Feeling

The memory that I’ve been trying to bury keeps on popping into my mind, and I’m going to relieve the pain again. Being stared at by the guys in the gym because I was too fat, they kept on telling me to go back to the kitchen and cook something unhealthy to eat. Told me that I wasn’t supposed to be in the gym, I don’t belong there. That there is no hope of losing the extra weight. Telling me that I should just give up and accept the body that I have, and wait till I’m dead. That’s what my ex boyfriend led to… leaving me.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

The scene is still clear to me. It’s not that long. It’s still fresh in my mind. It’s just like yesterday that my loving boyfriend cheated on me. Cheated on me because I was fat. Looking back now, I knew he only used me to make everyone think of him as this nice guy, and made everyone think that he is doing charity by making me his girlfriend. Without knowing that he is just sleeping around while we are together. That he didn’t love me at all.

But I was a fool, I didn’t know better back then. I didn’t know anything at all. That is the first shed of attention I got. I was overwhelmed. Thought it was love, thought it was forever. It is all just thought.

Zack is a very loving man, handsome and fit. He is the man that every woman wants. That’s why I wondered why he stayed with me. But I always believed in him and that his feelings were genuine.

He is always there for me whenever I need him. One call and he will be there. He made all my insecurities go away. Never it came to my mind that he will be the one to traumatize me much worse than my insecurities.

He supported me through the rough parts of my life and I was there for him. I did everything to be the best girlfriend he could ever have but it wasn’t enough for him. He always thinks that I was too much, he thinks that I’m too clingy and doing so much for him. I don’t know why he doesn’t like it, that’s all I could do for him but he doesn’t like it. Our relationship obviously is not perfect. Like any other couple, we used to fight a lot.

It’s just fun for the first time. We are a good couple but for the next month we weren’t. It became a worst nightmare for the both of us. He became distant. He always sees a problem in everything I do. It made me think that even my breathing made him uncomfortable, he wanted me to leave his life but I don’t want to. He is my life but what could I do if he always initiated the fight. He would always blame me for things I never really understood like he couldn’t go out with his boys when I was with him.

I never met his guy friends. He never asked me to meet them, and when I asked him. He would always say there’s no point in meeting them, but you shrugged it off. Maybe he is right.

Soon enough, I felt that he was being cold. He doesn’t have time for me anymore. Before, we had a promise to always go on a date or walk once a week, but I didn’t even see him for a month.

So I decided to go to his favorite gym, and there I saw him with a thin girl he was making out with right outside the gym.

My heart thudded so fast that I couldn’t hear anything aside from its loud beat. I was stunned. My feet felt like they were stuck from where I stood. I couldn’t do anything but stare at them. They hadn’t noticed me yet.

They aren’t even hiding anymore.

Warm liquid flows down my eyes. My throat went dry. I want to scream at them, run to them and push him off her. I grabbed her hair and slapped him, but I couldn’t.

I tried my best to walk toward them, and that’s when they noticed me. My eyes landed on the hot girl with a perfect body, the type that every man would like to bang.

“Why did you do this, Zack?” I asked while bursting into tears.

He just stared at me blankly.

“I gave you everything. I never ask for too much, Zack. I want you to be loyal and be there for me. Be the person you told me you were,” I said as I cried in front of him.

I don’t even mind the people walking past us. I want these painful feelings to be free.

I want him to know how much he hurts me, how he broke my trust, and how I feel betrayed.

“I will never disappoint you, Tamantha. You are the one who disappointed me. How can you let yourself go? Look at you! I can’t even bring you to any of my boys’ parties. I can’t handle the teasing that they will give me. Between us, you are barely three, and I’m ten.”

How could he say such a thing to me?

How could he hurt me like this?

A slight pang in my chest made it hard to breathe.

“And you’re hardly breathing right now, probably because of obesity.”

“Hey Tamantha, are you okay?”

I was taken aback when I heard Weston’s voice. I know that when I open my eyes, tears are pooling in my eyes already. I covered my eyes with my hand so Weston wouldn’t notice it.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I said while still fixing myself.

“Geez, are you crying because you’re gonna work out?” He laughed.

I stared at Weston, laughing in front of me, with tears flowing down my eyes. I could fight it anymore.

This time his laugh doesn’t sound irritating to me anymore. He looks calmer and more handsome right now while laughing.

I didn’t know but seeing him smile made me feel better. It’s like a relief. I laugh at his banter while crying.

Damn, what is this feeling?