Chapter 304

The conviction in his voice, the gentle way he strokes his thumb over mine and pulls me to his chest to lean his nose against my temple, stirs a belief in me deep down that this is a genuine apology, for all of it. Alexi really does regret the past between us and for the first time, without doubt, question or niggles, I truly believe him.

We have hit a crossroad and I need to choose a path. I can either dwell and continue to find fault and put hurdles in his way, or I can take his hand and see where this takes us. I’m so tired of living in the shadows and misery. I have a longing to walk into the light and maybe my master of darkness will be the one to lead me there.

“No point dwelling anymore. The past will only drag you backwards.” I deflect the tender moment and push him away gently to give myself breathing space. Hating the route of our conversation and stare at the fire instead. Hating myself for being so conflicted and hot and cold with him, even if I cannot help it. Not knowing how to feel or how to be with him from one minute to the next is fucking me up. Trust will not be easy to gain, and my head will keep throwing a spanner in the works. I just need to take it as it comes, roll with the punches and trust my gut.

The low, flickering orange and yellow and the mesmerising dance of the flames instil peace as I try to cleanse myself of the erratic emotions building inside me. Trying to find something steady and stable to pin my attention on for just a few minutes while I pull myself together.

“You haven’t said much about his death, about what I did to him. Does it scare you? Does what I did to him change how you see me?” Alexi seems a lot less confident, his voice lower, softer, and it brings my attention back to him. I regard him for what feels like an eternity, turning this over in my mind before I shake my head and shrug, before answering.

What do I really feel? I guess if I’m honest, then not very much. A monster is dead; the world is a better place without him.

“I don’t know Alexi. Am I repulsed by knowing you tortured an abuser who brought pain to so many like me? No. He had it coming, and karma brought you to his shores. I knew who you were before I even met you. I know you have capabilities that most would be terrified of. I’m not. Am I scared because you took his life? No. I watched you take a man’s life once before and that scared me, but only because you didn’t seem to react to what you did. I didn’t know if I was next for having seen it. You were switched off emotionally, and I didn’t think I had any value to you back then.”

He wants honesty, so I’m giving it to him. Start as I mean to go on. No more lies between us.

“Even detached at what I was doing, I could never switch off my feelings for you. It’s part of the reason I lost my shit with you so easily. I would never physically hurt you like that.” He interjects, but I sigh it away.

“To me, you are someone who physically hurt me, more than once. Maybe not in the sense of hitting me or forcing me into something like Rick did, but you used things against me that did way more damage. I’m scared of what you could to me, but I’m not scared of the fact you’re a killer. It comes with the job and I know you are probably as numb to it as I am with the shit I endured in my life. I understand the psychology of learning to normalise abhorrent things, Alexi. It’s one thing I actually share with you to an extent.”

Oh, boy, do I know about becoming an acceptor of the seedy in a bid to live on through it.

“I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I didn’t know the effect I would have on you—I swear. I thought it was lies and manipulation, and I was showing you it had no effect. I didn’t think there was truth in what you told me.”

“I don’t have many triggers, but Rick left his mark on me, and I’m still trying to find the way to overcome the last traces of him.”

I squeeze his hand, wanting him to stop explaining. I get it. I know why and I understand it deep down. Looking backwards, over the past few hours, has opened my eyes to so much that happened between us.

“I know. I didn’t exactly help.”

Alexi needs to stop twisting himself with guilt over this if we are to move past it. I believe him. He’s sorry, truly.

“What did you do to him?” I ask in afterthought, becoming a little detached and numb again and this whole scenario seeming more like a dream as adrenaline fades and I suffer the after-effects of a comedown. Mentally exhausted by it already.

I hadn’t wanted to know before but sitting here with Alexi being so open to honesty, there’s a part of me that does want to know. An idea of what my brutal abuser suffered before his demise. Maybe it will give me the closure I have sought my whole life. Knowing he got what he deserved in the end and experienced a tiny fraction of my suffering.

“I’m not sure telling you is a good idea. I can be a sick fuck. I know this; I don’t want you to be even more afraid of me than you already are. I’m trying to prove that I can be someone else for you.” Alexi looks uncomfortable once again and glances to his right to avoid me. Face forming a frown and I can feel the nervous energy all around us. He’s worried that I’ll only see the actions of a deranged monster and not the reasons he did them.

I’m past that now. I’m not his mother.

“You tortured him?” I push gently, dismissing his reasons for not being detailed and Alexi nods without looking back at me.

“Did he die from that or …?”

I want to know. I want him to tell me and normalise this between us as an insignificant conversation that puts it to bed and gives him no reason to think I will dwell on it after tonight. I don’t want him to carry doubt that it’s affected how I see him.

“I put a bullet in his head. I was wasting time there when I should have been here looking for you. I ended it because I had better things to do. My priority was continuing to look for the woman I sent running. Does that sound like a sane person?” Alexi sinks a little and I guess he hates that he just walked himself into this conversation with me and is killing his chances of proving he can be what I need.

This time I slide my arms around his neck impulsively and come level with him, moving myself to sit straddling him, he looks me dead in the eye, nose to nose once more. Close and personal.

“I knew you were crazy before I even met you. It’s part of why I had the major hots for you the first time we did meet. Guess I’m not sane either when you look at it like that.” I smile softly and lean in to kiss him gently. Wanting so badly to take that look of utter rejection from his face. All I keep thinking about is how his mother pushed him away for being this person, and even though I know it’s not normal to love a killer, I want to comfort him so badly.

He killed for me, twice.

Not because of blood lust, but to protect the woman he claims to love. Even if it included torture and terrifying acts of cruelty. I don’t care.

It’s not exactly a romance worth shouting from the rooftops, but for a man like him, it’s a sign he gives a shit about me. It’s his way of loving and protecting and giving his all. As screwed up as he is, he felt outraged for what Rick did and exacted punishment befitting the crime.

If Alexi didn’t care then he wouldn’t have done it that way, he wouldn’t have killed him at all.

Maybe I am as screwed up as he is because I understand it and I love him for it.

“I kill people, Cam, and sometimes, I don’t feel anything about it. Remorse is not always a given when I feel it’s justified.”

I think he is trying to shock me with an honest reply and a neutral tone. Seeing if I will up and run, but I stay put. Testing me to be sure I accept this is who he is.

“So do soldiers, protecting their country. No one hates them for doing what is necessary. You do what you were raised to do and what is needed to keep your empire safe. To keep me safe.” I point out, confirming he has nothing to fear and pull his hands to my waist, encouraging him to pull me closer.

“Could you fall in love someone like me, knowing what you do?” Alexi slides his hands up my back, so he holds me as near as humanly possible, nose and foreheads firmly together. Grey eyes boring into mine, dissecting my soul. Searching for the truths he so desperately needs.

“I already did. Even when I was terrified of you.” I point out, voice dropping to a whisper befitting our proximity, a softness to match the feelings rising inside me. Alexi leans to the side a little, a head tilt that puts our noses side by side so he can get nearer my mouth and kisses me softly, needy. A gentle, chaste meeting of soft warm skin that makes my heart erupt in a million little flutters.

Pulling back, he slides his fingers under my hair, cradling my face on both sides and draws my eyes to his as he straightens back up.

“If I could go back to that night when you said those words to me, I would change everything and undo all the mistakes I made. Those three words are my goal, but to deserve them this time and to never hurt you again. I would die for you, I will kill for you and I will rip this city apart if you needed it, London. I promise you I won’t let you go a second time; I know what I have to lose this time.”

Alexi’s words pull tears from my eyes and my throat constricts painfully. There’s no hint of deviousness in the hoarse, raw way he’s saying those words or the penetrating gaze he has stuck me with. It’s like he wants to climb inside me and make me believe him so badly, and all I can do is nod at him.

“I’ll give you the chance to make me believe. Don’t fuck it up.”

“I won’t.” Alexi silences my tears with another kiss, fuelled by longing and raw passion and I give in to it hungrily, wrapping my arms and legs around him and losing myself in the most dangerous place in the world.

In Alexi Carrero.

Breaking away to catch my breath, I find myself back against his forehead, eyes re-joining. I trace his features with gentle fingers and admire the beauty of my devil man.

“You need to relax, drink some wine and trust that I won’t cross your boundaries. You are in control of what happens between us.” He runs his fingers up my spine and tangles them in the tips of my hair, brushing through and then repeating the hypnotic touch over again.

“What if I add touching to that list?” I whisper quietly and he pauses what he is doing. Stilling with a finger wrapped in my hair, his eyes straying from my mouth to my eyes with that unreadable expression.

“Then I’ll respect that and not touch you. Is that what you want?” His tone so soft and inviting and I impulsively shake my head. If I say yes, he will stop what he’s doing, and I don’t want him to stop touching me. I need his touch, more than I ever thought I would.

Alexi has a way of grounding me and making me feel safe, despite everything, and right now he is calming my nerves with such a simple act of tenderness I would never in a million years have connected to him. Confessing his feelings for me enabled him to shake off the last traces of the mask he was hiding behind with me. He has shed the act to show me what he can be if I let him.

I don’t want to go backwards and give that up now.

“Tell me what you need, so I’m not riding blind all the time. I’m not good at reading you and I don’t have a high success rate in knowing what you’re thinking.” He pleads, so desperate to make sure he doesn’t ruin this.

“I don’t know. Time. Honestly, I have no clue. I don’t trust people, so I have never had to think about how to let someone in.” I feel stupid for saying it out loud, and the realisation of just how lonely my existence has been hits me in the face. Before him, I had no one, and without him, I return to a loneliness that’s soul destroying. He really is my world.

I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m not about to walk away from the chance of being his world too.

“You trust Mico and Jackson, don’t you?” He raises a brow at me questioningly, like he suddenly realises how hard trusting is for me, and I hesitate.

My instinct is to say no, but I honestly have no idea. I wouldn’t divulge my deepest secrets to them the way I have blurted out to Alexi in the past, but I know neither of them would deliberately bring me harm. Trust is such a loaded word.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly because I truly don’t.