81

Three days had passed, but it felt as if a lifetime of endless torment and unbearable pain had passed me by.

Carlo's warm breath hadn't gone away. I felt it on my lips at every moment, no matter how inconspicuous it was. Couldn't banish the smell of the alcohol and his body from my mind and his angry looks also haunted me, into my dreams and even further into the depths of my subconscious.

I had been trying desperately to call Emilio, but after a woman answered his phone claiming to be his fiancée, I was more than disappointed and tore up his card, feeling just ashamed and humiliated.

I couldn't confide in Anja either, because she would have told my parents straight away and I wanted to spare them even more grief. They were bad enough since I just decided to leave.

I didn't want to be an imposition, for anyone.

"One more please," I whispered to the young bartender in front of me, tapping the rim of my empty cocktail glass while he was about to pour a beer and nodded at me with a smile.

My gaze swept behind me and I recognized many people celebrating in this dark bar, but also men who were sitting alone at the tables and were probably looking for the reason for life in their empty glasses. Desperation was written all over their faces and I probably looked the same.

"There you are," the bartender snapped me out of my observation and as I hesitantly looked down at my glass, my face was reflected in the dark drink, sending a shiver down my spine.

I recognized the deep circles under my eyes that must have been caused by my late night visits, but it's still better to look so exhausted than to spend even a minute in this apartment that only brought back the worst memories in me.

I couldn't stand it for a single second in the dark within these four walls and I was really grateful that at least here, between the cold smoke, the soft Latino music and the intoxicating alcohol, I found some of my peace again.

There were people here, nothing would happen to me here. That was my thought behind it and with this in mind, I put the next cocktail to my lips and drank a strong sip, but even the pleasant taste of such fresh fruit was not able to drive the gloomy thoughts out of me.

"Can you give me something stronger?" I asked the bartender, looking at his many piercings and tattoos, until Emilio appeared in my mind again and my vision began to blur with the tears that had formed.

Despite hardly knowing him, I had such a good feeling about him that it seemed unimaginable to have to go on living without this intoxication he aroused in me... But he was engaged and certainly to a beautiful woman Woman who hadn't nearly had her virginity stolen by a drunk at night.

Surely she was wonderful, because nothing else would come into question for him...

"Try this," the pierced bartender drew my attention again and I wiped my tears from my cheek in embarrassment, only to look at the small glass in front of me that was barely noticeable on the large, dark counter.

"What is that?"

"Tequila," he answered my question politely and suddenly handed me another slice of lemon and salt on a small plate, which made me look at him skeptically.

"And that's for the hunger in between?" I wanted to know confused and was slightly startled when he suddenly started to laugh and leaned on the counter in front of me.

"You don't drink often, do you?"

His grin gave me just a hint of how ignorant I seemed, but my father didn't think much of letting me go to parties or even drink alcohol. So how was I supposed to know something that was so foreign to me.

"No, I don't actually drink at all," I replied, nervously starting to play with my fingers as his eyes seemed to be piercing me. Suddenly I didn't feel safe here either, as I felt like I would never be able to trust a man again. They were so much stronger and more powerful than I was and could lunge at me at any moment. In any case, these were my new fears that accompanied me at all times and I was glad that shortly afterwards he supported himself from the counter again and took a step back.

"You lick your wrist, put some salt on it and lick it off. Then you drink the tequila and bite into the lemon."

I looked at him like he was explaining the Pythagorean theorem to me, but I tried to follow him anyway and just did what he said.

First I licked off the salt, which left such a disgusting taste on my tongue that I had to grimace in disgust. I hastily reached for the no glass and drank the schnapps in one gulp, which immediately warmed my stomach and I quickly bit into the lemon, which gave the whole thing a kind of kick.

And I liked it!

"Another?" he asked amused and I nodded in embarrassment, only to indulge my dark thoughts again and drink so much until I got dizzy and recognized the bartender only slightly blurred.

"I guess I'll go home," I told him with a heavy tongue and suddenly winced so violently that I almost fell off the stool when he touched my arm without asking.

Startled, I looked deep into his eyes and almost had a panic attack from his proximity. Carlos had turned me into someone else and where before I was just shy and reserved I was now an anxious wreck.

"Was that your husband?" he asked worriedly, pointing to my cheek, which suddenly reminded me that one half of my face was completely blue from Carlo's punch.

"No," I answered him frantically and just wanted to get out of this shop. With his question, he awakened memories that I didn't want to admit and instead of the alcohol letting me forget, thoughts of the pain and my fear resurfaced in me that never seemed to fade.

I put my last money on the counter for him, then noticed the men's looks at me and could hardly breathe until I finally disappeared out the door into the night and the cool air calmed me a little.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up at the black sky and closed my eyes for a moment to take in the smell of the salty sea, until I decided not to go back to my own hell and instead walk down to the beach.

I resolutely put one foot in front of the other and walked quickly through the narrow streets, where I kept meeting other people, until I arrived at the exact spot on the beach where a beautiful fiesta was taking place a few days ago.

But that day there was no stage. There were no tables, no music and no Emilio either.

There was only the dark beach and the loud roar of the waves, which suddenly seemed to magically attract me.

I took off my sneakers at the edge of the narrow alley, simply put them on the asphalt together with my socks and lifted my long, yellow summer dress a little to slowly pad over the sand, which had become cold from the night.

It somehow felt like freedom and I didn't know if it was the alcohol that got me so intoxicated, or the Black Sea, whose waves played their song so wildly and uninhibited in front of me. But I didn't care either, because nothing seemed to matter.

If this fear and panic was to be my life, then I didn't want it anymore... It was unbearable and I thought at the time that I would never be able to escape the pain...

Without thinking further, I ran further and further towards the beating waves and, as if caught in a trance, began, trembling, to unbutton my thin dress, which I then let slip off my shoulders.

It fell onto the sand below me and I enjoyed feeling so free all of a sudden. Enjoying the light wind on my bare skin and smiling into the darkness with tears in my eyes while my toes were the first to enjoy the ice cold water.

"Isalie!" I heard Emilio's voice call out to me, but I was sure it was just another pipe dream because everything to do with him seemed so unreal. It wasn't real. He didn't exist.

A dream that seemed to fade more and more and eager for the feeling of being able to let go of everything, I ran further and further into the accommodating sea until I could no longer stand, my body trembled and I dived into a new world .

I was cold, but the chill faded and I lost myself in that wet darkness until I realized with a smile that I was running out of oxygen.

But that didn't matter anymore...