Did it break me?

“We are the architect of our own heartbreak.”

•E V E L Y N•

At night…

I groaned as the pain in my abdomen increased, rolling over my side to be stopped by something wrapped around my waist. I frowned and slowly peeled my eyes open. The room was still covered in dark, so I extended my hand and switched on the lamp.

Removing the sheets off of me, I froze as the sensation of the thing wrapped around my waist came back and also the wind hit my bare skin with full force. I looked down at my waist and saw an arm wrapped around it. My eyes widened, gulping as my gaze followed the arm to the hand and to the shoulder attached to it and then the owner of the shoulder.

It was none other than Xavier, he slept like a baby with a beautiful smile on his face. His hair fell over his forehead making him look perfect even in his sleep.

I covered my mouth to stop myself from screaming on the sudden realization.

What have I done?

Tears pooled in my eyes as I saw my naked self and didn't even think about removing the other half of the sheet covering Xavier's other half. I slowly tried to remove his arm off of me but failed because his grip tightened.

Somewhere at the side of the nightstand, I found his shirt lying on the floor. Angling my body at the edge of the bed, I picked up his shirt to cover my upper body.

Leaning into the headboard, the thought of having sex with my boss or we could say my husband had me shudder. I wiped the tears that escaped my eyes. Thinking of morning when Xavier would find what happened might give him a chance to reject me.

I was unable to move out of his grasp and couldn't really bear the thought of him rejecting me or even insulting me after what we did. Contemplating on what could or could not happen next morning, I drifted into a dreamless slumber.

Present…

Ever heard of a phrase saying, make a clown of yourself. Didn't even know if it was the correct phrase or not, but you got to know what I might be feeling right now.

Was I bitter?

Absolutely.

Hurt?

You bet your sweet ass I was hurt.

Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then sadness turns to anger. But should I be angry?

The answer should be on the tip of your tongue… No. I don't have any right to be angry at him because I might have done the same thing if I was betrayed.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew the consequences of being attached to the only person I betrayed. And maybe in the midst of his politeness, I thought, maybe somewhere in the deep pools of his forest greens, he saw me.

The real me.

What a grave illusion it was! Why would Xavier Knight whom I betrayed would ever consider anything except loyalty from my side. And maybe he was right. I might be one of his side chicks who got screwed last night.

But, for me that night was special, it was something I kept for my life partner to be shared with. His hatred ran so deep that he didn't even realize taking my virginity.

Did it break me?

No, it didn't.

Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, glamour or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power could indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they were part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that called us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power were easily perceived as attractive solutions.

I had been trapped in there for a very long period of time and as soon as someone accused me or criticized me, as soon as I found myself thinking, I was rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I found myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am nobody. I am no good… I deserved to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned."

But now Evelyn Rose Williams' perspective has been changed, I don't let my dark side take control over my thoughts. I started learning that self-rejection was the greatest enemy of humankind because it contradicts the sacred voice that called us the "Belonged and beloved."

Of course, listening to his confession of being with Savannah hurt the deepest parts of my heart as I haven't felt like this before, as if an animal had dug its claws inside my chest and was now tightening it's hold around my heart.

The reason was that before, when I knew he hadn't moved on yet, I thought there might be a minuscule chance for us. But now seeing him with her made me realize that our marriage had ended a long time ago and now we were beyond the mending point.

I heard his shower went off…damn! He did say leaving his room before he came into it after showering. Grabbing the sheets as they had the proof of my virginity being taken away… hence the blood stains, I hurriedly stood up followed by a sharp pain shooting in my abdomen as well as between my legs.

Running out of his room, I entered into mine before closing the door behind. Few traitorous tears left my eyes, cascading down my cheeks as I let my emotions flow out at once for all.

This would be the last time that I would be crying over my destiny, because… let's face it there was no coming back except accepting it and moving forward.

Xavier chose to move on and now this would be my chance to do so, not to forget I was given another chance to live with my brother, happily.

Wiping my tears from the face and placing the last brick to my courage wall. I stood and trudged towards the bathroom to wash off every mark, every memory and every claim of Xavier Knight from my body and mind.

Washing it off my heart won’t be that easy, but one can hope, right?