029

Because I know something bad is going to happen. It won't be voluntary on my part. Maybe not rape exactly, but knowing how you feel doesn't deliver me from my dilemma. I see myself in the movie; desperately trying to vacuum another man's seed from his balls on my wedding day. You'll never forgive me, Tanner. Never in a million years and no matter how much I will hate myself, I will do anything to keep this secret from you, even if it makes me do a thousand times worse. I'll keep my secret as long as possible, try to enjoy as much time with you as I can, but I'll be dead to you if you ever find out. Why couldn't you just forgive me, Tanner?

I look up at him again. "No particular reason. I just wanted to know how much you love me."

He laughed. "Women. Who can figure them out? See. My first answer was the best. I love you a bushel and a peck." He kissed me briefly and returned to his book.

I wanted to cry. I teared up, but I quickly wiped my eyes. I couldn't cry anymore. Tanner would want to know why I was crying and I had no answer I could give him. I looked out the window. One tear escaped despite my determination not to cry. I felt it trickle down my cheek. It evaporated quickly in the dry air of the plane. I wished I could talk to someone. Who could I trust? I was alone; the most alone I'd ever felt in my life.

Sandals is an all inclusive resort. You pay one price and it covers everything, soup to nuts. All the drinks (premium beverages, including alcohol), all the food, golfing, boating, pools, beach, sailing, motor boats, pretty much everything including taxes and gratuities. St. Lucia had three Sandals resorts and you could use any of them as if it were your own; the Halcyon, Regency La Toc, and the Grande St. Lucian, our place. The price included travel between the three resorts, which gave you a choice of 27 different restaurants, 21 bars, 11 pools, 11 whirlpools, 2 golf courses and almost unlimited water activities.

We had one of the overwater bungalows, with personal butler service provided by a butler trained by the Guild of Professional English Butlers. The bungalow had glass floors with lit sea water so we could see fish swimming beneath us, day and night, an overwater hammock for two, soaking tub, a suspended patio with swim up platform so you could swim in the Caribbean right outside the bungalow. The butler, a woman named Roberta, met us at arrival, arranged for our luggage, private check-in at our suite, cocktails and food refreshments and asked where we'd like to have dinner. She even unpacked our clothes and put them away. Essentially, she was our personal concierge and butler service the whole time we would be there.

Tanner told her it was our honeymoon and a personal candlelight dinner for two would be our preference this evening. She had the menus of all twenty-seven restaurants on her iPad and asked us to make a choice for a meal. Tanner and I had eaten out often so he knew what I tended to like and dislike. I wasn't a particularly fussy eater, so I let him make the choices for dinner. He ordered from the Italian restaurant, Toscanini's. She escorted us to our room and Tanner ordered a couples massage for tomorrow morning at ten. She gave us a cell phone so we could reach her any time of the day or night.

The flight had been draining, more so for me given the emotional mess I found myself in, so when Tanner suggested a nice soak in the tub, it sounded like a splendid suggestion. I started to pull out one of my more modest swimsuits from the drawer, but Tanner stopped me.

"Naked, please, we're on our honeymoon. I want to enjoy the sight of you."

"Tanner, there's people out there on the water." I pointed to the various water craft in the crystal clear waters a couple hundred yards from our bungalow.

"They're not close and the tub has high sides. You'll only be visible for a second as you get in. I want you nude."

I looked out at the water. They were pretty far off. I could see some of the women didn't have tops on, but it wasn't blatantly obvious.

"Okay, but I'm a little surprised," I said.

"Why's that?"

"That you're so adamant about my never being with another man, but you don't mind showing off my nude body to them."

"What was it you said before I went to the strip club for my bachelor party? Look, but don't touch. You're a beautiful woman. I'm proud of you, that you chose to marry me above all others. Why wouldn't I want to show you off and make every man in the world envious of me."

"I don't feel that beautiful. I accept my body and figure are pretty good, but I don't like my face, my hair, my nose or my mouth."

"Nonsense. You're beautiful. All women do this. You're supercritical of some poor feature you think you have and refuse to consider the whole package. You're you. You go together well. If I put some other face on you, you wouldn't be you, you'd be some stranger. I love you, the whole package. Jesus! How many men suffer from anorexia because they think they're too fat? How many men are keeping plastic surgeons in big houses, fancy cars, and boats. If it weren't for women, they'd go out of business. Don't denigrate yourself. I love you as you are."

"Is that your final word on the subject?"

He smiled at me. "Yes, now get naked, beautiful."

I smiled back at him and removed my clothes. Tanner whistled at me when I was naked.

"Christ, you're beautiful," he said.

"If you say so," I said. "I'll take your word for it, but only because you're my husband." I quickly snuck out on the deck, slipping into the tub.

"I'd stack you up against anyone," Tanner said. He grabbed the plushy towels and luxurious robes and hung them by the tub. "For when our meal comes."

That's right. Someone was bringing our meal tonight. I hoped we were out of the tub by then.

Tanner climbed into the tub behind me and wrapped his arms around me, holding my breasts. The high sides of the tub did prevent others from seeing him, so I didn't say anything, enjoying his loving touch. I leaned back against him. Occasionally, I'd turn my head and let him kiss me, but for the most part I was content to be still, safe in his arms.

I was almost dozing when he said, "Masturbate for me."

Turning to him, I said, "I masturbated for you last night."

"It was dark and I couldn't see you. I just wanted you to cum with me. I want to watch you now. Watch how you pleasure yourself."

I looked around. No one was near, no one could see but Tanner. Why not?