7

I don't really know what I feel anymore.

This week in itself has just been a bad week. It's Friday. At least this'll all be over soon. Starting Sunday, I will go on a two week long search for my mate for the sixth time since I turned twenty.

I don't have much hope anymore. My gamma, Calum, found his mate, Savvy, three years ago. My beta and delta are both mateless, but they haven't been waiting as long as I have. They don't need this as much as I do.

Calum will watch over the pack while we're gone. My beta, Keane, has always come with me. For the past two years my delta, Emmett, has been staying back. This year he'll be coming with. He says he has a good feeling.

I admire his enthusiasm.

I have to do a lot of work before and after the trip in order to not fall behind, but I think I bury myself a bit too much. I hate this time of year. It's a painful reminder to me of how sad and lonely I am. I have virtually everything anyone could ever want. The title, the power, the pack, the friends, the house, the money, anything I could ever need or want.

Correction, nearly anything.

I'm missing my mate. She is someone no one could ever buy.

The she-wolfs who say they love me don't really mean it. They love the idea. They love the money and power that comes with the title of being my mate. Not many can actually handle being the Luna Queen.

She'll complete me. Love me. Help me. Heal me. In return, I will do the same for her. I'll help her in any way I can, heal her from any past scars she may have, protect her from all of the worlds darkness, provide her with unconditional love and support. I'll do anything for her. Even give her the world, for goodness sake. All she'd have to do is say the world, and I'll be a puppet on her strings.

I just need to find her.

I struggle with loving people. I realized I have abandonment issues when I was twenty-two. I did therapy for a good two years, ending just last year. It was very frustrating at first. I didn't understand. I was young and naïve. Thankfully, I slowly got to the root of the problem. I've tried to patch things up with the people who gave me these problems, but they've been completely uncooperative.

The clock on my computer reads 6:08 P.M.

I woke up twelve hours and eight minutes ago and got straight to work. Got out of bed, dressed, and into the office. I haven't eaten yet and have been sitting at this desk for basically twelve hours straight.

There's a knock on my door.

"Come in," I say. My voice is scratchy. I should probably get some water.

"Hey, Harley," Keane greets, walking in. I just nod.

"You good?" he asks, sitting down in one of the chairs on the other side of my desk.

"Yeah . . ." I say, rubbing my eyes.

"Man, have you eaten today?" He also.

I shake my head. I sigh and lean back in my chair. Keane walks over and turns off my computer.

"That's enough work for today. Let's go downstairs, yeah?"

He helps me up. I hate that I need the help, but what can I do? There's only me to blame for my body being unable to function properly because of how I've been treating it.

Keane helps me down the stairs and into the living room. He gets me on the couch and heads into the kitchen. I can hear Calum and Savvy laughing in the next room over. I can't help my jealously. They know that, and I scoff when they go silent after Keane whispers to them.

Emmett hops over to the couch with me from the chair he was sitting on.

"What's on?" I ask.

"Criminal Minds," he says. I nod.

A glass of water is placed next to me. I look up to see Keane again.

"Thank you," I say softly. He just gives me a nod.

I pick up the glass and soothe my throat. I hate that everyone here feels that they have to treat me like a fallen soldier. Someone hurt, to be cautious around, to take care of. Can I blame them? No. On some bad days I'd start destroying stuff. Even now I cringe at my previous behavior.

I felt like I was going crazy. It was terrible.

The smell of pizza wafts from the kitchen to the living room. I'm entertained by Emmett's commentary more than the show. He loves everything Reid and Hotch say. Anything else is questionable. I can't help but smile and chuckle softly. I can tell he's making a point to go over the top, but that's okay.

The smell of pizza starts to make me feel nauseous instead of hungry, but I stop myself from going upstairs to my room this early.

There's a training session tomorrow morning. That'll help me. I'll wake up early, snack, train pack members, maybe myself considering how I've been, eat, shower, and cut a few hours off work in the morning incase I need to nap. If not, I'll read or listen to music. I just need to do something other than work. A hobby. I'll get to work around 10 or 11, work for just an hour, probably have food brought up to my office, and then work for a few more hours until this time tomorrow. I'll need to set a timer for hourly breaks. Stretching, walks around the castle, stuff like that. Then I'll have supper, maybe work from bed or do more hobby kinda stuff, and then go to bed. Get some ambien to help me sleep.

Keane brings out my plate of pizza, taking Emmetts place when he goes to get his own.

"I know this week is hard for you," he starts off. "Emmett has a good feeling. I do, too. This is the year. You don't want to meet her and be unable to take care of, protect, and provide for her, right? You gotta take care of yourself, first."

I nod.

He has a point.

He always has a point.

Curse him and how well he knows me and my need to provide.

Once I eat a few slices, I head back upstairs and into my bedroom.

For the past six years, I've kept half of my closet empty. That space is reserved for her clothes.

I never sleep on the same side of the bed as the night before. It's her choice where she wants to sleep.

I've kept the majority of my bulletin board blank, ready to fill it up with pictures of us. I have a few on the sides of my siblings and friends. I hope she won't mind my love of photography.

I always put the toilet seat down. I keep my stuff to the left side of the counter. I make sure to keep it clean. I keep the bottom shelf of the cabinet empty.

I think I'd be okay with having not found my mate yet if it weren't for my wolf, Hollow. He disowned me for a year or two, not talking to me, because of the mistakes I made. I completely understand why he did. When I fixed my act, we slowly became friends again. Sadly, when we couldn't find our mate after three years, he came up with this idea that as punishment for my actions, we'd be mateless forever. Hollow blames me.

Ever since, he's grown distant and my mental health has been slowly deteriorating, taking my body down with it.

I really hope Keane and Emmett are right. I don't think I can last much longer . . .

"I know. I won't."

"You also can't let Danny know I'm here," Jayce says without thinking. Rayna nods, opening her mouth to ask but deciding not to.

"Okay. He came looking for you not long before you got here."

"Really? What did he say? What did you say?"

"He just asked if you were here. I told him I haven't seen you and asked if you were okay. He asked if I cared about you even after all you've done to me and I said yes, you're my brother. He told me my heart was too big and left," she explains in what was probably too much detail.

Jayce nods, laying back down.

"He's right. Your heart is too big."

"What does that mean?" Rayna asks.

"No matter how many times someone hurts you, you'll still care about them."

Rayna goes silent, thinking. It's true.

"You draw?" Jayce asks, seeing her sketchbook. She clutches it to her chest.

"Y- Yeah. Please don't let Johnathan know. He'd-"

"It's okay. I know. I won't tell anyone," Jayce cuts her off to reassure her. She takes a few deep breaths and sets it in her lap, looking down at it.

"Can I see?" he asks hesitantly.

"Sure," she says softly, standing up, closing the sketchbook, and handing it to him. She didn't want the first thing he saw to be a sketch of the Polaroid picture of Danny kissing his cheek as they cuddled that she found in his desk drawer when she hid the pills.

He flips through the first few pages.

"Is this your friend? What's her name again?" Jayce asks, showing a page of Naomi.

"Yeah. Naomi."

He nods. He continues flipping.

"Is- Is this me?" he asks.

Rayna swallows, looking at her drawing of him. "Y- Yeah."

"It's really good, Rayna."

She smiles. "Thank you."

Then, he gets to a dark page she must have forgotten to move to the dark side of the binder.

"Whoa . . ."

"That's my emotions," she tells him without thinking. He looks at her.

"Rayna . . ."

He's breathless.

It's of a diamond heart. It's shiny and light, but everything around it is dark and slowly creeping into it, cracking it's beauty.

"I'm so sorry," he apologizes. Now she's breathless.

"Wh- Why?" she asks.

"I've never wanted to hurt you. When Dad told me to I- I turned my emotions off, basically. I should've helped you more, to make up for it. I'm such a shit brother."

He sets the sketchbook down, and she sees the tears in his eyes.

"It's okay," she whispers, sitting on the edge of the bed and wrapping her arms around him. "You aren't a shitty brother. You're a future leader. That's a lot of responsibility. Johnathan is the only example you've had set for you. You've always wanted to be like him. You've always looked for his approval. I knew that you were lost. I knew you didn't mean it."

"Goddess, you're right," he mutters, sitting up. "I don't like that man, yet I've always been looking for something from him."

Rayna feels this instinct kick in that she didn't know she had. She rubs his back in a soothing manner and holds him close enough to comfort him. He rests his head on her shoulder.

"You remind me so much of Mom," he mumbles.

"Really?"

"Yeah. She had such a big heart, even for an asshat like John. I'm so glad she brought you into the family. I just wish the rest of them felt the same way."

Rayna nods.

"I do, too."