Chapter 352

I just snap my lips shut, throw Alexi my most venomous look and slide across the seat in an attempt to claw back some dignity, crossing my arms once more and moving away so he won’t touch me, and to show him how pissed off I am. Alexi slides in, slaps my thigh a little saucily and nudges me over with his shoulder and hip so he can have more room. His grey eyes fixing on mine, light and cloudless, which suggests he really isn’t in a combative mode at all. He looks annoyingly chilled.

“Rude!” I snap, annoyed that he bodily moved me while smirking like a smug dickhead at his own hilarities. Nothing about this is funny. His manhandling, his manner, his fucking annoyingly happy and jokey mood. He has plenty to be sorry for.

Abduction, assault, imprisonment, all very good reasons for me to be pissed off at him.

“Yeah but I’m sexy, so I get away with it.” He really is on some weird happy sarcastic mood kick. I look to the ceiling for strength and exhale noisily.

“What is wrong with you? Why are you being so … ugh.” I give up. I’m in a strange place between tearful, afraid and seething mad and can’t seem to figure out what to do with all of that. It just has me tired. Prickly, caged in and lashing out like a terrified cat in a cage.

“Happy? Non-argumentative?” He smiles with that devilish twinkle in his eye and throws his arm across the back of the seat as we get shut inside, so he circles my shoulders. Closing in on me like prey he’s about to devour.

“Prickish,” I retort coldly.

“Because I woke up this morning and realised, I get to torment the shit out of you every single day for the rest of your life, and you signed up for it.”

If that’s what you call it? Ownership and abuse.

That cheeky smirk turns into a full-on grin with his arrogant cockiness at the fact I’m now tethered to this arsehole until I divorce him or die trying. I can already tell he’s going to be unbearable. In his head, I probably just need sleep, time, indulgence, to get over my mood and we can live happily ever after in our forced marriage.

“You know people get married to love and cherish each other for life, not see it as an excuse to deliver emotional and mental torture to the one stuck with them.” The truth in my words sting, and I have to close my eyes again to control the waterfall waiting to tumble out.

“Yeah, but you married me.” A wink this time, which pulls an eye roll and a grimace out of me. I’m not impressed with this man; from the moment I opened my eyes, and it’s getting worse by the minute. Nothing he can say or do will help.

“God help me. We need to get a divorce; I already hate you and it’s only been one morning.”

“It’s against my religion, looks like it’s till death do us part.” He scoops my hand in his and surrounds my fingers with his snugly, pulling my hand onto his lap and cradles it there. I don’t stop him. Wishing the normal soothing warmth his touch gives me was present, but it’s not. I just stiffen, let my hand go slack and don’t react in the way I normally would at his touch. That sense of calm and safe is dead. I feel restrained.

I sulk and stare out the window and ponder my life. About what I’m going to do with this nugget head next to me and that goddamn marriage certificate. I can’t stay with him like this. It’ll only make me feel worse. Like suffocating to death every day of your life, over and over—like drowning.

I watch the Vegas scenery roll by, trying to get lost in my own thoughts, resigned that I should stop opposing this trip and get it over and done with. I’m only slightly aware of Alexi’s voice when he starts talking to someone on his cell phone. I zone him out and rest my head against the chair behind me, letting out all my anxiety and woes in a long emptying breath. Trying hard to calm myself, ease the rivers of molten lava pouring through my body. Blank out the pain and fear and grasp at rational.

I just need to get my head around this before I can figure out my next step. Try to battle down my demons and think logically. I know most of this is an erratic panicked response to a situation, and it’s made worse by lack of sleep and a major hangover. I should breathe and let it all slow down and sink in gently.

I mean what’s the worst outcome, really. Sensibly, if I forget why I’m feeling like I do.

I’m living with him already, so I guess it just becomes permanent. No big horror there. If he behaves and nothing changes then it’s no different to cohabiting … right?

No. He owns me now.

I get more respect from everyone if I’m not just his mistress; I guess. A Carrero is protected and cherished in his world.

That’s not worth it.

Okay, job security because he will never fire his wife.

Yes, he would. He totally would because he now thinks he has a say over everything I do.

I try to see the positives beyond the whole getting to spend my life with him and share his bed every night, shackled to my master and obedience whether I agree or not. If I try hard and forget the ‘owned for life by a complete control freak who knows how to destroy me’, maybe I will calm down.

It’s marriage. Tied to him for eternity. Possible servitude, and what if I try to leave him?

Running away as his wife will be a hell of a lot harder than just some random mistress.

I ran when I was thirteen. It got me locked in a little room, tied to a bed and punished for days. Alexi isn’t all that different. I’m his now. He owns me legally. He wouldn’t take kindly to me running.

Stop it, Camilla. Alexi isn’t Rick. You’re blurring the lines because it scares you. Stop obsessing and think clearly.

The girl who swore to never allow another man to own her in any way. To never bow down and accept another master, and I just drunkenly married the biggest control freak I have ever met in my life. Someone who has proven to me before just how much of a cruel sadist he can be. Someone who broke me in ways no man ever has.

I shudder at the thought that he could change now he has the leverage over me and involuntarily tremble.

I can’t see past it.

“Are you okay?” Alexi turns his head, pausing on his phone mid-conversation to look at me, pulling my eyes to him. Concern etched lightly on that smooth tanned face.

“Hungover and in need of a nap.” I lie faultlessly, impulsively, hiding the real reasons behind my shakes. Internally crapping myself for something most girls spend their life dreaming of. Alexi’s expression softens and he smiles a tad.

“We won’t stay long, and we can have lunch at the suite after, if you prefer that to going out?” He cocks his head to the side with a studious scan of my face. I can tell he’s doubting the truth in my words; he has an inkling I’m not being completely honest, and I turn back to the window to stop him dissecting me. Finding pain in the gentle look he is giving me, and it only makes my thoughts riot all over again.

If he gets a whiff of my desire to run, who knows how that will go. He would come after me.

“Yeah. I need more sleep.” I exhale heavily as though to prove the point, cringing as he squeezes my hand with a little tender acknowledgement and goes back to his call.

I feel wretched for lying to him. I haven’t done that since we started this romantic, lovers to whatever we are now, and all it does is make me feel guilty. Crazy really, considering I used to lie my way through life effortlessly and I’m sat here convincing myself he is once again the devil incarnate and about to chain me to a cross.

I don’t lie to him anymore and I curse myself for eating myself inside out because of it. My hand moves to my lap, sliding free of his and I fidget with the hem of my tailored blouse over the long pencil skirt I’m wearing. Nervously, brain and emotions in turmoil.

Stop internalising and just tell him. Give him the chance to defend himself and sort your head out, Camilla. Let him help you shake away the demons and give you the reassurance once more. You know he can.

I know that there is a side of him that reaches me in places no one can. If I speak, say something, maybe his part can find mine. She’s in here hiding, curled up small and crying to be saved from herself all over again. I need to focus on the fact he is the one person who has proven he can do that.

Help me settle the demons back into their deep dark holes and show me the way once more.

“Actually …” I clear my throat as the word tumbles out painfully, nerves choke me instantly and I curse myself for my inability to just tell him the truth. My inner conscience when it comes to him is annoyingly dominant, guilt mauling me, but my fear of verbalising vulnerability is taking over. Old Camilla and old habits are hard to separate when I feel like everything is in jeopardy.

Alexi pauses, moves his phone to his shoulder and regards me seriously. That look that tells me nothing at all and I realise I can’t really gauge how he will react when I’m unable to tell how he is feeling at the moment. Too caught up in myself to read him. I lose my courage completely and swallow my words.

“Never mind, it’ll keep for later.” I fold, even more so when those dark annoyingly perfect straight eyebrows furrow across his face and he looks a tiny bit irritated. Just adding to the weight of my fear.

“If you’re sure?” It’s one last olive branch to talk this out but I shrug it away. Insides gnawing with nerves. Courage lacking and I swallow it down.

We have a whole casino to view and then an afternoon in our hotel no doubt. We don’t fly home until tomorrow so I’m sure it can keep until we are alone. Build up some bravado to broach this topic once more when I’m less hungover and dying. Maybe give him a chance to help me through this mess in my head because I don’t think I can do it alone.

“Positive.” I throw a weak, feeble smile that doesn’t ring true and avoid his penetrative gaze once more. Breaking my heart because I need help to get me through what I’m feeling, and I just denied myself the hand of the person who has the power. I’m pulling away from him and dissolving all we have built.