Chapter 129

When she woke up at about six in the morning she was still in my arms. She opened her eyes and looked up into my face. Her eyes filled with tears and a few slid down her cheeks but she didn't speak. I was worried about what could be causing this meltdown and I guessed my safest course was to stay quiet and wait.

Her face was against my chest with her forehead touching my collarbone. Without moving she could look up at my face. She looked at me for a long time, then closed her eyes. Sometime after eight she opened them again and looked up at me. I didn't speak.

"I need to pee," she said softly.

I unwound my arms and pulled back the covers to let her get up. She went into the bathroom and I listened as she peed. When she came back to bed she snuggled against me again.

Softly she said, "I love being in your arms."

"I love holding you." I whispered, not because I thought someone else would hear but because it seemed like this was a quiet time.

Time passed and I wondered if she was going back to sleep. Her eyes were closed. She spoke without opening her eyes.

"I will miss everything about this."

"This? What this are you going to miss?"

"All of this. Living with you. Being held by you. School. All of this."

"If you're going to miss it you're leaving me, school, our apartment. Do I get to know when and why?"

"Finals are in the next two weeks. The day after school is done I have to go."

My heart felt like something unseen was crushing it. I still didn't understand what was going on. I was having trouble staying calm. I was having trouble waiting for Karen to tell me what I wanted and didn't want to know.

Karen's hands ran slowly over the skin of my chest. Her eyes closed and she kissed my chest. It was a soft gentle kiss that lasted a few seconds. It confused me even more. 'If she can snuggle with me and kiss me that way why is she leaving me?'

Near the bed I could see the alarm clock. When Karen spoke again I happened to be looking at the clock. 10:44am.

"I know you want to know everything. I know part of me wants to tell you everything. I talked with my sister and my Mom yesterday. My sister says I should tell you everything. Mom says you're young and it's better for you if I just leave."

"What did your Dad say?"

"I didn't talk to him. Mom said she would tell him."

"Have you ever seen me mad?"

"No."

"Look at me."

Her eyes opened and she looked at my face. Tears started to flow.

"I'm mad. I'm not raising my voice or throwing things but you can trust me, I'm mad. I have loved you every day since we became a couple on the last day of mid-terms. I am prepared to take you home with me for the summer. I am prepared to love you as my life partner, my wife, for the rest of my life and yours. That's not true. I was prepared to do all that. Now, I'm just mad and disappointed."

"You want me to be your wife?"

"At the back of the top drawer over there, behind all my socks is a small velvet box with a set of rings in it. They were my grandmother's rings. I was going to give them to you and ask you to wear them every day for the rest of our lives. What does that tell you?"

"You love me." Her eyes closed and she held on tighter. The tears still fell down her cheeks and wet the hairs on my chest.

"You're leaving me and you won't even tell me why. All I can make that mean is that you don't love me enough to share your life with me. If that's true I want you out of here today."

Karen sat up and opened her eyes wide.

"You're tossing me out!"

"Yes. I'll help you pack. I'll even pay for two nights at a hotel so you can find somewhere else to live, but make no mistake, you are gone!"

"I thought you just said you love me."

"You announced you are leaving me. Knowing that you are leaving my life I couldn't live with you for a week, much less the two weeks until graduation. That would be killing me slowly. I have often said I would rather die in a car crash than sick in a hospital for months. You tell me you are leaving and you want to sleep in our bed every night until you walk out the door? You are cruel."

Karen climbed into my lap and put her arms around my neck. I took hold of her arms and pushed her away. She landed on the floor next to the bed.

"I'll tell you everything! It won't change anything! I still have to go."

"I get no input. I have no say in this at all. You are cruel and I don't even know you!" I took a big breath. "Don't tell me anything. Just get out. I thought you loved me. I was obviously wrong. I just got blindsided again. Thanks a lot."

I got off the bed and went to the closet. I got the suitcases out and put them open on the bed. Karen was sitting on the floor crying. I started packing everything of hers into the suitcases. In seconds I realized that of all the stuff in our apartment well over half was hers. I put her stuff back and put her suitcases back in the closet. She hadn't even looked up.

I got my two suitcases and in ten minutes I was packed. I closed the suitcases and put them by the door.

Karen held her face in her hands and kept crying. I went to her, picked her up from the floor and put her in bed. She looked up at me and then at my suitcases by the door.

"It's easier for me to go. I couldn't live here without you anyway. I will avoid seeing you at school, because I couldn't handle it. I don't expect a phone call because you've communicated quite well that you have nothing to say to me. If I can graduate without being here the next two weeks I'm leaving and going home."

I walked to the door, opened it and walked out with my suitcases. As I turned to close the door Karen blocked the way. She was standing on our front porch naked, crying and shaking.

"Pete, I love you. I wanted to spare you. Instead I hurt you now instead of later. Please come back inside and let me explain. I was wrong to leave you out of this. Wrong and stupid."