my bed to pull the covers over my head and give in to my thoughts until eventually I found God thank you fell asleep and could forget everything for a short time.

-

When I woke up I immediately had an extreme headache and looked around my room to see through my window that it was already dark outside.

"Fuck," I muttered, glancing at my phone first, where I'd had several calls from Jake and Irina, which I ignored and immediately put it back face down on the bedside table.

I struggled to my feet and sat on the edge of my bed, taking a few deep breaths until I heard the doorbell ring downstairs and winced slightly. By now I was really counting on everything. Especially with the fact that it could be Irina who wanted to give me the deathblow.

I got the usual racing heart again and clutched my chest, while after a short while there was a knock on my door and I stopped breathing in shock.

"Senan?"

"Mandy?" I asked immediately, getting up from my bed to quickly walk to the door and open it. I stared at her wide-eyed as she just stood there, dressed in her usual white cardigan and her hair pulled up in a loose bun.

"Senan," she repeated my name again, but this time with a wistful undertone, wrapping her arms around my neck to snuggle tightly against my chest, beneath which my heart was pounding against my ribs so hard that it was already slightly painful . "Keeva called me and told me everything. I'm so sorry," she sobbed and I immediately dragged her into my room, quickly closing the door so no one could hear us.

"What did she tell you?" I asked, avoiding her eyes on me because I was ashamed and didn't want to look at her at the moment.

"Everything... And I wish there was something I could do! My husband being involved in this, oh god," she sobbed, sitting down on my couch to wipe away her tears on the sleeve of her jacket. "And that I blamed you so much! I'm so sorry! I had no idea who this Irina was and what she..."

"Hey," I said softly, crouching in front of her to take her delicate hands in mine. "You don't have to apologize for anything."

She looked at me with her sad eyes and at that moment I wished nothing more than to dry her tears.

"I know it's probably the dumbest thing I can ask right now, but how are you?" she asked, gently stroking my cheek while I wondered if she was still looking at me the same way she was before, or if she found me just as repulsive as I found myself...

"Better now," I breathed, looking deep into her eyes, causing her cheeks to turn the familiar red color, showing me that I was probably still the same to her, just more broken than before...