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It was raining so hard.

Nothing felt right. This indescribable uneasiness, that settled in the pit of my stomach, made it impossible for me to sit still. There were so many things that I needed to do, work, but I just couldn’t because it made me feel so overwhelmed. Too paralysed by the stress of it all, as they sat on my forehead like a heavy hammer that I could not remove until and unless the things on my to-do list were scratched off.

I took the glasses off my eyes and carelessly tossed it on the desk to look away from the brightly lit white screen off my laptop as it did nothing but increase my infuriating migraine. The urge to put my own head on my lap and just stay there for a long, long time was immense, but it would make me feel more lonely in this empty house which was once occupied by Liza as well. Now it felt more dead than ever, with me being the only occupant.

The drops of rain knocked against the window pane in the complete darkness of the night. The lights inside the house were nothing compared to the moon submerged in the dark clouds which would have illuminated the foggy surroundings a bit, making this place look a little less lifeless engulfing this house in a dark abyss. The only noise alive was the rain and my defeated sighs, relentless.

How is it possible that two men and a woman could just wipe off the face of the earth without any trace?

It has been months since I was discharged from the hospital and one and a half year since I escaped. Liza was nowhere to be seen, and Dimitri and Ivan apparently never existed.

The police were not quick to give me any answers after I told them all about the horrible things that happened to me and Lizzie. They listened to it all yes, but they did not manage to do anything at all with the information I gave them nor were they able to dig up their traces by themselves. It was all a waste of time. They lived up to the typical stereotypes of cops. Useless.

It was one of those absolutely terrible moments when you feel disgusted with yourself and the things that you have done. Mistakes you have made in the past that you can not undo or scratch off as easily as one does while writing. A mark so permanent that doesn’t go away, forever sealed in the transparent lamination of time. It is there to make you remember of all the silly mistakes that have been done and yet we never seem to stop doing them again and again, even after we know where it will ultimately lead us. The awaiting guilt, sharpening its teeth. Smiling. Waiting.

I wanted to sink myself in the corner of a dark room, cocooned in a blanked, crumpled, ignored. Eyes shut tight and doing nothing at all until time passes by and I am gone. I wish I wasn’t human.

Stupid humans, wanting to survive. Even the unforgivable ones.

I sighed as I looked at the computer screen with Liza’s smiling face on it. A massive single world in bold underneath. Missing.

It shouldn’t have been her. It should have been me in her place. She just got dragged into it all just because of me. Because my cursed past, and I came into her life. She should have been living somewhere else, happy and normal. The things that I did to her... I will never be able to forgive myself for them.

I rubbed my eyes, face with my hands and shut down the laptop. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t bring myself to raise another finger to do anything at all. This has been a trend with me lately and no matter what it just wouldn’t shake off. Even if I somehow did manage to sit down to do some productive work, I would always stray away from it. Perhaps it was the feeling of defeat or guilt, hopelessness, but whatever it was, it overwhelmed me enough to run away from it.

I got out of the office and shut down the lights in the kitchen as well as the living room. It was not yet that late nor was I sleepy, but this tiredness that I felt from doing nothing at all, from being a disappointment, was enough to persuade me to just lay in bed. Sleep won’t come to me easily, it never does.

The stairs that led upstairs looked dark as I stared at them, leading upstairs, where mine and Lizzies room were. They felt like a huge mountain that I had to cross and I didn’t have the energy to do so. If I could just lay here at the bottom, then perhaps I wouldn’t have to.

With a sigh on my lips I looked down and placed my hand on the wall, one foot on the first step upwards, when suddenly the doorbell rang loud and clear. It pierced through the blurred quietness in the house and echoed against the walls.

I felt fatigued, like I was going to faint.

Slowly, I turned around and walked towards the doorway, taking my time with my cautious steps until I was standing right in front of it. Hand floating in the air, reluctant to twist the knob while the person on the other end waited patiently without single complaint.

It could have been anyone. Good or bad. Favourable or unfavourable. But I knew who it was, and I had never been so sure of anything else before. After all, I have been waiting for this day to come for a long time now.

The chilling metal against my palm, not enough to prepare me for what was about to come as I twisted it finally and came face to face with the reason I had the littlest bit of fight left me at all.

Liza.