Chapter 328

“Why do you think I react so badly when you hurt me? Why I run when I think you might do something to make me want to leave you? I’m scared because you can hurt me in ways no one has ever had the ability to do. And you don’t even need to touch me to do it. I act like an idiot because of how I feel about you!”

He just stands stock still and stares at me as though I have two heads, or he didn’t quite hear me correctly. Both of us feet apart, motionless and he just continues to lock those eyes on me for what seems like the longest time. Penetrating my skull as that clever brain ticks and turns over whatever he is thinking about. A return to deadpan, calm and still. Temper evaporating away to nothing. He reverts inside his own head and simmers to a deathly silence in the quietness of the room.

“Do you?” It’s soft, unsure, and I can almost taste the apprehension and fear in those two little words. The same fear from the night he first told me he loved me.

The way my heart constricted and crumbled, and I couldn’t breathe with the terror of what those words could do to me. Only in this case, it’s the lack of them that is killing him. He wants them so badly. My little lost boy coming out and showing face. The deepest part of him that truly needs acceptance.

It’s now or never; I have to take a leap or just let him leave. Tears pouring down my face in place of scowls and hatred, I realise I need to stop hiding or I will lose him. He wants to protect me and leaving me is his plan if I don’t admit that I do.

“Why would I be here if I didn’t? Why would I have come back? Why would I have stayed? You never gave any sane woman a reason to try again, so I was either completely stupid to let you drag me back … or …” I shiver as I say it to him, knowing I’m exposing all of me by admitting this. Giving him back a power he once held and knowing he can wound my heart all over again if he wanted to. It’s a leap of faith and hope.

My heart is telling me he won’t abuse my trust this time. My need to stop him leaving is battling all the red alerts and ‘don’t do it’ right out of me. Maybe in order to trust him, I need to have a little faith in myself to just let go and stop dangling over the precipice.

“Say it. I need you to say it if it’s what you feel. You came back because …” Alexi’s voice is softer than mine now, eyes devouring me and there is so much within them; longing, a need to be loved that I know only too well. It’s mirrored in me every time I look at my reflection. Lonely little children who just want to be the centre of someone else’s world.

Two broken souls who have yearned to truly belong to someone in some real way. Something unconditional, while knowing the worst of you and not letting it stop them, anyway. Seeing your flaws and shrugging them away as unimportant. Seeing your worth. Something we have both wanted and needed our whole lives. Something we can give to each other now.

I hesitate, fear choking me so much I close my eyes and a tear rolls down my cheek. Trembling because it’s a choice I have to make—honesty, and the walls come down. I have no more defences against him, and from here on in we try to do this and mean it. Or lie and keep my safety net intact and he walks away from me, leaves me financially stable but completely alone.

A life without him in it. That’s not a life I want. Even if this way is terrifying me to the core.

“Be honest. Have faith in me and give me the chance to prove to you I can give you the world. Treat you like you deserve and never give you a reason to run, ever again.”

His words dig into my heart, through my soul and hurt me on so many levels. Wrenching the deepest parts of me open, and I can’t keep a grip on the locks of my internal doors anymore. Moving closer to me, all signs of anger dissipating as he focuses softer eyes on mine and hems me in with his sheer size. Breaking me down because I’m hopeless for him.

“I love you. I never stopped.” I say it as a ghost of a whisper, closing my eyes tight to block him out, so petrified of saying the words again but needing so badly to do so, they just slip out. Trying to forget the pain of the first time I trusted him with this part of me. Exposing my weakness for him and knowing he has the power to make me put a gun to my own head.

I know he heard me.

The sudden invasion of his warmth right in front of me, his body moving in close as his fingers trace the tears on my cheek; I blink my eyes open to find him standing so near his nose almost touches mine.

His eyes are glazed with real emotion, the frown is gone, and he just looks incredibly young and unsure so suddenly. A hint of joy but so clouded with uncertainty. His other hand comes to mine and he interlaces our fingers before pulling my palm to his chest and flattening it over his thudding heart. Pulling me closer so we share air. My body instantly electrified from his proximity and I’m overwhelmed with tingles and butterflies.

“Do you mean that?” He sounds different. Vulnerable, soft and low. Nothing like the man he can be, and I know he is as scared as me at this moment. It’s odd to feel it reverberating from him as I never imagined anything in the world could phase Mr cool and indestructible. I can feel it though, his fear pulsating in time with mine.

I nod, unable to say it again or tear my eyes from those endlessly pale doors to another dimension. The guardians of my soul. Alexi’s face completely changes, and I get to see for the first time what a happy Alexi looks like when he isn’t guarding himself. He smiles; full-on Hollywood, dimples and all and those eyes sparkle with it, changing his whole demeanour and expression to an infectious high.

He looks devastating like this and I know it’s not even close to Mafia King at all. This is my Alexi, no one else gets to see him this way.

‘I love you, London. More than you will ever know. I have never felt the way I feel about you with anyone’

It’s all he utters before leaning in and kissing me softly on the lips, my heart bursting like a firework at his touch, sinking against him greedily, my body moulding to his and pulling all the necessary warmth, longing and joy back from him into my cold limbs, taking what I need from him.

A kiss to wipe away the last twenty-four hours. To feel his strong body against me and his mouth on mine. He knows how to make me feel safe, he always did, and I need it now more than ever. When I feel at my most vulnerable with him, he needs to help me overcome that with his own skills at making me secure. Just as he is doing now, wiping all the tears and misery away with the gentlest of touches, feeding my craving for his intimacy and touch.

I lift my fingers and trace his jawline gently, scratchy stubble on soft tips, deliciously perfect. Needing this more than air as he pulls away.

I pull my fingers out of his hand, move back to put space between us and step back properly. My mindset on what I need to do to take that last step in being his and proving to him that he is what I want, and I’m willing to take a leap of faith to keep him. That trust maybe isn’t complete, but I want to keep going down that path to fully believing in him. He didn’t turn on me after everything that happened today. He didn’t even explode at me for it, and I know that for him that’s a massive change to how he was before.

Alexi watches me, confused by the sudden movement but he doesn’t follow or say anything. Sensing I have something to say or that I need space and just remains still and steadfast in staring at me. Eyes still twinkling and his whole manner seems lighter and brighter.

My insides combust in a fit of nervous energy and I take a steadying breath to try to dull the tension that consumes me. I slide shaking hands up my robe and push it off my shoulders, so it slips down and pools at my feet on the floor, leaving me standing before him completely naked. Body shivering with the residue of my bath and the damp robe, but I know I won’t be cold for long.

I glance up shyly, despite always being confident in my own skin with everyone else in the world. Hesitant, trembling and then push down all my nerves and find that inner queen I know is there. Lifting my chin defiantly, I lock my eyes on his beautiful ones and squash all the fears inside.

He looks at me in a way that removes all doubt that could ever cross my mind about what he feels. Alexi’s adoration shines through at me with that sexy smile and intense gaze.

“I know you won’t touch me unless I ask you to. I know you won’t physically hurt me because you promised me, and I believe that you meant it. I know you love me. I have felt it and seen it and standing here now I don’t doubt it anymore. If you walk away and leave me, I’ll never survive, Lexi. I love you and I want this to work. I want to be with you.” I swallow hard, aware I’m not as brave as I appear and still fighting myself on taking this step. It’s huge. Symbolic for me and I know once I do this I can’t go backwards. I’m jumping back in with two feet and cementing ‘us’ for all time.

He never breaks his visual hold on my eyes, not even flicking away to check me out while I stare right at him.

I push everything aside and focus only on how much I want him. I need him too.

“I may not completely trust you, but trust exists in here, and I’m willing to let it grow. Don’t give up on me.” I lift a little higher, pausing and looking away to his chest, letting his eyes scan all of me as he stands motionless, listening, watching, taking it in and analysing me with that quick brain. I get nothing from him, even when he slides his gaze down over my naked breasts and curves and comes slowly back up to lock on mine with a heavy look that penetrates my soul. The smile faded away, but he still has a joyous aura surrounding him.

“I will never give up on you. If you want this, then you will never get rid of me again. I swear. I’m in this for the long haul, London.”

Alexi is as beautiful as the first time I ever laid eyes on him, maybe more so. Standing here assured that my life and future lies with this man. All the doubts lift their heavy weight from my shoulders and that inner me unfurls and holds out her shaking hand, nervous but completely certain.

“Good. Now take your clothes off, get over here and make love to me. It’s about time we stopped fucking around and got down to the real business.” I smirk as I say it. Hardly a sweet romantic seduction, but one thing I have learned is that I need to find my backbone with him.

He is a bossy shithead at the best of times, and he will never do full-blown romance. He clearly likes a dominant woman even when he acts like he hates it and needs one to keep him in hand. No feeble girl would put up with his mood swings or his bullshit or have the nerve to face him when in full-blown psycho mode.

No one except me.

I was made to deal with this arrogant arse.

I need to remember that when dealing with him.