Sleep

I wonder if being alone would have helped soothe my anxiety and anger. There was the possibility that I could have walked it out in this room or even tried to plan a mini escape and find Liza so that I could talk to her, shake some sense into her but all those possibilities crumbled when Dimitri stepped into the room and locked the door behind him.

I turned around slowly, and stared him dead in the eye. The fury I felt was a little too vivid in the air. He saw it, ignored it and walked towards the other side of the bed and laid down on his back with his arms resting on his chest. A deep exhale left his lips as he closed his eyes and prepared to fall asleep.

I never experienced such a psychopathic behaviour before.

Sure, he did things that were much, much worse. For example, kidnap me. But this was different? New? He never slept with me, we never shared the same bed before.

"What are you doing?" It was clear that he had plans of spending the night here, and yet too ridiculous to be acceptable. I thought that we had a mutual understanding or rather a sort of contract to at least giving me my own space at the end of the night. It had never been violated before and I appreciated that now more than ever. At the back of my head, I knew no matter what I did or said won't change his decision or action.

"Sleeping. You should too." Back to the emotionless talking, the Dimitri from a few moments ago, the Dimitri at the stairs who confessed, was gone. Like a switch had been flipped too quickly and with force to ensure no failure.

"W-why here? You are not supposed to be here. You need to go back to your room!" I tried really hard to suppress my outburst at the end of the sentence, but it came out more like a confused yell.

"You will have to sleep in my room as well then. You can't be left alone tonight, considering your previous adventures." of course that was the reason, and he was not wrong. I most definitely would have tried to get to Liza even in this intoxicated state, which would have undoubtedly led to ultimate failure.

"Why can't you just stop for a second? What will it take for you to stop ruining and controlling my life for at least a moment? You say you love me, but this is not love. All you are doing is hurting me. And I can never love someone like you and I never will no matter what happens. You are just a delusional little kid who is too stubborn and stupid, who has never been taught how to love. I hope you never get to feel it either. You don't deserve it." The words came out of my mouth straight and sharp with no hint of emotion except for the words themselves that were enough to slice through his stone-cold heart. Or so I hoped.

He didn't say anything and just laid there as if I said nothing at all. Unaffected and pretending to be asleep, as if that was possible in just a mere few seconds. His ignorance did fume me at first, but I knew I hurt him and just like every other emotional reaction, he was hiding it.

I stood there still for a couple of minutes and kept staring at him, the alabaster statue that barely even breathed. How could someone like him come to exist?

A defeated sigh was all that I could leave in the cold air, as my tired and intoxicated body couldn't keep up with the turmoil in me any more. I walked over to the bed with blurred eyes as they closed shut the moment my head hit the pillow. Asleep, something I wish I could be all the time.

****

A pounding headache and nausea to wake up to, would have been far better than the breathless jolt of anxiety that sped up my heartbeat to uncountable measures. I blinked several times with my hand on my chest and my mouth gasping for air. It was hard to focus but necessary to remember to breathe deeply until the chaos died down. A sort of involuntary act that kicked in on its own after all the previous run-ins with the things that I had to go through in my life.

Things calmed down eventually, but I still felt weak and incredibly tired, even though I just woke up. Although my vision was still not quite clear yet, through the dark fog, everything was too bright for my eyes to adjust to as the sun beamed brightly outside and cast its glare inside the empty room.

Dimitri wasn't here.

He must've woken up before me and left early in the morning. I couldn't decide if that made me comfortable or not. Him staring at me, my off-guard self. But at least I had the room to myself now without his prying eyes. I was most definitely happy that he was not here in the room anymore.

I fell back on the bed with a thump and rubbed my eyes. The previously mentioned headache and nausea finally settling in as the weird and sudden aches all over my body started to take over. I was still tired and wanted to sleep so badly, but the anxiety coursing through my veins like a drug just won't let me. A persistent ache in the pit of my stomach that screamed at me to go find Liza. I needed to find her.

With as much strength I could muster, I pushed the comforter off me and got out of bed and on towards the door. My vision darkened again as I stumbled a little and reached out to the door to lean against it. The spinning inside my head almost knocked me out as I placed my head on the cold wooden door, palms on the same, denying defeat as I breathed slowly once again. Recovery was short lived though and what pulled me out of it was the push from the other side of the door and the face of that vile snake that smiled the cruellest grin and looked at me sprawled on the floor from the sudden hard force, with nothing but pleasure.

He was the last thing that I wanted to face at this moment of physical weakness.

"My oh my! Lookie what we have here! Trying to please me are you? Ah, I sure feel like the king right now." He just couldn't stop being sadistic and immaculate at having the knowledge to say things that pissed me off so quickly. I was ready to shout at him angrily, but before I could do so another head peeked out behind him that shut me up real quick.

"Rosie?" My lips felt sealed shut as I stared at her with absolutely nothing in my mind. It felt too surreal to see her again. As if last night was just a dream and the person standing at the doorway with a tray of food in her hands is just a wishful mirage. Silence sat deep as I kept staring at her, and she kept staring at me, saying a million things while Ivan stood there looking back and forth at us with the most crooked smile on his face until he finally decided to break the bubble with a loud jeer of celebration.

"Okay! Let's get the party started!" Both Liza and I jumped a little and looked at him as he walked further into the room and threw himself on the bed face first. All of this was too confusing for me and nothing made sense as I kept myself on the floor until Liza put the tray on a table nearby and reached out her hand to help me up.

I stared at her hand. I was about to touch her. Hoping she won't disintegrate.

It happened quickly, she pulled me up and into a warm hug that I missed way too much to even put into words. And just like that the tears started flowing, and I didn't know how to stop.

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay. Everything is okay." Things were definitely not okay as I felt the bump of her stomach in between us.

She sensed it too, as she broke the hug first and walked over to the table and picked up the tray again. "Breakfast? I made your favourite pancakes. Blueberry with maple syrup." She smiled a smile that wasn't the same like it used to be. I suppose it was too much to ask for things to be exactly how they were after the things both of us went through.

"Yes." I laughed a little and cried at the same time. A little piece of the past that I thought I would never get to live again.

We sat down on the floor, I remembered how we used to do that so often at our home. It felt like ages ago and this hit of nostalgia was just felt too much all at once but welcome. She tore a piece of the hot steaming pancake and so did I as we sat in silence and ate while looking at each other, talking through the silence, wondering a million questions that remained unanswered for now because of the looming presence in the room that was too hard to ignore.

Ivan understood that very well as he lifted his head from the bed and looked at us, stared and then spoke up.

"Awh, you guys are being so shy! And here I thought I would need to cover my ears from all the yapping you guys would do. Thish is shad. You guys are ruining my present." He made a comical sad face that made me want to slap the daylights out of him, but instead I looked away and instead looked down at the steaming plate instead.

"Ivan, uhm c-can we please have some time alone for a few minutes. I-I haven't seen her in so long. I-we will just talk I promise. You can trust me." I stopped chewing and breathing at the same time as I sat there, surprised at Liza and her plea. She seemed so feeble and weak, and it made me incredibly sad to realise how much she has changed and broken into.

"Fineeeeeee-uh. Just this once but remember you owe me okay Lizzie?" I could practically hear him smirk with cruel intentions racing through his mind, and I didn't need to look at his face to know that he has something planned already. There was not much I could do in this situation except let it play out for now as Ivan finally walked out the door and closed it behind him leaving me and Liza alone.