Chapter 105

"Nick, sat up all night holding your mother while she cried. All night!"

Sandy added, "And where were you for the three weeks your father was in bed dying? You weren't here. You were the one Emma called when Ron needed hospice care. She asked you to tell Jennifer and Janice. You waited until three days before Ron died to tell them. Except when Ron and Emma slept at night we all were here. Not only were you to busy to come, you robbed your sisters of being with their Dad the last days of his life. And now you want Nick to stop being here?"

"You have some nerve."

"I wanted to be here! I have a company to run! I have bills!"

"You have excuses. I hope they keep you warm at night. Your excuses haven't helped your mother at all. Nick has. He's not after her money. He's not after anything except to be comforting to her. You could take lessons."

"I want to protect her."

"From what? Love, companionship, caring people?"

"No, from getting hurt."

"Don't you think it hurt when her husband of fifty years and your father is dying and you and your sisters don't drop everything and be here?"

"But, she understands why I wasn't here."

"When she would have been sitting on the couch all alone watching the ambulance drive away with Ron's body in it how much good is understanding that being here wasn't important to you?"

All three of us got up and walked away from him. Emma was surrounded by people. Her daughters had flown in from London and New York. They sat at either side of her. They stayed for two days. Her son went home before the gathering was over.

During the two days I rested a lot. Holding Emma took a toll on me emotionally. That's not a complaint. I'd do it for every one of my friends. Sitting on my front porch the second afternoon I saw the daughters take their mother out. They left in a cab. Three hours later they came back and Emma was smiling. I decided that being the companion for any and all my friends was my new career. My mission for the rest of my life.

The next day Emma called Beth and Sandy. They went to her and the three talked for a couple hours. Then, they came to see me.

We sat in the shade on my small patio. Emma started the conversation.

"Nick, I cannot thank you for what you gave me. There aren't words or actions that would even come close."

Beth put her hand on Emma's arm and said, "Emma shared something with us this morning. She wants you to know about it but it is still too hard for her to say. It took her a long time this morning to tell us. The last thing that Ron said to her was that he loved her and that she shouldn't worry, Nick would be there for her."

Sandy spoke, softly. "A couple days before Ron left he and I were alone for a few moments. He asked me if I would help you care for Emma. He said that knowing the three of us were here for her made leaving easier. She was loved and cared for."

"I don't know what to say."

"Then listen. We have learned something here. Being alone sucks! Being loved and cared for is better. From now on, in our community, we are the companions. In sickness, loss, bad weather, or death we will do just what we did. Somehow we did what was the right thing. It hasn't been a week and Emma can laugh."

"Deep inside I'm still bleeding, still in pain that all of us have been through. And, I'm back because of the three of you. We can do this for all the people we love. Can we agree to be the companions?"

I nodded. We all did. We had lunch together. I went to play bridge in the afternoon. I listened. Harvey was hurting. His son had been in rehab for a drug and alcohol problem and Harvey had his hopes up that the man would get his life in order. He found out his son had been arrested in Chicago for drunken disorderly conduct.

When the bridge time was up I called my team and we went over to Harvey's. Sandy stayed with him until ten that night and I went and sat in his living room until two in the morning. We talked. Not much but as much as Harvey was up for.

Emma brought breakfast and Sandy spent a couple hours with him. We traded off for days until Harvey sorted out his feelings and dealt with the powerlessness of wanting someone else to change. Then he came back to us. We knew he was back when I went over to have breakfast with him and he had showered and shaved on his own.

A week went by and we didn't hear of anyone needing the team. On Saturday night at just after nine my phone rang. I heard Beth's voice.

"I don't need the team. I don't want the team. I want and need you, Nick. I need you to come here and hold me, help me cry." She hung up. I walked to her home. Before I knocked she opened the door. She had already been crying. Curt's picture was not on the wall. It was on the coffee table with a box of tissues.

We went to the couch and sat together. She held my hand, looked at Curt's picture and cried. I realized that today was something big for them. I didn't need to know what it was. I needed to feel her loss. I had one of my own. I had that empty space that will not get filled. I touched my the hole in my soul and we cried together. We never said a word.

At dawn she went into the bathroom and washed her face. She went into the kitchen and made a Spanish omelet for both of us. Her coffee is always good so I was thankful for a good meal and that the crisis was over. She led me to the door and kissed my cheek as I left.

At home I took the phone off the hook and went to bed. When I got up at three to pee I put the phone back on the hook. When I came back to the bed it rang.

Beth said, "Yesterday was six years since Curt died. Every other year I had thought about dying. Every other year I cried and hurt and didn't share it! Last night you were there! You helped me cry! I love you for that."

She hung up. I hadn't said anything except, "Hello."

At seven the phone rang again. The voice was Beth's. "Have you had dinner?"

"Nope."

"Then come over. It's ready." She hung up again.

The door was open. She was standing just inside in jeans and a sweatshirt with a torn open neckline. It may have started with a crew neck but somehow now it was bigger. She had the table set and the wine poured. It was delicious. I said so.\

"I love having someone to cook for. Cooking for just me sucks! Maybe I can cook for you sometimes?"

"Can I buy the ingredients?"

"Sometimes."

"Then I accept. Do you think our friends will talk?"

"I hope so! I haven't been the subject of the gossip mill in months."

"Is that why you closed and locked the door when I came in?"

"Yes, partly."

"And, the other part?"

"I might forget to lock the door before we go to bed." She blushed and looked at her plate. I blushed and stayed quiet while I thought about what to say.

"If we go to bed, you will probably be disappointed. I haven't been able..."

"I'm not saying I want you to jump my bones! It would be nice but, what I really want is what I saw when we looked into Emma's bedroom and saw you holding her as you both slept. We backed out and left. We both went home and cried for the two hours. We have missed the holding much more than the sex. I want the holding tonight."

I sat looking at the tears sliding down her face. I thought about how waking up with Emma in my arms had felt so good, so right and how my head had told me that it was wrong. Now I was being told that Beth wanted that gift and she wanted it from me.

"Can I at least help with the dishes, first?"

Hands started stacking dishes and we smiled at each other. At the sink she washed and I dried. We were done just after eight.

"Nick, will you kiss me?"

"I can do that and I'd love to." She stood close and we kissed. Most people in their twenties and thirties will not get what kissing between people our age is like. The fire isn't out! It just isn't the same fire that it was when we were younger.

I have no idea how long we stayed in the kitchen. I have no idea who undressed who in the bedroom. I do remember that we slept in skin. We both got up twice in the night to pee. The second time we held each other and talked for a long time. We kissed more and fell asleep again. In the late morning the phone rang. Beth picked it up and I heard Sandy say, "Did he stay?"

She handed me the phone and said, "It's for you."

I said, "It's early to wake people."

"Would you come to my house for dinner?"

"Only if it includes breakfast."

"Bacon or sausage?"

"Sausage."

"Pancakes or eggs?"

"Pancakes."

"Dinner is at seven, cowboy."

I smiled. It was going to be a great summer.