28
Away from the ocean, the wind was cool and lovely but right in front of the beach that fed from the ocean, below the cliff, the wind was salty and vicious, blowing her hair out of the tight coils. Her jacket bellowed in the wind, the cold was biting and terrible but she didn’t care. Once again she couldn’t help but think that some force was conspiring against her to ruin her life.
She was crying softly but she barely noticed. All she could think of was how low her life had become. Since the beginning of this downfall to hell she never cried once but tonight she couldn’t help it. Vera’s words were cruel because she not just called her out on her hypocrisy, she had also hit where it hurt the most – the fact that without someone as powerful as Nate she couldn’t get her footing in society anymore.
Maybe that was why she was crying because she knew she had reduced herself to nothing but a whore. The very thing she avoided on her way up was what she was doing out of necessity. She considered calling Mabel only to realize her phone was in her purse back at the event. Mabel would know just what to say – sure she would berate her for not saying something sooner but she would give her comfort from her never-ending well of motherly comfort.
Somewhere on the beach, a cheery sound echoed on the wings of the waves. From the dim night light, she could just make out two figures delightfully swimming and splashing each other in the water. Forgetting her woes for a while she smiled and watched until she heard footsteps behind her. She hugged herself tighter.
“What are you doing here?”
Nate came closer, his cologne getting stronger until it enveloped her. His arms closed around her from behind and warmth settled.
She didn’t fight his hold but she didn’t react to it either.
“Go back to your wife.”
“Vera and I are over as you know,” his voice was in her ear. He rubbed her arms through the jacket material. “I don’t care what she told you, she’s a liar, a deceitful one at that. If you know anything about her you’ll know that what I say is true.”
“And I’m supposed to believe you,” she scoffed.
“I don’t owe you any explanation, Rachel. Our relationship doesn’t give room for a deeper connection but you’re a journalist and I know you’ll go snooping around. I don’t want you snooping around in the wrong places so ask me what you want to know about Vera.”
“I want to know about you, relationship or not I don’t care. I’ve given myself to you I deserve to know the man to whom I give my body.” Her voice was hard. He sensed it and eased the tension in his body a bit. He didn't want to fight. “What does Vera have on you?”
His body tightened almost immediately. “Why do you ask?”
“Vera is right about one thing, Nate. You’re not a man to be forced into anything yet you appeared on that stage with her yesterday.”
He groaned and released her. She turned to face him. His hands were buried in his hair as he sighed deeply. “You are still hung up on yesterday?”
“I wouldn’t be if Vera hadn’t mentioned it. So what’s the answer?”
His eyes were hard, dark and stormy. “She has nothing on me.” Vera only knew what he told her anyway and that was what she was holding over him.
Rachel stared at him through narrowed eyes. She wanted to trust him but she didn’t know who to trust anymore. The divorced wife who turned out to be a slimy snake or the billionaire with secrets who offered her a chance at fame again?
Eventually, she shook her head and let out a mirthless laugh. “Honestly I don’t even know why I’m overthinking this,” she said in a high-pitched voice. “It’s none of my business right? As long as I get what I want I really don’t care what secrets you keep,” she laughed harder.
Nate was watching her without a word. His expression was stoic as ever but he was hurt, slightly. “You are right,” his voice was small and hard. “As long as you get what you want you don’t need to know anything about me, and Rachel, everyone has secrets, and I am no different.”
“You are right!” she concurred. “After all, at the end of the day, I’m just like all the women in your life; we come in get what we want, and leave better than before.”
“It’s a blessing,” he shrugged. His voice betrayed nothing. “Can’t complain about that.”
“And you’re comfortable with that?!” she shrieked in disbelief. Why it bothered her she didn't know. “Do you not want something better, something deeper? Some deeper connection with someone?”
“You had that once, has that gotten you anywhere?”
It occurred to her that they were no longer talking about his secrets but delving into each other’s weak spots, both trying to gain the upper hand by stripping the other of their pride.
“At least for the most part I enjoyed it, I loved Jacob when he was a good man. I loved him and wanted the kind of marriage my parents had with him. Yes, it didn’t get me anywhere but…”
“It left you feeling like a fool for opening yourself up to someone, didn’t it? For letting your walls break large enough to fool yourself that for once in your life someone loved you?”
Nathaniel Madden really was a sad man, she was beginning to see that. And the more they spoke the more she could see beneath the surface but it still wasn’t enough, he was holding on to his defense.
“Who hurt you, Nate?”
“No one,” he bit out. “But you do see now that letting people in is a worse cancer than keeping your walls up. You are angry at Jacob, do you know why? Because when you fell in love with him you went all in completely without saving an iota of love for yourself. That’s why you’re hurt.”
Rachel blinked. Mabel had said the same once during her years of marriage to Jacob. “You don’t love yourself anymore as much as you used to,” she had said.
Nate came closer seeing the tears brimming in her eyes. “Sometimes we don’t need love, we need freedom. Freedom to do whatever it is we want. Freedom to love or hate. Freedom to rebuild our walls. Whatever Vera told you, I don’t care to know but ask yourself, would you rather be where you were two months ago or would you rather be here?”
Two months ago she was the dutiful wife. Going to work, coming home, making dinner, occasional sex, the same routine over again. Now she was living spontaneously, charged by Nate’s unpredictability, giving freelancing a thought, seeing Jacob for who he really was. Did she prefer her past life over this?
Nate held her shoulder and pulled her close. “Two months ago did you know you loved to be tied up and asked to touch yourself?”
She looked up at him and fell under his strong spell. “No,” she mouthed.
“Two months ago you hated me,” his lips quaked. “Are your feelings still that strong for me?”
She couldn’t help her smile. “No.”
“Then why would you let mere words kill your joy? Why would you let the thoughts of a bitter selfish woman get into your head?”
“Because I barely know anything about you.”
“Neither do I know anything about you. But as adults we both agreed to the terms of a contract to play our games and fulfill our wildest fantasies, knowing me has nothing to do with anything.” He stepped back and shoved his hands into his pockets. “The world is a game of cat and rat, kitten, you get what you want with what you have.”
She swallowed. He was laying his cards on the table.
“Use me for your benefit and I will use you because I enjoy your body. Nobody gets hurt.”
Nobody, she thought. Nobody…
“Now, will you surrender yourself to your wildest desires and continue this game of ours?”
