Recruiting Natural Disasters with a Fake Smile

"You're crazy," was the first sentence I said to my reflection in the dead strategy monitor screen.

The list of names on my registration tablet shone brightly.

Commander: Amon Von Zeroth (Role: Strategy/Brain).
Support/Moral: Aerith Solari (Role: Walking Healing Totem).
Member 3: [Empty]
Member 4: [Empty]
Member 5: [Empty]

"Amon," Aerith called softly, sitting in the vice-chairman's chair while arranging chess pieces into a heart shape. "Will your friends want to join? I heard they are all a bit... busy?"

"Relax, Saintess," I replied while straightening the collar of my Commander uniform that I just snatched from Cedric. "I have a high-level negotiation technique. It's called: Emotional Blackmail."

In the world of War Strategy games, team composition is everything. But in the real life of this academy, interpersonal politics are far deadlier than unit stats.

"Follow me," I stood up. "We're going to hunt Pokemon... I mean, team members."

---

Target 1: Lukas Bright (The Simp Hero)
Location: Outdoor Sword Training Ground.

Broad daylight. Lukas was slashing at a straw dummy with a fiery spirit that made me nauseous just looking at it. Every slash was accompanied by a shout of "HIAAA!".

I walked closer, with Aerith trailing behind me.
As soon as he saw Aerith, Lukas's aura changed instantly. From a fierce Warrior to a puppy wagging its tail.

"Lady Aerith! What are you doing in a hot place like this?" Lukas jogged over, ignoring me completely.

"Hello, Lukas!" Aerith smiled, blinding everyone within a 100-meter radius. "Amon and I are forming a team for the Strategy Tournament. We want you to join!"

Lukas braked suddenly. His eyes glanced at me with a look of disgust.
"Amon? You're making a team with... him?"

"That's right!" Aerith nodded enthusiastically. "Amon is amazing! He taught me the art of 'Tactical Sacrifice'. His soul is so pure and focused!"

Lukas's face crumpled. 'Pure? Him? Zeroth?' He clearly wanted to protest, but contradicting a Saintess was rude.

I stepped forward, putting on a very fake sad face.
"Bright," I sighed heavily. "Actually, I didn't want to trouble you. I know your brain capacity is more suited to hitting inanimate objects than thinking at a strategy table."

"What?!" Lukas gasped.

"But..." I glanced at Aerith with a 'worried' look. "Lady Aerith insisted on joining. I'm worried. The tournament is cruel. What if the enemy launches a mental attack on her? I, as this weak Pacifist (liar), might not be able to protect her alone..."

I looked Lukas right in the eye. My telepathic signal was clear: 'Your crush will be alone with me, a public enemy pervert, in a dark strategy club room every night. Are you sure you want to let that happen?'

Lukas paled. His wild imagination went to work. He imagined me poisoning Aerith's holy mind.

"I'M JOINING!" Lukas shouted quickly, snatching the form from my hand.
He signed it roughly, almost tearing the paper.

"For the sake of protecting Lady Aerith from bad influences... enemy strategies! Yes, enemy strategies!" Lukas stared at me sharply. "Don't try anything, Zeroth. I'll be watching you 24 hours a day."

"Good," I took the paper back with a cunning smile.
[Target 1: Secured via Jealousy]

---

Target 2: Eylia Vulcan (The Rival)
Location: Cafeteria (Eating a jumbo portion for the third time).

Eylia was biting into a turkey drumstick when we arrived. She was rude, noisy, and ate messily. The perfect type for a Vanguard.

"Move, Zeroth. I don't have time to entertain your insults today," Eylia said with her mouth full.

"Miss Vulcan," Aerith greeted. Eylia choked, hurriedly swallowing and wiping her mouth. Respect for the Saintess was mandatory.

I placed the form on her greasy dining table.
"Sign."

"What is this? Strategy Club?" Eylia laughed dismissively. "Sorry, I'm the type who solves problems with a sword, not by moving little dolls on a board. That's a toy for weaklings."

"Oh?" one of my eyebrows raised. "So the rumors are true?"

"What rumors?"

"That the Vulcan Family is all muscle, zero brain," I said casually while inspecting my fingernails. "People say you didn't join the Strategy Club not because you didn't want to, but because you couldn't. They say you get a headache looking at a map for more than 10 seconds."

Bam! The table shook. Eylia stood up, her eyes fiery. The fork in her hand bent.
"Who said that?!"

"Statistics," I answered carelessly. "But it's natural. Reading maps and predicting enemy movements requires a certain IQ. Not everyone is blessed with that talent, Eylia. Keep eating your chicken. Let smart people handle the war."

I turned around, signaling to Aerith. "Come on, Saintess. Let's find someone else who is literate."

"STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU BASTARD!"
Eylia jumped over the table.
"Where's the pen?! Here! I'll prove I can beat you on that damn board!"

She snatched the pen from my shirt pocket, scribbling on the form with a large and aggressive signature.

"Selection passed," I muttered softly, smiling in victory. "Welcome to the team, Miss Muscle-Brain."
[Target 2: Secured via Pride]

---

Target 3: Sylvia de Frosheim (The Intellectual)
Location: Grand Library - Forbidden Section.

Recruiting Sylvia was the hardest. She didn't care about Aerith (she was an Atheist or at least Skeptical of the Church). She didn't care about cheap provocations. She only cared about Knowledge.

I found her reading a book on Ancient Mana Theory.

"Miss Frosheim," I greeted softly so as not to get kicked out by the librarian.

Sylvia closed her book slowly. Her crystal blue eyes stared at me coldly. "I'm busy, Zeroth. Unless you want to tell me why your body structure rejected my basic mana detection the day before yesterday, leave."

She was still curious about the incident in the toilet.

"That is exactly my goal," I sat across from her, placing the form on top of her book. "Join my team."

"Reason?"

"Access," I said. "The prize for this tournament is Level 2 Access to the Herbology Warehouse and the Ancient Map Archives."

Sylvia's eyes twitched.
"Ancient Map Archives? That contains locations of untouched dungeons."

"Exactly. And..." I leaned in, lowering my voice. "If we win, I will answer one question of yours about my 'Strange Anatomy' honestly. No lies."

This was a gamble. I was selling my own secrets. But in the game, giving a little lore information to Sylvia actually increased Likability without triggering a dangerous Romance (at least not yet).

Sylvia stared at me for a long time. Analyzing. Looking for a trick.
"One question per match win?" she bargained.

"One question per Tournament."

"One per Preliminary Round," she countered quickly.

"Deal."

Sylvia took her elegant quill pen, signing the form with beautiful and neat cursive handwriting.
"Don't disappoint me, Captain. If your strategy is stupid, I will freeze you on the spot."
[Target 3: Secured via Curiosity]

---

Late Afternoon - Strategy Club Room.

The four monsters were now gathered at one round table.
The atmosphere in the room was so tense it felt like the air could crack.

In the north, Aerith smiled brightly like the sun, humming softly while reading the rule manual. Her positive aura was blinding.

In the south, I (Amon) sat on the chairman's throne, trying to look authoritative even though my stomach churned because the potion's side effects were wearing off.

In the east, Lukas Bright stared at me with bulging eyes, his hand ready near his sword hilt as if I would suddenly pounce on Aerith.

In the west, Sylvia read a thick book, completely uncaring about the existence of other humans in the room.

And beside Lukas, Eylia was snapping a wooden pencil in two out of boredom. "When do we start fighting? Why are we just sitting?"

"Alright, team," I spoke up, breaking the awkward silence.

"Our goal is the Regional Tournament. The prizes are resources, money, and reputation. Your task is simple: Do exactly what I say, and we will win."

"Why do you have to be the one commanding?" Eylia cut in. "Why not Lukas? Or Me?"

"Because," I pointed at Lukas. "Lukas will save every dying pawn for humanitarian reasons, and we will lose on time."
Lukas opened his mouth to argue, but realized it was true.

"And you, Eylia," I pointed at the redhead. "You will send all troops on a suicide charge in the first 5 minutes."
Eylia pouted. "That's called a surprise attack!"

"And Sylvia," I turned to the Ice Queen. "You will analyze the terrain for too long until the enemy has already built a castle in front of your face."
Sylvia just snorted, not denying it.

"And Aerith..." I looked at the holy girl.

"Yes, Amon?" Aerith looked at me with sparkling eyes, waiting for her critique.

"You... your job is to pray that RNG (Random Number Generator) is on our side," I said, not having the heart to insult the only person who didn't want to kill me. "And make tea."

Aerith clapped happily. "I'm an expert at making tea!"

"Now," I tapped the table. The map screen lit up.
"Welcome to 'Team False Hope'. First training session: Against AI level 'Impossible'."

I looked at their reluctant faces.
This team was dysfunctional. They hated each other, or at least didn't fit with one another.
But in the hands of a Pro Gamer, even trash units could become Meta.
Especially Hero Class units like them.

"Let's show the world," I smirked (which was covered by the holy face effect, so it looked like a motivational smile). "That Justice, Power, and Magic are useless in the face of Logistics and Dirty Tactics."

[System Notification]
[Team Formed: 'Helios All-Stars']
[Average Combat Power: SSS]
[Average Teamwork: F-]
[Quest Status: Tournament Starts in 24 Hours.]

Time to teach these Protagonists how to play dirty.