Chapter 280

“I want you. That’s all there is to it. I want to show you that you don’t have to fear me and maybe prove you can trust me.” Alexi gets straight to the point, lifting my hand into his and slides his fingers between mine to hold me tenderly. I stare at our entwined digits, feeling his heat flow into my cold, smaller one and gaze at it, disconnected. The space around me is surreal as though I’m dreaming. I should lie down. I’m verging on passing out at this rate.

“I didn’t know what love was, what was staring me in the face. I haven’t exactly had anything to compare it to.” Alexi sounds incredibly young once more, flitting between his normal cocky self and these glimpses of an unsure teen that are throwing me off. This is a side I doubt anyone ever sees in him and yet it's softening me to him a little.

Warning signs and neon flashing lights in my brain are telling me to proceed with caution. Half my senses are saying ‘DANGER, DANGER’ and the other half is being pulled into warmth and hope and a lot of maybes.

Aware that I’m weakening, I slide my hand away quickly to pull myself together. I’m not that feeble or stupid.

I move away and walk to the couch and slump down to get some breathing space, body just giving in from holding itself up, sinking my head between my palms and elbows on my knees as I exhale heavily. So many emotions flooding me and I’m exhausted. It’s the middle of the night, probably nearer morning and I’ve had an emotional few hours. This all feels surreal and crazy and I don’t think I have it in me to deal with touching and hand holding. I don’t have the strength to withstand him. He’s too good at coercing and controlling outcomes and I won’t be drawn in.

Alexi follows me and sits down too. Not close enough to make me feel crowded but not far either. He leans forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands hanging down between them as he watches me.

“Say something … anything.” He urges me a little desperately and I turn and look at him for a second. Amused by the desperate tone but wrecked by all of this.

“Something,” I mutter weirdly, unsure what else to say and then giggle at my stupidity. I feel like I have stepped out of my body and am floating out in space, just dreaming.

“Funny.” Alexi smiles and then throws himself back against the cushions in agitation, exhaling much like I did. Both so frustrated with this odd, strained mood between us. This huge precipice I’m standing on the edge of.

Who knew love confessions could go so badly?

“I’m still here.” I point out, as though I need to. I guess it’s my way of saying I’m thinking and maybe believe him a little bit. I don’t even know. I feel like part of me wants to try and reassure him or something. I’m not even sure why. My feet would not head to the door even if I tried. I’m wiped out and practically ceasing to function.

“Yes, you are. For how long though, is what I really want to know.” Alexi nudges me lightly; his hand touching briefly against my arm and sets his gaze intently on me from his more casual position. He seems more relaxed that I haven’t run out the door. I guess sitting down is a clue I’m not about to leg it.

Although I am still thinking about it.

“How long is a piece of string? I can’t give you an answer that I don’t have.”

I really wish I could say, ‘yes, I want you too’; the truth is I’m scared shitless of letting this man ever get that close to me again. He has the power to do so much damage on so many levels and giving him the knowledge that he can, is suicide. I have to protect myself.

“I just need a chance to prove to you I won’t hurt you again. To be what you need me to be, however long that takes.” He sounds sincere anyway, looks serious. My brain is egging me on to take it at face value.

“How do I do that?” I blink at him, stupefied that it’s even possible.

“Stay. Spend time with me. Give me the chance to turn this around, make this into something more. Just give me time and opportunity—the rest is on me.”

It’s not an unreasonable request, I suppose. Well, not for any normal human, but this is him and me and our past.

“And if I can’t? What then?”

“Then I will do what I promised to do. Bow out of this club and leave you to it. There are no strings attached. You still own half this club, and this apartment is yours. Everything we agreed, in the beginning, stays the same. I exit left so you don’t have to deal with me anymore.”

I stare at him for the longest minute, a lump in my throat and stomach forming, and my fuzzy head still going around in circles. One thing keeps coming to the forefront over and over.

“Do you trust me?”

He never used to, everything he said and did was because he didn’t. So, I don’t understand why he changed in my absence. It’s an important question.

“Completely.” He says it with heartfelt conviction, no hesitation or thought and a look on his face that swears truth. Eyes unflinching and focused on mine, an expression that hides nothing, not even adoration and I shake my head at him, confounded by it. How he could just change his opinion so dramatically. The way he is looking at me right now, as though I’m the most perfect being on the planet, and I just can’t have faith in it.

“Why? You didn’t before.” Not even a tiny ounce of trust in me did he once harbour. If his explanation is true, then mistrust was the root of all the evil he did to me. What changed that? And when?

“I didn’t know you the way I do now. I was ignorant of a lot of factors. A lot of truths. I needed to open my eyes and see beyond the mask you wear. I had to take the blinkers off and really see you. Stop doubting what was staring me in the face and give you a chance.” Pain in his words, a knife in my heart that he could never possibly really know me. Not with all the cobwebs and skeletons in my closet. He has no concept to how far my black hole of misdemeanours extends. I knew this was too good to be true.

“And how exactly did you do that?” No one in the world knows all my secrets and scars, only me. No one could love me if they did.

I need to know though, so maybe I can do it too. Learn to harvest this thing called trust from a surprising source. Right now, he is still as much of an enigma to me as he has always been. And try as I might to have faith in what he is saying, I can’t. He has wounded me so deeply and now nothing but extreme fear blocks my way.

Alexi looks pensive for a second, then shifts in a way that suggests he is getting worried about my reaction. His whole manner changes, a little stiff and guarded and he moves to a more upright position. An air of tension overcoming him that leaches to me and hikes my nerves up again.

“There’s something I should have told you weeks ago. I just didn’t know how to, or how you would react.” He glances at me and away again, eyes flickering quickly, guilt all over that normally blank expression and my nerves are piqued to epic levels once more. I’m an emotional wreck and there is no getting around this.

“What? Just spit it out, rip the band-aid off.”

It can’t be any more mind-blowing than telling me he’s in love with me. I think now is a good time for confessions because I literally cannot react any worse than I have done so far. Load it on, bring it all out. May as well when I’m saturated to death with all of it.

How bad can it be?