Chapter 169

"I spent lots of time thinking about the world I want to live in. I thought about why people keep doing things that don't serve them or anyone else. I thought about how I wanted to live the rest of my life."

"Do you live in the world as you want it to be?"

"I'm doing what I can to have that world evolve into being. The book I just gave you is one way."

"Giving me a book helps change the world?"

"If you read it you may choose to make some changes to your life. You may even give a copy of the book to someone as a gift. They may read it and they may make some changes. Poco a poco changes happen."

"You are a strange man."

"Thank you. You are a smart and beautiful woman. In the not too distant future I'm going to want some food. I'll prepare us some lunch and I'd like your input about what you'd like. Feel free to look around the kitchen and let me know what you'd like."

I went back to working at the computer. Abigail went to the kitchen and looked around. The next time I looked up she was curled up in the rocker by the window, reading. I watched her for quite a few minutes. It looked good, seeing a woman in my robe, reading in my home while flakes of snow fell past the window behind her.

The fire needed some attention so I left the computer and built it back up. Then I went out behind the cabin and brought in three arm loads of fresh wood. Back inside I realized Abigail was curled up in the chair to stay warm. In my bedroom I found a good pair of wool socks and a pair of sweat pants. They would be big on her, but this was warmth not fashion.

"Excuse me. I want you to wear these pants and socks, they'll help keep you warm."

She stood and I helped her put on the sweat pants. The waist was way too big but the length was about right. When she sat back down I put the socks on her.

"I remember my Daddy putting socks on me sometimes. I feel taken care of, warm and comfortable. Thanks."

"That's the first time you've said thanks."

"I'm a bitch sometimes. I'm sorry." She looked up at me and then asked, "When we were in bed earlier, you took care of me first. I expected to be fucked and you took care of me first. I don't understand."

"I have a choice. I can live as a reaction to you, the weather, the calendar or I can live my life as cause. What I wanted was to see your face as you came. What I wanted was to feel you surrender your body to me, snuggle against me and sleep in my arms. The way to that is by taking care of you, first and always."

"Oh."

"Hungry?"

"I could eat."

"Comfort food?"

"I'm not sure what that is but, sure."

I left her to read and went to the kitchen. I made tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

We sat at the table and ate, mostly in silence. She picked up our plates and cleaned up when we were done. I thanked her.

"I just noticed something about me. I ate the sandwich you made and the soup. I wanted more. The feeling I had while I ate was like being a girl again. I didn't want that feeling to end, but I made it end."

"Why?"

"I don't want to get fat. I'm careful about what I eat, how often, and why I'm eating. That sandwich was the first sandwich I've eaten in months. Usually I eat salads. I ate the breakfast you made and then spent an hour yelling at myself for eating it. It tasted good but I didn't enjoy it. I was too busy beating myself up for eating it."

"I think lots of people do that. Do something, knowing they will beat themselves for it, both during and after they do it."

"The book says I can stop doing it."

"Beating yourself up or eating the sandwich?"

"Either. Both. I can choose to just enjoy doing what is in front of me to do. Guilt is a waste of focus and energy."

"So, what would you like to do?"

"I would like to take you to bed and for both of us to fall asleep after."

"You want us to go to bed and snuggle?"

"I want another orgasm from being eaten. I want to feel you inside me. I want to hold you and have you hold me. When we went to bed last night I was angry and feeling like you were making me into a whore. I didn't want to enjoy it. When you went down on me I tried not to let you get to me."

"How long did you last?"

"Not long. My brain isn't as strong as my nerve endings. Most all the men I've ever been with wanted me to suck them but thought there was something gross about licking me. You made me believe you were doing me because you wanted to. When I relaxed and let you do me it was incredible!"

"And you've been thinking about doing it again?"