19

TW: depression

(POV switch)

Koa's POV

It has been three days since Tino and I's adventure in the gardens. That day was a turning point for us. It broke the barrier of awkwardness, that was until the end when I said something that made him go back into his mind, yet again.

I had just gotten him comfortable around me, and for a moment he was like I remembered. He was himself. I made sure to take Kona's advice and be my open self with him and I assume that took him by surprise by the way he looked at me when I laughed or smiled.

Something that was a very sensitive topic for us. But if I had to, to prove to him that I was his. I would never smile at another. Not even my mama. I would do that for Tino.

I saw him a few times since then, the conversations were always nice and I could feel our bond growing. But he wasn't playful, he was quiet and put together. I didn't like it. There was something more happening. Something that I needed to get to the bottom of, and not just as his mate but as his friend. I cared for Tino truly and I wanted him to know that.

Which is why I am standing in the middle of the foyer, pacing back and forth waiting for a glimpse of him to speak with him. And truly find out what is going on in his mind.

"Koa? What are you doing here? There's no meeting today." Vincent's voice rang through my ears as I turned to look at him. His voice was similar to Tino's but of course, Tino's was better.

"I was wondering if I could speak with Tino," I told him truthfully. Vin's face got tight and his eyes began to dart around as if he was hiding something.

"He can't." He said slowly, avoiding eye contact.

"Is everything alright Vincent?" He was hiding something. I took a step forward trying to close the space. Just in case he did tell me, no wandering ears would hear it too.

"I'm not allowed to say." He sighed. "Just, he can't talk right now."

"Something is wrong with my mate? I need to see him." Allister was growling in my head telling me I shouldn't ask permission to see my mate. Rather run and find him myself. Had our bond been stronger I would have felt his emotions and I would have known sooner.

"Koa, please dude. Just g--" Before he could finish I stomped past him and followed the path I briefly remember from our brief encounter before, all those years ago. Him being pushed against his bedroom door. A memory that had been tattooed in my brain.

His scent got stronger as I got closer, but then I could feel his distress which caused me to stir. I felt it come over me like a wave. My chest was tight, my head was pounding. Was Valentino emitting such sadness?

I got closer to the door and the feeling got stronger. Something is wrong. Very wrong. I lifted my hand to knock on the door. Soft but loud enough for him to hear.

"Go away." His voice didn't sound like my Tino's. No, it was soft and unsure. And it cracked slightly. I knocked again, needing to see him.

"Tino." My voice was soft, and I heard him suck in a breath and mutter a soft profanity. Moments later the door was open. But only slightly. I couldn't even see him.

"What are you doing here?" Now that he was closer and there was no barrier I could hear his voice thoroughly. He was broken. It was soft. It made my heart clench in pain to feel my mate in such agony. But why?

"I came to see you."

"Oh. Well, we can talk another day." He tried to close the door but I stopped it gently, he didn't even try to fight it.

"What's wrong?" My voice is soft to match his.

"Will--will you please just--" He sounded like he was stifling sobs. Allister started going crazy, yelling at me to open the door and hold him. Our mate. But it seems to be more than just him being sad. "Koa--please--I will talk to you later."

I moved my hand from the door and let him shut it and I heard the lock click. Though a lock wouldn't stop me from going in there if I wanted to. And I wanted to. But I needed to give him space. Time. He didn't trust me with whatever was hurting him. Yes, that hurt knowing my mate still doesn't trust I have his best interests at heart. I have to give him time. I can't force him to me. No matter how badly I want to.

"Koa." A young girl's voice pulled me from my thoughts as I realized I was still standing in front of his door. I turned to see who it was, and I recognized her as Tino's younger sister, Victoria. "What are you doing here? Who let you up here?" She squinted at me and she looked around to make sure I was the only one. Irritation was dripping from her voice.

"I walked myself up here, to check on Tino." I took a step forward away from the door. And Allister was growling at me to stop and go back.

"You need to leave. You can't be up here." She walked forward and grabbed my arm dragging me out of their wing. "Don't come back up here." She hissed at me.

Something was wrong. Whatever was going on with Tino had both of his siblings keeping me from him. But if something was wrong you would think that being around his mate would make him feel better. But as we walked back I saw their pack doctor pass by us and head toward the way of Tino's room.

"Is he hurt? I can call our pack doctor too if needed."

"No, he's not hurt. And our pack doctor is more than capable of taking care of my brother." Her grip on my arm was strong. Unnaturally strong. She was a small werewolf and I wasn't expecting her to have so much power.

It was taking everything in me to keep my temper cool and calm and not use my giftings to get someone to tell me something. But I couldn't do that to Tino. I wanted to hear it first from him when he was ready.

"You can see Tino at the next pack meeting. Until then, stay on your side with your pack. Okay?" Before I could respond she already pushed me out the front door of the pack house and closed it on me.

I squeezed my fist together to keep my anger at bay. My mate was in trouble and there was nothing I could do.

Tino's POV

I'm no stranger to this feeling.

This feeling of hopelessness.

Of failure.

Of agony.

Of unimportance.

Some days are better than others. Most are still terrible though. I just feel...I don't know. Nothing? Like my existence doesn't matter.

The feelings started right after Koa left, but the depression didn't start until a few months after. And ever since then, I've been this way. Just sad. I'm sure there are more words elsewhere to describe what I am feeling more in-depth but that's all I'm able to find.

I'm sad.

Possibly because the pressure of being an alpha has finally caught up to me. Or my mate left and now he is back and I can't seem to get over the animosity towards him. It could be the one person that knew me more than anyone else who passed away months after Koa left. Perhaps it's the way my father ignores me and treats me as if I'm a burden. Or maybe it's none of that.

Koa left about an hour ago, I don't know why he was here and how he got up here. Usually, when I go through my episodes the pack house is closed down for my privacy. So to say I was shocked to hear his voice was an understatement. I tried my best to keep it together but when he spoke with such softness and care dripping from his voice I couldn't help the sobs that came out.

I needed him gone. Far away from me. I was broken. Too broken. And even though I am sure having him in my arms would have helped immensely I just can't bring myself to have him see me this way.

The doctor calls it, chronic depression. I don't know the details. But I was diagnosed with it some time ago. And almost every month since I get these episodes where I can't leave my room. It's not like I cry. I don't cry, usually.

That was until Koa came back and now it seems all I can do is cry. This was all new territory for me. Usually during these things I just sit in silence. The sadness is there but I've become numb to it I no longer cry about it. I just sit with my thoughts, which is worse. They are always the same.

Useless.

Annoying.

Worthless.

Nothing.

Then he came back.

I've been crying all day, barely holding myself together long enough to tell him to go away.

I've also been told that not only do I have it, but so does Zay. Which is why he rarely speaks. Or moves or does anything anymore. Which makes days like these even harder. Because it's not just the pain I am carrying. It's him too.

I had thought for just a moment that maybe my episodes were over. I hadn't had any in a few months. I thought maybe I was getting better. Then it all came crashing down last night while I was showering. The pain hit me directly into my chest, and the panic set in. And tears that flowed effortlessly down my face.

My therapist says it's because I am experiencing a lot of change and it's not good for me. With the passing coming up, Koa coming back, the rogue situation getting out of control, and even sleeping with Genna. Have all affected my mental health.

Robert, my therapist, says I need to better regulate my emotions. And once I can do that then these episodes will be far and few in between. But I don't even know where to begin with that.

This is all new territory for the pack doctor and my therapist. Not many wolves have had depression before so they've had to go into the human world for answers. And it seems many humans are depressed like me because they have a plethora of options and research on how to help me.

Since the news of my mental health, my father has become hard towards me. Which is why he speaks to me the way he does. You would think if a parent found out that their child was in pain and suffering they would be softer. More understanding. No, it was quite the opposite with him. And I think that just broke my heart even more.

Vin did his best to cheer me up. Whether that is coming in here and spending the day in bed with me. Or Victoria will sometimes do homework in here, or watch a movie. Just so she knew I wasn't alone. She would force me to get out the bed and help me in the shower.

When I was in episodes like this it was hard to do anything for myself. Even eat. Use the bathroom.

I'm so grateful for Vin and Vic. They do things that I'd never in a million years ask them to do. Clean my room. Do my laundry. Help me shower. Bring me food. Spend time with me. Let me know they love me.

I couldn't ask for better siblings. I was undeserving of them.

"Can I come in Tino?" I heard the pack doctor, Phil call out from behind the door. I forced myself out of the bed and unlocked the door and laid back in the bed. He and Robert walked in moments later and sat at the edge of the bed.

This was their usual visit that always happened when I was in my episode. And I already knew what they were going to try and have me do.

"You know why we are here," Robert spoke. But I didn't move to look at them. My eyes are heavy and puffy from all the crying I have been doing.

"We want you to reconsider medication. Something to help regulate your nervous system." Dr. Phil spoke.

Meds. They wanted me on meds. I have been against it since the moment they mentioned it a year ago. But they haven't stopped recommending it. I've said no times before because one, I didn't want to seem crazy. Imagine if someone in the pack found out that their alpha was taking pills. The embarrassment alone would kill me and have me lose my title. Another time they mentioned taking it and I said no was because there was a 30% chance that it would suppress Zay even more and I can't have that. It was either both of us or nothing.

"We have found a new formula that would help you and Zay." They made a new pill. Yay. "I know you're resistant to it but I think this might be beneficial." He paused. "You don't have to say yes right now, just think about it." Dr. Phil rested his hand above my leg like he was about to touch me but then immediately pulled away.

Touch makes me violently ill when I am in my episodes. And it sucks because that is the only thing that I want. The only thing I crave. To be held, my mother. Have her rub my head and tell me everything is okay. And yet the touch of my mother makes me throw up and convulse in pain.

It's like my body doesn't want me to get better. Because I know if I could just be touched I would feel so much better. Even if it's just for a moment. I would kill just to have a moment.

"We will be back to check on you tomorrow." They knew I never talked much when I was in my episodes. I was too tired. Talking was an extra strain and extra work I didn't want to deal with. So I just stayed silent. I was mute.

The moment they left the room and I was left alone, the tears began streaming down my face once more.

I pushed myself further under my blanket and closed my eyes praying to the goddess that sleeps to find me and that this episode doesn't last too much longer.