◆ How Do You Really Feel? ◆

◇ KEL ◇

"And how do you really feel about it?"

"Nervous. Sometimes terrified. But mostly guilty."

I turned to look at him, quite surprised by his admission.  A pleasant surprise.

He trusted me enough to tell me how he really felt. Perhaps his family's most recent issues often stressed him out.  Enzo seemed anxious now, his hand fidgeting on his lap, his leg restless.

The likelihood of Leandro facing trial must be the main reason.  Miles had mentioned Enzo decided to  testify against his own brother, which I imagined was frowned upon by the entire Tomassini clan.  Must be why Enzo didn't stay in Florence for too long.

"Of Leo?" I inched closer to him.  "Why?"

"Well,  put it bluntly, it's still betrayal. To them, I have no loyalty. Terribly selfish. Self-righteous.  Yada yada..."

I sighed. Although I was relieved that I didn't need to ply him with a single ounce of alcohol to get him to open up, seeing him this distressed conjured up a multitude of sympathy for him. I was used to seeing him all smiles every time we hung out. I was used to him being the chatty one.  The optimistic one.  Always so sure of himself.

"No. You're doing what's right. You just wanna help those kids."

"I do."  Distractedly stroking the back of my hand, Enzo sat back and ignored the people passing by.  "I feel guilty enough that they're gonna have to look him in the eyes again. And they'll feel obligated to risk their lives again just to help put him behind bars."

"Hey. You, Miles and Ricchar are helping them enough. Like Rafa and his parents.  And you're just doing the right thing. Don't ever think you're the bad guy."

"I am." He sighed out loud, biting on his lip as he tried not to scowl.

"No."

"I'm one of the bad guys. Everybody knows it."

"No. You're not your brother." I gripped his arm to hug him lightly. We sat on a bench facing the half-empty carousel, the fun and catchy melody somewhat diluting the somber mood.

"I enabled him."  Enzo shook his head weakly.  "I just...  I chose to stay away from it," he murmured.  Another scowl drew faint lines on his tan face.  "I'm not gonna deny it. All these years, I just lived my life. Turned a blind eye. Let things get worse."

"Enzo, come on. Playing the blame game's not gonna undo anything." I pulled away.  "He made his decisions. You tried to stop him. He didn't listen."

"I didn't try hard enough."

"No. He had a choice. But he chose to get worse. He only cares about himself."

Enzo held my hand and kept mum.  He stared at the kids on the carousel.

Unlike us, they looked happy.  Just having fun.  Not a care in the world...

"You tried. Okay?  That's all that matters."

"Grazie." He squeezed my hand.

[Thanks.]

I stared at him again.  His dark brown hair almost reached his shoulder now, while his frown and creased brows  told me he wasn't done prolonging this unnecessary guilt trip.  "If you need to talk to someone, I can set you up with a friend.  She's a highly qualified professional."

He smiled faintly and glanced at me.  Then he let go of my hand.

My heartbeat quickened again.  "I'm sorry, i-if that sounded..."

"It's alright." He chuckled.  "At least you care." He leaned closer.  Our arms were touching now. Then he kissed my hand.

"You can talk to me. Okay?"

"I know."

"You can always talk to me.  About anything."

"Yeah. Alright."  He stroked my palm, his lips no longer stuck in a frown.  Thankfully.

It hurt seeing him hurting.  I just wanted to see him happy.  Enjoying his life.  The fruits of his labor...  One sincere, dimpled smile from him easily brightened my day. "Don't shut me out  again. Like last time."

"Yeah." He itched his forehead, snickering, looking a tad uneasy. "Sorry. That was stupid."

"Or tell me you're gonna go AWOL 'cause you wanna move on." I scoffed.

He laughed again, a quick, throaty chuckle.

I bit back a grin.  Although it happened months ago, I could still replay in my head how he acted that night he told me he needed to stay away so he could "move on"...another memory I'd rather forget.

"Didn't know how else to say it."

"Whatever, man. I lost sleep over it." I pinched the side of his waist.

It earned me a low, guttural laugh from him.  Not the fake "I'm only laughing to seem nice and interested" kind.  He never faked niceness whenever we're alone.

And I loved his real laughs as much as I loved seeing him smile.  Yeah.  My crush on him only got worse.  But it was a secret I wasn't ashamed of.  "You were PMS-ing so hard that week."

"PMS-ing?" He made a face. "You sayin' I was just being dramatic?"

"Why?" I squinted and waited for his next retort.  My heartbeat ratcheted up when he just kept eyeing me while our thighs and arms touched.  "Were you actually jealous of him?"

"Get real." He rolled his eyes.

I cackled.

Then he stared at me again, looking more serious now. "But, seriously, I'm glad and relieved you're, uh, handling it all well. I thought, after what Leo did..."

"No. All good."

"I'm glad." He sighed and didn't speak for a while. His hand lingered beside mine,  getting warmer on my knee by the second.  "And relieved."

"Same."

"But you still remember it?" he mumbled. "Or some of it?"

"Dr. Sheppard says my brain blocked out most of it, but...there are hazy flashbacks sometimes." I shrugged. At least now my chest no longer felt like I was having a heart attack  every time I talked about that horrific night. That time his brother used me as a punching bag after accusing me of being a spy, and that I was seducing Enzo to get intel on their family's  underground deals with the mob.

How Hollywood mafia.  Jeez.  Turned out Leandro was just snorting too much of his own contraband.  Or at least that's what Miles told me.

"Good therapist?"

"Yeah. I can talk to her about anything. Mental health check-ups is so important, man. Talk to someone, if you're stressed out, and feeling burned out."

"Isn't that expensive here?" Enzo scratched the side of his head.

"The private practice doctors, sure. Definitely out of my budget. But she's employed by the school. Often she doesn't even time our sessions."

"Ah. That's good." Enzo looked away and cleared his throat. "Glad it's helping."

"Miles is also seeing a therapist now."

"Yeah?  I called him before I left Florence.  He couldn't get off work.  Said he's stuck in the office, with Eleana."

"Yeah.  She's CEO now of SF Shipping.  And Ricchar's COO.  And Miles will be running their hotel chain soon."

"Yeah. I heard about it."

"Great.  Right?" I smiled.  I felt so proud and relieved when I heard the news.  And even prouder when Miles told me he was doing better, no longer heavily dependent on drugs.

"Anyway, just tell me if you need some cash. Wire transfer is easier now."

"Oh jeez..."

"What?"

"Just give it a rest. Please."

"What?" Enzo frowned and pulled away.  "What'd I say?"

"Y'know Gaia calls you my sugar daddy now." I held back a grin and scoffed at his confused look.

"What?"

"You heard me." I shook my head and tried not to laugh.  Gaia kept using the term lately whenever we got to chat about Enzo, and it just stuck.  Only a matter of time before she told Jill or my mom all about it.  "She said it's funnier that you're just a few years older."

"Yeah. It is." He chortled.

"I'm fine. Thank you. I don't need more of your hard-earned savings. I feel guilty enough. Probably why your brother hates me."

"No." He scoffed.  "I'm just doin' what a friend would do."

"Fine."

"I know you need the money more," he said in a louder voice.  "For tuition, bills and other expenses."

"You worry like a mother hen. Seriously." I palmed my cheek and glanced away. "You're actually worse than Jill and Mommy combined."

"Yeah? Well, tough. I'm not goin' away anytime soon." He shrugged.  "Just focus on starting residency soon, so we can have those pretty graduation photos up on the wall."

I crossed my arms and covered my smile with my hand.

He'd always been positive and pragmatic about helping me finish med school, always motivating me so I could live my goals and dreams.  He was the new best friend I didn't expect or ask for, keeping me sane, saving me from another bout of misery for not having lived up to my potential.

Whatever that saying meant.  Yeah.  I owed him a lot at this point.  Not just money.

"Your dad would be so proud." Enzo sighed.

"Likewise."  I stared into his beautiful eyes and let the words sink in.  Daddy Jim would be proud, indeed. Rest his soul.  We all missed him.  Especially Mommy.  I could only pray and hope my dad had found eternal peace and happiness wherever he was.

I sat still.  Enzo glanced around us and leaned closer to me.  Uncanny how we shared remarkably similar parallels now.  We both just lost our fathers.  We both just got dumped.  And we're both trying to surpass another point of uncertainty in our life.

He seemed more well-adjusted than me, though.  Much like the first time we'd met.  That day he almost got killed by Ilya's hitmen, Enzo pretty much laughed it off.  Walked the whole thing off like it was nothing.

"What?" He smirked when he caught me staring too long, his cheeks slightly blushing again.

Was he bothered by my stares?  "I just like your face a lot." I stuck my tongue out. "But you could use a shave."

He squinted at me, grinning and stroking his thick and dark beard.  "Want me to shave it all off?"

"Depends." I shrugged and reclined, enjoying how the late afternoon sun warmed my face, arms and legs.  A sudden rush of excitement bubbled up in my chest.  I'd never dropped a come-on in front of any guy, unless it was in a humorous manner.  Then again, he wasn't just any guy.

"On what?" he murmured, his face almost touching mine.

"If you'll finally kiss me tonight."

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