Tanner* I Can't Do This

TANNER*

Jace and I huddled together, and I turned the television up louder as mom and dad yelled at each other downstairs.

Jace and I had gone to bed not too long ago, but the sound of our mom's screams had woken Jace, and he had run to my room.

"It's ok, buddy; everything is going to be okay. Where are your teddy and your blanket?" I asked Jace as I got up from the bed.

"Can you get them, Tanner? Teddy and boppy are on the floor; I dropped them," Jace said as he sniffed from crying.

"Yes, wait here, I will get them for you," I told Jace as I made my way to his room. I found his teddy and blanket on the floor between our rooms; I grabbed them and ran back to the room before my parents could hear me.

"I never wanted children, Jason; you made me do it. Now I feel pressured into having another one with you. Why won't you leave me alone? Go find a hore to have a baby with; I don't care but stay away from me," I heard my mom scream downstairs.

"You stopped taking your Lithium again, haven't you. Do I need to take you to the hospital? Stop screaming, or you'll wake the boys," my dad yelled, and then I heard the sound of breaking glass.

"Of course you want to send me away. Why because I don't want a baby, and I'm voicing my opinion on the matter? I'll take the boys to the zoo tomorrow, and then I'm leaving. I never wanted to be a mom; having babies did this to me. I told you I wouldn't be able to handle it, but still, you made me. I can't do it, Jason. All you do is work; you are never here to help me; Jace and Tanner drive me nuts," mom screamed.

"Chloe, I am this close to calling an ambulance; calm down," my dad yelled.

I heard more glass shattering to the ground, and then I heard someone running up the stairs. My dad burst through the door.

"Come on, boys, your Aunt Diana has arrived, and you will be staying with Blaze for a couple of days. I'll bring some clothes over tomorrow. Come on now," Dad said as he scooped Jace into his arms.

"Dad, is momma ok?" I asked.

"No, Tanner, your mom is not ok," my dad said as we descended the stairs.

"Tanner, no, don't go in there," dad yelled, but it was too late.

I ran to the kitchen, where I knew my mom must be, and when I flung open the door, I looked to see that my mom had a shard of glass on her wrist.

"Momma?"

"Get out, leave me the hell alone. Why can't you get the hell out of my life," mom screamed, then sliced her wrist?

***

"Tanner, Tanner, wake up; you're having another nightmare," I heard Mae cry into my subconscious. I woke in a cold sweat, and tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Tanner, dear, I thought you said you were going to start seeing your therapist again? It doesn't seem like that person is helping you at all; maybe you should start seeing someone else?" Mae asked as she hugged me tightly and then wiped the tears from my face.

"I was going to; I haven't found the time," I said as I slowly came back to reality.

"Tanner, that is something that is most important. I want you to promise me that you will make an appointment next week. You can't keep on like this," Mae said as she buried her head into my chest.

"I will, I promise. For now, let's get back to sleep," I said as I laid down, and Mae rested her head on my chest.

I thought I was over having these nightmares, but they had surfaced once again about two months ago. I thought having Mae in my life had saved me. I thought I had met the woman I would spend the rest of my life with, but now I wasn't so sure.

Mae had asked me to marry her three months ago; she had been begging me to ask her for over a year. Then once she had asked me to marry her, the nightmares had come back to life and with a vengeance. Then my focus turned around to not believing in marriage and children. Which had been another topic Mae had been hounding me about.

My mom had gone away for a couple of months and then came back into mine and Jace's life a whole new woman. She had never been the nurturing type, but when she had returned, she was filled with love. She took Jace and me to the park, tucked us in at night, and had started doing all of the things a mother should do. After two months, my mom had dropped Jace and me off at Blaze's house, and no one had seen or heard from her since. Jace had been shielded from our mother's countless paranoid delusions, but I had seen or heard all of them. Hence the horrible nightmares I have had since I was eight years old.

When Bailey came into my life when I was in seventh grade, the nightmares had stopped. I gave Bailey all of me and spoiled her all I could through the years. Bailey was my best friend other than my cousins Blaze, Connor, and Wade, who all happened to be my age. Bailey had been like one of the guys; she did everything with us.

Bailey and I spent all of Jr High, Highschool, and three years of college together. When I had gotten up the nerve to ask Bailey to marry me, she had told me that she was pregnant, but the baby was not mine. I had forgiven Bailey and had begged her to stay with me; I had told her I would raise the baby as my own. In the end, Bailey had left me and had married the other man. They are happily married and have five children to this day.

The nightmares came back after that until Mae walked into my life. But once Mae started talking about marriage and having babies, that had done me in. I don't believe in marriage anymore, and after my mom left me, and Bailey left me. Marriage and Babies were something I could not and would never do.

***

Mae and I had just arrived at Blaze and Lyra's home. Vega and Lyra had asked us to babysit my niece and nephews so that they could have a date night with Jace and Blaze. Both Vega and Lyra are eight months pregnant and look as if they were about to pop at any moment.

Blaze and Jace were running around like madmen trying to catch baby Jonah, and the other three, Adelaide, Christopher, and Nicholas, weren't helping by running figure eights around Jace and Blaze.

"Well, isn't this quite a sight?" I said and chuckled. Mae and I had let ourselves in, so no one had seen us arrive.

Adelaide, Christopher, and Nicholas all stopped in their tracks and ran over to me. I knelt down and hugged each one. Jonah had run to Mae, who had scooped him up and was nuzzling his chubby cheeks. I love my niece and nephews dearly; I don't want any of my own, though. Soon I would have two more nieces added into the mix. Being an uncle is heaven; there is a difference between being an uncle and being a father; being a father would never be my thing.

Lyra started Finding Nemo on the flat screen, and Nicholas, Adelaide, and Christopher ran to the mat on the floor. Vega came from the kitchen and supplied each of them with a baggie of cheesy puffs and sippy cups filled with juice. Mae sat down with Jonah in the rocking chair, and I sat with the others on the floor.

"They have all eaten and should be ready for bed around eight. We should be back around nine o'clock," Blaze said as he grabbed Lyra's hand, and they left with Vega and Jace following them.

Believe it, or not all of the kids sat through Finding Nemo; that is a rarity. Mae and I usually had kids running around everywhere, but that had not happened tonight. The movie had ended around seven, and Mae and I had taken all of the toddlers to the playroom.

Once eight o'clock had rolled around, everyone had started to yawn. The playroom looked as if a Texas Tornado had gone through it.

"Alright, kiddo's, let's clean up, and then we need to get everyone ready for bed," I said as Mae and I started helping my niece and nephews pick up the room.

Mae changed diapers, and I helped the kids get dressed for bed, and then Mae and I helped them brush their teeth, and then I had gotten them all tucked into bed.

Mae had taken baby Jonah who had recently turned one, to the living room and was rocking him when I had arrived after tucking Nicholas Adelaide and Christopher into bed.

Mae would be a wonderful mother someday, but not with me. I knew that I needed to let her go; I couldn't do it, though. I couldn't bear the thought of being without her. Mae deserved a man who could give her everything she desired. That man was not me. I knew that the time was coming soon.

***Two Days Later***

"Tanner, we need to talk," Mae said as she sat next to me on the couch and turned off the flat screen.

I already knew what Mae was going to say. We went through this every time after being around my niece and nephews.

"Yes, babe, what's up?" I asked as if I hadn't already known what Mae would say.

"I understand you do not want to get married, but I don't understand why you don't want to have a baby with me. We have been together three years, and we don't even live with each other. We go back and forth between my place and yours. Are you ever going to commit to me fully?" Mae asked as tears streamed down her face.

I thought I would have more time with Mae, but I knew that the time had come for me to let her go. Tears sprung from my eyes as I said my last words to Mae.

"I'm sorry, Mae; you deserve someone who can give you all your heart desires. I can't do it, which is why I'm letting you go. I'll get my things from you later," I said as I quickly stood up, grabbed my keys, and ran out of the door.

Writer's Note

Tanner's Unrelenting Soul is the sequel to When Dreams Become Reality. It is a stand alone, but you may want to read When Dreams Become Reality first if you haven't already because you may be somewhat lost if not. Feel free to support Tanner's Unrelenting Soul by giving a 👍and commenting at any time. Have a blessed day Sapphirian J 🥰