391 Broken [5]

'What happened to me?'

I don't quite remember. My mind was hazy, and my body hurt all over. 

"Haaa…"

I breathed out, and my eyes slowly opened up. 

The first thing I saw once I opened my eyes, was the full moon hanging in the sky. Next to it were the millions of stars sorrounding it.

'Beautiful' 

I thought. 

Alone in the sky surrounded by many different stars, a deep sense of tranquility enshrouded my mind. 

"You back to normal?"

It was faint, but I could hear a familiar voice next to my ears.

I turned my head, and my eyes soon paused on a figure. Leaning against a broken tree, with his arm on his knee, Kevin looked at me.

"Looks like you've recovered."

A fait smile hung on his face. 

'Ah…'

It was then that fragments of memories started flooding my mind, and I was able to understand what had just happened.

Without saying anything, I covered my face with my arm and proceeded to turn my head back to its previous position.

'I lost it.'

I knew that there was going to be a chance that I would lose myself when confronting Aaron. It was also because of this that I chose to handle the situation as quickly as possible. 

Rather than losing myself then, in front of everyone and the Union, I would've rather have lost myself alone, but…

'Why were they here? How could they suddenly show up out of nowhere?'

They weren't supposed to be here.

They weren't supposed to see me in this state...

"Are you not going to say anything?"

Kevin's voice sounded once again. 

I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell him a lot of things...but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. 

"We haven't seen each other for over three years. Everyone here thought you were dead…and the first time we see you again, you suddenly go into this crazy rampage…"

Kevin's words sounded calm. But, as I laid on the ground with my eyes closed, I could feel the sadness hidden within his voice.

'Why is he sad?'

I wondered as my chest stung. 

Does he perhaps feel betrayed by what I did? Disillusioned that I was not the same Ren that he previously knew? Maybe. 

Silence enveloped the surroundings.

"…You really don't have anything to say?" 

Kevin asked as he disrupted the silence. 

I shook my head. 

What did I have to say? Do I tell them that I'm broken?…That the me that they used to know was no longer there?

'I…I don't know what to do.'

"I somewhat know how you're feeling."

His words made my brows furrow slightly. 

Moving my arm down, I peeked through the narrow gap. 

Letting out a deep sigh, Kevin lifted his head and stared at the moon in the sky.

"Haa…Ren…I've got many things that I want to say to you…but…"

Lowering his head, our eyes met. He smiled faintly.

"…I'm just glad that you're okay."

"Ah…"

My lips trembled, and my eyes started to hurt. Covering my eyes once again, I tried to hold myself back…but it was hard. 

What I've been through. The loneliness and pain I felt when I was suddenly thrown into the Monolith. 

Just when I thought that things couldn't have been worse, I was forced to become a fugitive and had to escape the human domain. 

It was then that the loneliness inside of my heart increased. I started to realize, that maybe…just maybe…the world was trying to tell me something.

'You don't belong here.' 

And maybe the world was right. At first, I thought that it was just me…but with each passing day, the idea started to take more and more semblance inside of my mind, until finally, I thought, 'Maybe I truly don't belong here.'

Once the idea sprouted, despite my many attempts at trying to not think about it, it continued to grow inside of my mind.

It wasn't long before that was what I thought each night when I went to sleep.

The times I thought of killing myself, trying to numb myself from the pain that I was undergoing each day. 

I thought that maybe I really didn't deserve to be here, but…

'…I'm just glad that you're okay.'

Those words.

They were simple words, yet, the moment Kevin said them, it felt as though someone stabbed me straight into the heart.  His words pierced harder than a dagger ever could, and my emotions stirred once again.

"Say, are you crying?"

Kevin's voice sounded once again. This time, it was a lot closer. 

"Hey…are you really crying for what I said?"

My brows knit as I heard his voice. The previous emotions that I felt numbed down, and what replaced them was annoyance. 

"Heee…you really did cry..." 

Sensing the subtle teasing tone hidden within his voice, my mouth twitched.

The annoyance within me grew even more and before I knew it, my mouth opened.

"Fuck off."

"…ha? Did you just tell me to fuck off?"

"I did. The tone of your voice pisses me off."

"Wha—"

"You finally understand how I feel whenever I hear your voice."

It was then that, cutting Kevin off, I heard another familiar voice. Without even seeing who spoke, I could tell who the voice belonged to.

Melissa.

Who other than her would ever say those words? 

"I kind of already knew the feeling before."

I replied back. 

"You did?"

"Yeah, after all, I used to talk to you."

A brief moment of silence ensued after I said those words. Of course, the silence did not last for long as I soon heard the sound of sleeves being pulled upwards.

"…alright."

"Wait, Melissa stop! Stop!"

Kevin's panicked voice sounded. I didn't even need to look to understand what was happening.

"Let me go, Kevin! As you can see, he's still not in the right state of mind. I need to give him an extra dosage. One…no, he needs ten more before he finally recover—"

"Pfttt…"

Before I knew it, my stomach started to tingle and my moth trembled. I suddenly burst out laughing.

"Hahahahaha."

"Oh look, great. He's completely lost it."

Melissa's voice rang amidst my fit of laughter.

Removing my arm away from my face and propping my body against a tree behind me, I finally got to see a closer look at everyone present.

They had changed a lot. Compared to the last time I saw them, when they looked a lot more childish, the people in front of me had now fully matured.

Finally letting go of Melissa, a relieved look appeared on Kevin's face as he said. 

"I'm glad you're feeling better."

I could feel the genuine relief in his voice as he said those words, and I smiled as a result.

"…ukh."

But just as I was about to speak, I suddenly felt a sharp pain by the side of my chest. Lowering my head, I rubbed the area that was hurting. 

"Ren, are you okay?" 

"I'm fine." 

Reassuring Kevin, I unbuttoned my shirt to get a closer look at my injuries. 

Taking off my shirt and taking a closer look at my body, my brows jumped up slightly. 

"No wonder it hurts." 

A large blue bruise traced from the right side of my ribs to the bottom part of my chest.

'This was probably from Amanda's arrow.'

The memory was faint, but I could definitely tell that this was because of Amanda's last shot that hit me directly in the ribs. 

Touching it slightly, I flinched.

"Fuck that hurts!"

Taking a potion from my dimensional space, I quickly chugged it down. Slowly, the wounds started to heal, and the pain slowly subsided. 

Once I took the potion, lifting my head, I noticed everyone staring at me. 

Surprise flashed across my face. 

"Hm? What are you guys looking at?"

Raising his hand, Kevin pointed it towards my body.

"Ren, you…"

"Oh, right I forgot."

Realization suddenly dawned on me, as I scratched the back of my head. 

'Right, I'm currently shirtless. How careless of me.'

Grabbing my shirt, I put it back on.

As I was putting it on, I tried to apologize to the others. 

"Sorry, I completely forg—"

Right as I was buttoning my shirt back, a hand grasped my wrist. Turning my head, I found Amanda next to me. Her eyes locked onto my body. 

"What are you doing?"

I asked. But she promptly ignored me. Extending her hand, she took my shirt away. 

"Oy!" 

Startled by her sudden action, I looked up, but when I did, the words that were about to say became stuck.

"You…"

With an indifferent look, Amanda just stared at my body. 

At first, I found her behavior odd, but when I looked at her and looked into her black eyes, I could see a rare display of emotion hidden deep within them. I saw that same look before...but I just couldn't quite remember when. 

Standing up, Amanda turned her back against me. Seemingly trying to hide her expression away from me and the others.

'Why is she reacting like that?'

I wondered to myself, staring at her back from where I was.

Turning my head and seeing the others who displayed similar odd reactions, I looked down, towards my body, and it was then that I finally realized why everyone was reacting so strangely.

Without saying anything, grabbing my shirt, I quickly buttoned it up and stood up.

Scratching the back of my head, I tried to play it off.

"Haha, surprised by how much I've changed?" 

Walking up to them, I shrugged my shoulders.

"Don't worry about those. I can get them removed anytime. They are nothing major."

"Pleas…e stop lying."

It was soft. Almost inaudible. But when I heard those words, my feet came to a sudden halt.

Turning my head, I looked at Amanda who still had her back turned on me. Her shoulders trembling a little.

Biting my tongue, I forced a smile. 

"It's fine. What you saw were just scars I got from my training. They aren't anything worth being wo—"

"Ren, stop."

A hand pressed against my shoulder. It was Kevin. 

Shaking his head, Kevin had a complicated look on his face as he looked at me.

"I won't ask you to tell us what you've gone through…but, please,  stop trying to pretend that you're alright when you're not."

"Stop pretending?" 

"Yes. Stop pretending to be someone you're not." 

Staring in Amanda's direction before turning to look at the others, I let out a long breath.

"Huuu."

Lifting my head, I stared at the sky.

'Stop pretending…When was the last time that I've done that?'

The last time I acted like my true self?...was there ever a time? 

Thinking about it, I have never ever been my true self. I always wore a mask to hide my real feelings.

The reason why was obvious, no? 

As the leader of the group, I couldn't show them their weak side. Who would follow a broken leader?

No one.

Even with my parents, I had to pretend to be someone else as I had taken the body of their real son.

Even at the Lock, I always pretended to be this weak extra and accepted the abuse from the others just so that I wouldn't have to expose myself. 

Was there ever a time when I did not pretend for once? 

Closing my eyes, memories flashed inside of my mind. From the happy times to the sad times, I started to recall everything. 

They say someone remembers their saddest moments more vividly than their happiest ones.

It was only now that I finally understood what they meant.

Out of all the memories that I tried to recall, most of them were made up with sad ones. 

"You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not when you're with me. I won't judge you for that." 

Kevin's words powerfully rang inside of my mind as I opened my eyes again. 

"Haaa...haaa..." 

Breathing out a couple of times, I tried to suppress the inner turmoil inside of my head before finally, mustering every little bit of strength inside of my body, I muttered.

"Pl..ease help me."