Chapter 361

Alexi doesn’t look away once, just scoops my hand from his shoulder that went down with him and holds it tight in his. Encasing my fingers warmly and securely. I’m blinking at him, confused with what he’s doing and just stare. Silent tears, sodden face and acting like a pleb with no clue as to why he is now on the floor.

“Are you okay?” I ask stupidly, convinced he’s maybe dizzy or something. I really don’t connect the dots at all. A little dense in the aftermath of an emotional breakthrough.

“Camilla Walters … I know we did this backwards, but it doesn’t mean I can’t fix it with a do-over. You wanted the memory, London. Your wish is my command. Will you marry me … again? Date and venue of your choosing because I love you enough to marry you twice.” Eyes locked on mine, smiling sweetly, holding his stance perfectly, I gawp, cover my mouth with my hand as the shock hits me hard in my stomach, chest and throat simultaneously. Literally aching in all the best ways and I almost sob in reaction.

He is one thousand percent serious, and I wipe my face with the back of my hand a dozen times to try and control the waterfall I still have going on; I sniff through a bunch of short raspy breaths as I self-calm. A little slow on the uptake and shell-shocked to boot. I mean, I really didn’t think that is what he was doing. I definitely didn’t recognise a proposal.

“You’re crazy.” This all seems so surreal. Composing myself as best as I can although I should really give up and accept, I’m a complete mess. A short moment of calm in my internal storm and I wait for the grasping claws of panic to grip me once more, but nothing happens.

“You already knew that when you met me.” He just smiles, in that devastating dimples and Hollywood way that turn my knees to jelly and my insides to mush. Trepidation is in there, peeking out, but mostly I feel calm. Overjoyed, strangely, considering he just proposed the dreaded M word.

“Promise me something.” I blurt it out as doubt seizes me again, and those niggles about marriage and what it means, rise from the depths. Simmering inside and refusing to back down but I know I have control of this. They are just thoughts and fears that will warp my mind if I let them. I’m the one who needs to fix that.

“Anything. Just name it.” So intently looking into my soul and keeping me grounded. Reminding me that fear is nothing compared to no Alexi.

“If our marriage goes stale and I’m no longer what you want or need … end it. Don’t be like those men who maintain an empty marriage and visit women like me. Don’t betray me. Just be honest, always be honest. If this doesn’t work, don’t let it drag on. Don’t turn me into an object.” My hands shake as I realise exactly what I’m doing. I’m agreeing to this and laying down the boundaries as we do. It’s our thing. Setting the guidelines, the rules and terms to our arrangements. Willingly shackling myself despite the crazy terror growing in my veins. The things I’m terrified of happening, out there for him to see and address.

Throwing myself into the deep end with this man while all my doubts and questions are screaming at me to stop and be more cautious. I swallow it down and shake it away. Refusing to let my brain ruin my life forever. I can overcome this.

Why break what’s become a tradition between us with something as silly as sense and logic. I mean, it was stupid decisions that kept leading me right back to him.

Life without him is not an option. Life as his mistress will never be what it can be as his wife.

“It will never happen, but I swear, I’ll never lie to you. I’ll never deceive you, and if things go sour, I’ll fix it, or I’ll end it. I promise.” I can feel the genuine oath in his words. He means it in every way.

“I’m scared.” It’s my last final delay before I give him a proper answer. Nerves getting the better of me and tears threatening to overflow once more. It’s that last little moment of panic that feels a lot like stage fright before stepping out into the limelight. Just having a little trouble getting on top of it and I’m wavering slightly.

“Don’t be. There’s nothing to be scared about when you’re with me. I’m not scared anymore. It’s more terrifying to think of a future without you in it than anything else we do together.” Alexi seems so calm and in control, patiently kneeling there on the floor, probably bruising his knee on the Italian marble, and I take one last long heavy inhale to calm myself fully.

I can do this.

He said exactly what I feel. The right words to soothe my worry. The thought of a future life without him in it does not bear thinking about and all the fears, doubts and niggles quieten to a low hum rather than a deafening choir inside my head. I can live with the little noise they make when it’s all put into that kind of perspective and I remind myself over and over of the facts. Marriage may not be what I wanted but I’m willing to take each day as it comes to be with him. And if things head in any way I do not like, I will ask him for that divorce. My gut tells me he will give it to me. I’m pinning all of it on that little truth. When fear rises, I have an out.

I’m putting his needs before mine. Like he does for me.

That’s love.

I’m not entirely convinced this will be for me and that it won’t all go pear-shaped, but for him, I’m willing to see how it goes. He just keeps surprising me so who knows, maybe Alexi will be exactly what I’ve always needed. Maybe married life won’t be as bad as I keep telling myself it’ll be. I mean, it’s been almost twenty-four hours, and so far, he hasn’t exactly been anything like a controlling arsy fucker, except when I hurt his feelings. I guess that’s hopeful.

I will definitely live to regret this.

“Then yes, Mr Carrero. You can marry me again so that maybe I’ll get a memory of it this time. Just don’t expect me to let you choose anything in terms of the venue or the ceremony if our last one is anything to go by.” It’s a tearful last sob-cry combo as fear and happiness kick each other’s butts and I’m left dazed and washed out.

Alexi breaks into a grin and jumps up so fast he knocks the breath out of me when he scoops me into his arms, a strong embrace, and sinks a kiss on me that renders me speechless. Wrapped up tight in his arms and kissed senseless so that I can barely inhale. Faces crushed together and enthusiasm kills all skill, but it’s a kiss I will treasure forever because I can feel the genuine ecstatic happiness in it from him.

“I just want to point out that you chose the venue, Elvis and car bonnet consummation, London.” He grins again as he breaks away, leaving me gasping for air and a little overheated. His eyes the palest I have ever seen them, and he looks devastatingly gorgeous, that twinkle full-on dazzling me.

“Lexi … shut up.” I poke him in the rib and get another kiss for my efforts. This time a practised toe-curling, tongue action kind of smooch that makes me forget about everything else except getting naked underneath this man.

“About fucking time, can we now stop hiding behind the door and go to bed?” Gino’s voice echoes our way and we break apart to see them both peering from behind the small, dark wood study door on the right side of the hall. Looking bashful like naughty kids who have been caught by stern parents. I’m guessing they went in there for God knows what reason and then didn’t want to interrupt us. That’s kind of embarrassing

“Congratulations … umm … again.” Alessandra breaks in, lurching out of the study with a little hop to come at us with a bright beaming smile. Looking beautifully happy and tearful and reaches out to both of us impulsively. I honestly like this girl so much.

Alexi lets me go to get a warm hug from her and she hesitates before grabbing me.

“So, this time, you’re happy about it? Non?”

I never understood that weird Italian way of meaning yes by saying no, but I nod and grin at her and throw myself at the girl for a cuddle. Hell, if I’m making rash decisions like marriage and shit then making proper, touchy-feely friends with my future sister-in-law is nothing in comparison.

And then it dawns on me.

“I guess I’m staying as one of the family after all.”

I have an actual family now. A real one. A family who seem to like me enough to care if I ceased to exist. That thought hits me just as hard as knowing that Alexi will always take care of me and my eyes moisten with a new wave of these ridiculous goddamn tears.

He gave me something more than himself. Something I never dreamed I would have.

“You were already one of us, Red.” Gino comes up behind her and rubs me roughly on top of my head over his girlfriend’s body. A very weird, almost sibling like move, and I cock a brow at him with a strange expression at his odd gesture, wiping my face and totally embarrassed at the wet mess I have become.

“My brother just hadn’t caught on all that quickly!” He grins, undeterred by my strange looks and sucker punches his brother in the shoulder casually. He looks alarmingly like Alexi doing that and smiles at him with a knowing grin that gets him a dramatic eye roll.

“Shut up, or I’ll shoot you in the face,” Alexi growls, scowling and frowning in the most insanely cute way while being utterly serious. I beam at him, adoration and crushing like a maniac because I wouldn’t have my feral beast any other way. Hostile, aggressive, crazy in bed and just a little prickly sometimes.

Perfect.

Alexi. Always the charmer.