2432 A Hybrid’s Struggle (Part 2)

"Let me finish, please." Bodya raised his hand, cutting her short. "I'm not a toy nor a pet. I made my feelings for you clear from the start and I deserve that you do the same once and for all.

"Our lives as Awakened may be long but there's no reason to waste time with a one-sided relationship."

"You are right. I have no excuse." Tista lowered her gaze. "I want you to know that I'm not ashamed of you more than I'm ashamed of Lith. I respect you and I like you for who you are.

"For being caring, honest, and protective in a world where everyone only wants a piece of me for one reason or another. I'm proud of having you in my life."

"I feel a 'but' incoming." He furrowed his brows.

"But having you around was a constant reminder of the choice I had ahead of me and of the consequences I'll have to bear. I'm not self-confident like Ryssa nor uncaring of others' opinions like my brother.

"I'm terrified of how people might treat me if I decide to become a Divine Beast. Of how much my life would change if I weren't human anymore and my skin became a mask. 

"I didn't ask you to be my date at the gala not because I thought that you wouldn't be capable of taking the glares and the rude comments, but because I knew that I couldn't.

"Ever since my brother told me to be a hybrid, I've been excited at the idea of becoming like him. He is my hero and following in his footsteps is the only thing I wanted ever since I was a child.

"Yet once my wish came true, it brought along a lot of uninvited friends. The more my core progressed and the more eyes I opened, the less I felt myself. I was turning into something different and the changes go beyond the mere physical appearance.

"Humans aren't supposed to have wings yet now whenever I use just a flight spell it feels weird, like I'm missing something. Humans don't spit fire, yet Origin Flames have become such a big part of me that when I'm angry I need to flare up to vent my feelings.

"When I don't because I'm forced to keep my human body, it eats at me from the inside. What I'm trying to say is that I kept my distance from you because when we are together I can no longer pretend to be a normal girl.

"You know and accept me for who I really am. Something that makes you special to me and yet scares me to death because I can't do the same. I'm ashamed of myself, Bodya. I don't know what I'd do if people treated me like a monster like it happens every day to Lith.

"I don't have Kamila's strength to defend my partner and my choices because I'm the first one to question my own nature. Standing up for you against those who badmouth beasts would be hypocritical of me.

"It would sound like an attempt to convince myself rather than the others."

"Well, I'm glad that you finally found the strength to admit that to yourself and to me. It may not seem much right now, but the first step is always the hardest to take." Bodya gave her a warm smile, drawing her closer in an embrace.

"Aren't you mad at me?" Tista asked in surprise.

"How could I be mad at you?" He replied with even more surprise. "You have opened up to me, blessing me with your trust and honesty. 

"It's the greatest gift you could have given me. Also, it would be hypocritical of me to criticize you. I know all too well how you feel because what you have just put into words was my life from the moment I learned about being a hybrid until I hit the thirties."

"You kept feeling like this even after choosing to become a Nidhogg?" 

"Of course I did." Bodya's eyes became unfocused as he lost himself in the memories of his past. "I second-guessed my choice for years, thinking that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Getting used to living without my human side is the hardest thing I've ever done.

"Every time I shapeshifted, I felt like a fraud. Like I was trying to deceive everyone, myself included. When I took what was supped to be my real form, instead, I felt like a freak. I missed my arms and my legs.

"Swimming through the earth wasn't an awesome power anymore but a way to hide the colossal monstrosity I had turned myself into. When I picked my Nidhogg side, I did it because I was young and stupid, not because I had thoroughly considered the consequences of my actions.

"I just wanted to retain my bloodline abilities and experience the sheer physical might of an Emperor Beast. Of course the first hours as a Nidhogg were awesome. Between my newfound size and strength, I felt invincible. A god among men.

"By dinnertime, however, I was already crying and regretting my choice. I couldn't control my hands well anymore and I kept dropping the cutlery, no matter how hard I tried and how natural it had been until a few hours back.

"I spewed acid without even noticing, almost killing my father and burning his house. Yet the worst part was the hunger." Body sighed. "I had gone from weighing like a man to being a 10 meters (33') long Nidhogg and a steak was no longer enough to fill my stomach.

"There was no way to buy and cook the amounts of food I needed. I went from eating regular meals to swallowing cattle whole. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? Sure, I kill them first, but the taste is awful.

"I tried butchering, cooking, and seasoning them. It worked for a while but it takes so much time and money that I had to give up."

"And don't get me started with how becoming a Nidhogg destroyed my social life for years. Suddenly everyone was as frail as an egg. I couldn't shake my father's hand, let alone hold a woman in the heat of passion.

"Even once I learned how to control my strength, things didn't get better. Hanging out with humans required me to lie about everything whereas I could be myself with Emperor Beasts.

"Too bad that it made things even more awkward. I felt no attraction for them unless they took human form and to make matters worse, I had no idea how to have sex as a huge snake and I still don't." He blushed in embarrassment.

"So, I can understand how you feel and I won't criticize you for it. On the contrary, I'm envious of you, Tista. You can take your time and make up your mind instead of acting on impulse to save your life.

"If you want to talk, I'm here for you. If you just want company while you think about what to do next, I'm here for you. Know that you don't have to face this alone unless you want to."