Chapter 126

People like him that did awful things. It would both fuel that wicked brain with more emotional tools and probably give him a sadistic kick. I quickly distract myself by picking up on a weird detail in what she said instead and let it go.

‘’You call him Lex? I can’t see him as a Lex somehow.’’ I try to move her onto something less raw and to the bone, distracting her instead with something menial. Only people I ever hear calling him that are his cousin and brother, it’s oddly personal. I look her up and down not sure what to make of that obvious affection, even for him she’s a bit young. She doesn’t look old enough to have even left school yet. I never pegged him for that kind, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that he could be, and I just never realised it.

No better than Rick and his tastes in young girls. I find it repulsive to think of him looking at someone like her in that way, and yet I can’t ignore that tiny bite of jealousy, stupidly.

‘‘I’ve known him my whole life, I consider him like an honorary uncle or even like an older brother, he can be intimidating sometimes but I like him.’’ No hint of a lie, the kid is smitten in a family connected way—innocent and naïve. She’s clearly deranged but clearly NOT sexually connected. Knowing that she sees him as family makes me feel better, immediately relieved even if there’s something wrong with her.

I guess family is different though, Sophie seemed to have genuine affection for him too and I wonder what it is they see in him. I guess she gets to see a different side to him than most and it makes me realise even more so how much my hopes of meaning something to him are based on fantasy.

If he cared, I would have as much insight into the other side of him as the little girl standing in front of me. Someone he allows to see beyond what he is in this world if there is another side to him. The hints of softness I saw in fleeting moments that he obviously lets those he cares about see fully. Yet another sharp reminder that he never let me behind that barrier once.

Let it go, Camilla … Let him go. You can’t make him love you and he clearly had a sense of obligation over care last night. He wants me gone and probably didn’t want me to die on his turf, or in his apartment.

I should just stick with the plan and start my life somewhere else, get my head straight and sort my heart out; go back to my numb existence where I had freedom to play men for my own benefit.

When did I become this woman? Head on a man obsessively, letting it overtake every part of my thoughts to the point he effects all my decisions and needs. I’m losing my marbles, losing my sense of self and becoming pathetic. I used to watch girls like this, going gaga over some suave man with a nice smile, and completely pity them for their naivety and weakness.

I swore it would never be me.

I had seen all the faces of men and the masks they wore and I would never be duped by one, especially not one like Alexi Carrero. The worst kind of all.

How the hell did I go from that to falling hopelessly for someone like him? He never once made me feel like he would treat me well, trust me, give me a relationship or even care about me, and yet I went and fell for him anyway. Against all the odds the girl who could feel nothing for nobody loves the man who doesn’t even like her. A man who is incapable of loving anyone like me.

I guess being abused for all those years really did screw me up.

‘‘Well thank you, you don’t need to stick around, I feel like I could take care of myself now.’’ Like I always did and always do.

‘’It’s no hassle Mico is coming by soon to shift swap and is bringing soup, he feels bad that he didn’t know you were sick.’’ I don’t really know how that makes me feel.

‘’Mico is genuinely a nice guy and the world doesn’t have many of those. Really though, I am a big girl and I can get up.’’ I never saw that coming either. Soup?

Although he has never given me a reason to dislike him at all in the past months, he just never said much to me and kept his distance so that I never really got to know what he was really like.