Chapter 35

Dinner was better than Nandani expected. There were jokes and laughter, some good-hearted ribbing. The dynamic between the Malhotra's had always impressed her, but she had started to take it for granted. What was it Manik had said that day in the car? You cannot choose your family. They may not have chosen one another, but God they looked comfortable. At that moment she saw exactly why Manik had done what he had for his father, to protect his mother and siblings. While it was hard to say with certainty, but she sensed that any one of them would have gone to the wall for the others.

The Malhotras' were a real family. For the first time in more than fifteen years, Nandani felt out of place.

A couple of times Manik reached over to touch her leg like he was trying to communicate something, but she ignored it. She had no idea if Manik and her relationship would turn into anything serious. And what if she told Mukti and it fractured their relationship? What if it did not, but Manik and she broke up? This was his family. She would not have anywhere to go.

When the pumpkin pie was done Nandani excused herself to use the washroom.

Bracing her hand on either side of the washbasin, she tried to calm down. The thoughts had been racing through her mind with increasing velocity despite the warm mood at the table.

She heard a soft knock at the door. "Hey, are you okay?"

Taking a deep breath Nandani pulled open the door and looked up at Manik.

He stepped toward her and pulled the door gently closed behind her. "Listen, about what Mukti said- about Maria..."

"I am not jealous, Manik." Though she was totally jealous.

"Nothing is going on. But I wanted another chance to talk," he said.

Nandani waited though she was pretty sure she knew what was coming. He would apologize for running off, despite knowing the ground rules they had established weeks ago, and ask if they could move forward.

"Okay, let us talk." Nandani gave him the opening and he took it.

"This sneaking around, I don't get it," he stated. "I have been trying for weeks to understand why you think this is the only way and my brain is starting to hurt from the effort. And frankly, I am starting to wonder if it is worth it."

Nandani blinked a couple of times. This was not the apology she had expected. Her brain tried to catch up as he continued.

"Let us just tell them. Tonight. Right now," Manik said.

"We cannot, Manik. I cannot." His family was the only real family she had. She was not willing to risk her relationship with Mukti, or with his family, for something she could not count on.

He closed his eyes for a moment. "Do you know what I think the real issue is? It is that you are afraid to care about someone. You give me crap for trying to live up to people's expectations instead of doing my own thing, but you do the same thing."

"What?" Nandani's voice was louder than she had intended.

"You have built up these defenses and you won't let anyone in because you are afraid to look weak. And I get why, Nandani, I do. But somewhere along the way, you have got to trust me on this."

Manik's eyes were conflicted as they held hers for endless minutes. She wanted to give him what he was asking for, but could not. Her chest tightened with every second he looked at her asking for something she had the power to grant but would not.

It was as if both of them realized this was different. That neither of them was willing to concede. And if they could not agree on this...

Manik shook his head. "It is pretty straightforward, Nandani. I care about you. I... I care a lot. But I cannot be with you and not be with you. I am not ready to lie to my family and friends, to sneak around because you are afraid to be seen with me."

He then turned and left, pulling the door shut behind him. And when he did, it felt like part of her went with him.

Goodbye, Manik, she said mentally.

*************

The week after Thanksgiving passed painfully slowly. Manik's words kept haunting her. Was he right? Was she afraid to go public because she did not want to hurt other people, or because she did not want to get hurt? Maybe it was both.

The breakup bothered her most because she could not talk to anyone about it, not even Mukti. Especially not Mukti.

In the past three months, she had gotten entirely over Aryaman. But she had come dangerously close to falling for Manik. She then corrected herself, she was not falling, rather she had fallen for Manik. She had known it at the fashion show. When he was trying to understand her. When he gave her space because she had asked for it. And then he had given her that stupid perfect bridge model he made himself.

But because of Nandani's fears of they being found out, of how that might change things, he was gone. She wondered whether he was still thinking of her the way she was about him. He had not texted or had been by to drive them to school. Mukti said something about him having sold his car, though Nandani had no idea if that was true. For her, it meant that he did not want to see her.

So she buried herself in work. On the plus side, she was close to finishing the appendices for the business plan presentation. Her revenue projections, market statistics, and distribution channels were all being neatly arranged into pie charts and tables. Mukti's three pieces from the fall fashion show would anchor the collection they would show in New York, and Mukti was well on the way to finishing the rest of the pieces.

They had a schedule that would get them to the fourth week of December when they would be pitching their designs. Crystal was going to send Nandani a list of her friends who planned to come, and she intended to use that to her full advantage; researching each of them so she understood what they did, what they liked, and what toothpaste they used.

Exams were also on the horizon, so Nandani and Alya were heading into lockdown. But in just two weeks they would be free and clear.

Nandani would be on a plane to New York the morning after her final exams were done. She would be three weeks in New York, working at the magazine for two weeks, seeing what had happened with the accounts she had worked on, coming up with ideas for next year, catching up with friends she had made in summer, and celebrate New Year's in Times Square. And of course, Mukti would be there for most of it.