Papa Wolf

I leave my car and tell Paul, the guy who wouldn't let me drive by myself, to give me an hour. He drives away and I inhale deeply before walking to the porch of the house I grew up in.

After last night's dream, I can't look at it the same way I did when dad threw a party for my 25th birthday.

Did I really fool myself into thinking we were a happy family once? Were we at one point in time? And if we were, what changed?

I plan on finding that out.

I knock and my brother Jason opens the door for me. "Lily!" he pulls me into a strong embrace, "What took you so long? Don't tell me that dude is holding you hostage. If he is, you know I will-"

"Lily can take care of herself," Dad interrupts him. "Come on in, sugar. I made us some tea and biscuits."

I gaze at the old man and it feels as though I am seeing him for the first time. He cooks now. I almost forgot. He had to learn when I left.

To think that I felt guilty after leaving makes me feel so absurd now.

We take seats at the kitchen table and Jamie runs in, jumping on me from the back. "Lily! I made something for you!" He hands me a book with hard covers.

"Well, thanks, little man." I open it and it turns out to be a photo album. "It's beautiful," I smile and give him a kiss on the cheek. I skim through a few pages and notice there is no Mother in any of the pictures. Of course. Jamie was only a few years old when she died. Nobody remembers her. Except for me and Father.

"Dad," I say and close the album. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

He seems surprised. "Of course," he hesitates. "Jamie, give us a few minutes in private."

"Agh," my brother grunts, "she just came! Why are you always telling me what to do?"

"Jamie," my dad's silent authority shows at its best.

My brother leaves, although noticeably displeased.

Dad serves me with a hot cup of tea. I have his full attention now. "What is it, Lily?"

I weigh whether I should ask him straightforward or if I should trick him into confessing. I decide it's smarter to do the latter. If I ask him about my mother bluntly, he could lie and afterward it will be impossible to reach to the truth.

"It's about mates," I play with my cup. "I sometimes feel... like I don't belong with Darius," I say and carefully observe his reaction. "I feel like this mate thing might not be as strong as people believe it is."

My father frowns, seemingly shocked by my words. "Not as strong?" He laughs now. "That is in line with saying you don't believe in the force of gravity."

It's my turn now to be surprised. He fought with my mother about other women. How can he believe in the strength of mateship?

"I still miss Ian," I try with that. "I sometimes want to run away to him and forget all about Darius," I say. The truth is I know I couldn't forget about him in a million years. I can't even fall asleep without him for God's sakes. Not without drugs, anyway.

"This doesn't make sense," my dad rubs his temples, shaking his head. "You and Darius should feel drawn to each other with such force that you can't fight it. It's how mateship works."

Liar, I think and narrow my eyes. "Haven't you ever heard about mates who split? Or... cheated on each other?" I shrug.

"Never in my lifetime," he answers at once. "There was never even such a story told. When a person has a mate...and finds it, he or she does not even think about another possible love interest. Your mate is your beginning and your end."

I try to contain the bubble of words stuck inside me, but I cannot do it anymore. I burst. "How come Mother wasn't your end?" The words come out angry.

My dad looks at me in distress. Suddenly, he is at unease. "Lily," he runs fingers through his hair, "where is this coming from?" He swallows hard, then his eye change. "You don't miss Ian, do you?" he laughs pitifully at himself. "You remembered the past and you wanted my clarification, is that it?

What?

I didn't expect his honesty.

"Yes," I nod shortly. "I remembered it," water fills my eyes, but I will not let it spill over. "The arguments, the tears, the yelling... the fights." I stare into his eyes. "I remember it all."

He gives me three slow nods.

The suspense makes seconds seem like hours.

Then he speaks.

"The answer's very simple. I bet you figured it out on your own."

I squint, anger filling me. "I want to hear you say it."

"Why?" He shrugs, a corner of his lips twisting. "You already know how come she wasn't my end."

"Say it!" I shout at my father for the first time in my life.

"Because she wasn't my mate!" he yells back. "There. But you already knew that. We were never mates."

Tears fall down my cheeks and I barely even notice. Mom wasn't his mate.

They were never mates.

"How is that possible? That we all believed in that lie?"

"Because we told you to believe in it," he lifts a shoulder. "You were just children. How could you have known what having a mate feels like?" He chuckles with pain. "But now you do. Now... all of your childhood memories suddenly stopped making sense."

I stand up, enraged. "Did you cheat on my mother? And don't lie to me."

He closes his eyes in shame and nods. "I cheated on her...once. And I had wished ever since to be able to go back in time and undo it. But I couldn't, Lila. And I am... terribly sorry about it."

I shake my head. He called me Lila. "Why do I feel like there's much more to this story than you're telling me?"

He smiles at me and says, "Because you're a psychiatrist."

"Psychologist," I correct him once more and then shake my thoughts away. "You aren't gonna tell me, are you?"

His eyes fill with tears. "Just... don't go into the woods, Lily."

Always the same shit story.

Forget it, I get up. I will find out on my own.

I pick up my handbag and throw a jacket over my arm. "Say bye to Jamie for me, will you?"

He nods.

Just before I reach the door, Dad calls after me. "Lila!"

I half turn, already clutching the knob.

"I never loved you any less because of it. Any of you. I promise."

Your promises mean nothing to me now. I leave the house.