◆ Secret Desires ◆

◇ KEL ◇

The slowest minutes ticked by. Or maybe it was just me hoping the strained silence wouldn't last this long?

Neither of us felt like talking.  I couldn't even think of anything sensible to say.  Much less the right thing to say.  For a while I just watched him lie motionless on the other side of the bed.

Enzo scowled. He was merely inches away from me, distractedly staring at the door. He wouldn't even look at me.

Was he waiting for me  to address the elephant in the room?

Crap.

I held in a sigh, concealing my nudity with my rumpled dress.  The room felt stuffy all of a sudden.

The lights stayed dim, but the thought of him seeing everything again now bothered me.  As far as memory served me,  he'd never seen me this unclothed.

It wasn't what really made me uneasy, though. I just wanted to make sure he was okay with what happened.

Totally unexpected. Totally out of our minds. We didn't even bother to use protection.

Heck.  I didn't see this coming. This night was supposed to end with me dozing off on some statistical discussion paragraphs, as scheduled...not with both of us in his new bed, undeniably naked, and awkwardly gauging each other's feelings.

Screw it. I needed to clear the air. Somehow. "Hey. I have to go back to the apartment now."

Enzo sighed and shut his eyes, making a face, his crow's feet showing. "Sorry." He faintly shook his head.

Why "sorry"?  And why did he look so...guilty?

He got out of bed in haste and put on pants. Like he was suddenly too embarrassed to be naked in front of me. The ceiling lights stayed off, but the nightstand lamp kept the room softly lit.

I watched him and his every movement, his ruffled hair matching mine. All because of me. I loved touching his soft brown hair. And his face. Hands. And his toned arms, broad shoulders, firm and muscular back...

Enzo avoided my eyes and reached for his shirt. He got dressed in seconds while I remained completely naked under my wrinkled dress.

Sure...he'd said I looked "perfect".  But the shyness crept right back in the second he got up from the bed, propping his hands on his hips while murmuring swearwords to himself.

Oh no. He's upset.

None of this should have happened.  The consequences should have daunted me and made him stop before it got out of hand.  It was crazy how fast it all happened, but I didn't feel absolute regret.  With my heart relentlessly hammering onto my rib cage, I clutched the fabric of my sleeve and waited for him to say something else.

What exactly was he apologizing for?

"Why're you saying sorry?"

Enzo sighed and kept his back to me. A tense silence enveloped the bedroom. "'Cause I hurt you."

What? He thought he intentionally hurt me?

"You should've said something."

"You didn't. You didn't hurt me." I tried not to talk louder or make a face. But if he kept avoiding my eyes and stopped talking to me...

Scowling again, he moved closer and glanced at me.  Apparent confusion wrinkled his face.

"What?" Did I sound dishonest?

He stared at me, dark brows knitting, the look on his face seeming  more discouraged than confused.

"I'm fine."

"No. I got rough." He palmed his forehead. "Sorry," he murmured with a deep sigh.

I stayed on his bed. Should I sit up or leave now? Did he want me gone?  "I'm fine, Lorenzio," I insisted, my voice almost barely audible.

Vivid memories of what we did told me I wasn't completely fine, but I was trying not to remind myself of how good it felt when he kissed me, caressed me, pleasured me with his mouth...and when he felt me with his fingers again and again, leaving me gasping and moaning loudly while he properly showed me how he made love.

Everything about it's just...impossible to forget.  I could still feel him inside of me.  Some dull ache lingered, but I didn't want it to go away.

Did he fully regret all of it?  Why?

I held my breath.  Was I that bad in bed?  Did I not satisfy him at all?   Maybe...I should apologize.  Did he want me to?

"Cazzo." He turned his back to me and stepped away from the bed.  Like he was having a hard time accepting what just happened. As if it embarrassed him.  "Stupide, Lorenzio.  Pezzo di merda."

I stilled on his pillow.  Why's he so upset? Just because of what we did? Or because I didn't tell him he was my first? I glanced down.

There wasn't a bloody mess on his  covers. But, maybe he just didn't prefer a lazy, inexperienced lay.

My gut ached.  Every muscle in me felt almost numb.  Slowly and quietly, I knelt on the mattress to put on my dress.

To him, it was all a mistake.  Okay.  So he's definitely seeing someone new.

Of course I was just the side chick.  "Relax. I can keep a secret," I murmured when he sighed again.

Enzo flumped down on the bed. He sat on the farthest edge, maybe to seem close while deliberately avoiding any more physical contact with me.  "Merda." He grunted and buried his face in his hands.

Great. The very confirmation I needed. He certainly regretted every second of it.

"I'm leaving now."

"Are you dressed?"

"Yeah."  I got up from the bed and bit back the tears. The painful tautness in my chest just made it harder for me to breathe.

"Alright," he muttered without looking at me.  "Let's go back to the apartment."

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The drive back to my place felt like it took forever.

Strange—his new house wasn't more than an hour away.  I sat still the entire time, trying my best to hold back frowns and sighs while he avoided me.

His driver just parked in front of the three-storey building of the apartment complex, his bodyguard right on the front seat.  To my left, Enzo sat closer to the window.  He barely looked in my direction throughout the drive.

The seatbelt remained tight across my torso.  Or was it just my chest that felt painfully tight?

Did he think it was my fault?  Maybe he thought, we wouldn't have ended up sleeping together if I just stopped flirting with him before things got out of control.  Maybe he regretted every minute of it.

Fine. Sure. I shouldn't have kissed him. And teased him. I shouldn't have forgotten boundaries.

Then he wouldn't have kissed me back if I didn't start the fire so willingly.  Almost desperately.  Yet I didn't feel downright shame.  Just a profound sense of uncertainty and disappointment.

Would he forfeit our friendship because of one stupid night? Did he really think I only seduced him? Maybe he's now thinking I deliberately planned this all along?

"Bye. Thanks for the ride."

"Wait." He caught my wrist before I could step out of his car that mildly smelled of him.

I almost flinched at his grip, but it wasn't tight or painful. "What?" I sat still and looked him in the eyes.

The cold backseat stayed dim.  The small scar on his hairline was still visible, though. Right above his forehead.  A reminder of his first gunshot wound.

I could almost feel how warm and slick his blood and wounded skin felt underneath my hands.  Like it happened yesterday.

That time, he was a complete stranger who just happened to be there in behalf of his brother. I had no idea about his family then.  But I did my best to stop him from bleeding to death.  Thankfully he surpassed that terrible day with only a few scars and some bad, hazy memories.

Neither of us expected we'd reach this point.  Moving past the miseries of adulthood and repressing feelings I shouldn't prolong weren't really my strong suits.

"Can we, uh..." Enzo quietly cleared his throat while his hand held mine. He stared into my eyes now.  "Can I come up?"

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