Chapter 163

“What the fuck?” I spin, yelling at her. “Is that how you justify it to yourself? That I just imagined it?” My pain can’t conceal itself. “Or was it that I asked for it, Mother? Like I seduced Ray?” I swipe the counter in my rage, sending crockery flying and smashing to the floor. Jake’s on his feet instantly and comes to me in two strides, pulling me to him as tears fill my eyes and he tries to reign me in a little. I push him away and turn on her again. Putting myself in front of him so I can face her.

“Why do you always do this?” I yell but she continues to sit with her eyes faced forward on the wall across from her, her expression blank as though her child is just having a tantrum. “You always make me feel this way! You always act this way whenever I try to broach this subject.” It’s all ripping loose from inside of me, teen Emma not caring if Jake sees her in all her ugly fury. Jake tries to haul me to him, to embrace me but I fight him off. I need to get this out. I need more of a reaction than this same bullshit, every time I find the courage to face her.

“This is why I left … Why I ran … This is why I don’t come back.” I cry in desperation, Jake stands behind me his hands on my upper arms, trying to support me, he stays silent but just feeling him close helps me find courage. “You can never admit what you let happen to me, can you? You can never acknowledge that I’m a fucking mess because of you … You’ve no idea the shit that goes on inside of my head every second of everyday, because of you!” I yell at her, the pain in my voice raw as the tears pour down my skin pathetically. I’ve never felt so close to hysteria in my life. She stays sitting and doesn’t move one single inch. Her focus intent on the wall. Jake’s grip has become reassuringly tight, his strength keeping me up. I’m the unraveling mess of a child who can never understand why her mother just didn’t love her enough. “Look at me!” I demand, but she doesn’t. She just picks up her mug and takes a long, slow drink until I almost break, the crumbling of resolve as tears begin to pour. “What did I do to ever deserve any of that? … Any of this? I was your only child, Mom … I was your baby. Why didn’t you protect me?” My voice is oozing absolute heartbreak. Jake’s arms come around me and this time I don’t fight him. He pulls me under his chin, turning me into his chest and holds me close, his heart beating a little more rapidly than normal. I dissolve. So much heart-wrenching pain and tears pouring out of me. Jake saw who I really was and yet he’s not letting me go, he’s holding me closer than before.

“Jocelyn, for the love of god … If you don’t acknowledge her and what she’s saying to you, I think I’ll be the one to fucking lose my shit in here.” His deep gravelly voice holds so much anger, yet it’s steady and strong. It snaps me out of my misery, and I turn my head to look at her. This makes her snap her attention to us, so good at always blocking me out yet add a dominant male with an edge to his tone and she’s all ears.

You’re pathetic.

“You believe the things she says about me?” she whimpers like a child, switching on doe eyes and blinking at him expertly. I have seen this face a million times. Her victim act and she is damned good at it. It wounds me to the core.

“Emma has never lied to me and I know she never will … I met Ray Vanquis … I beat the shit out of him, and I would do it to every guy you ever let touch her.” The malice in his voice wipes away her expression instantly. Gulping back unsurely, she slowly stands.

“I think you should both leave … I’ve nothing else to say.” Her expression may look unaffected but her voice wobbles, her hands tremble as she crosses them across her waist in such a PA Emma way.

“Emma deserves so much more of a mother than you,” he growls, his temper let loose, the vibration of rage rippling through his body. “Your daughter is scarred to hell because of the shit you let her endure, everything she became was a coping mechanism to blank it all out. You’ve no idea how far she’s come, what she’s gone through. Yet you stand here like she means nothing. That her pain means nothing. You make me fucking sick … As a mother … As a human being.” Jake wraps me in his arms more forcefully, trying to blot out the pain for me. “I made her come … This was a mistake. I see that now and it won’t be one I’ll be making again.” He snaps and finally pulls me with him toward the table. Lifting our coats but keeping one arm around me, he finally turns to her. My champion, with every word he’s pulling me back from desperation. “There is so much that she had to say to you, but I see now why she never could … I finally see why Emma spent her life so closed in and keeping people at arm’s length, even me. You taught her that she wasn’t worth anything, she wasn’t worthy of love, only being abused. You taught her that letting people get close at all only left her open to be hurt. That men would only hurt her and no one but her was going to protect her. When I marry her, I don’t want you there, you will just jade it.” He snarls and turns, pulling me with him toward the door without a backward glance.

I have never heard or seen Jake this way, especially not with a woman, the fairer sex. His body bristling with anger, he guides me out of the apartment and into the hall. My tears still falling silently. I’ve lost all ability to do anything except be pulled around by him like a child. I watch him as he tugs my coat around me, his eyes flashing and sizzling, he bites his lip to curb his temper, his jaw tense and stiff with so much aggression brimming in his muscles. He sighs dramatically before leading me out into the Chicago air and back to the car he’s hired.

“We’re going home,” he says as he pulls the door open for me, deposits me inside and clips my seat belt as though I am a child. He leans down planting a soft kiss on my tear damp lips, wiping my face with the back of his fingers before closing me in, walking around, pulling on his jacket, and slides into his seat and slams the door. Starting the car, he slams his hand on the wheel, making me jump, jaw tensed, fingers bunching into fists, he finally relaxes and turns to me.

“I’m sorry, baby … I didn’t know it would turn out this way … I finally get it. Completely … The parts I could never understand. You learned all that closed in bullshit from her, you know. The icy demeanor and inability to just talk. I know you probably don’t want to hear it; you probably don’t even see it.” He sighs and leans toward me, his hand capturing my face and pulls me to him. “I’ll never make you come here again … I’ll never question anything about your relationship with her. As far as I’m concerned, she’s the fucking problem, the reason you couldn’t trust anyone. The reason you can’t ever talk about the past.” He kisses me a little more firmly, it’s as though he is trying to push his own anger out as well as mine. I relax into his touch, lost in the way he opens my lips and feels his way inside of me, leaving me breathless when we part. “It isn’t just what those men did, Emma … She’s a huge part of the problem. What she did was far worse and probably had the biggest effect on you, but you don’t even realize it.” He pushes his forehead to mine and finally lets me go.

“Just get me away from here, Jake,” I whisper finally, unable to say anything else about what just happened or to even acknowledge anything he is saying. That part of me that’s so emotionally damaged taking icy control.

“Don’t worry about it baby … We’re as good as on a plane home, we just need to pick up our bags from the hotel and we can get the hell out of this place.” He thrusts the car into gear and maneuvers out of the parking spot, getting us back to the hotel in mere minutes.

He stops before getting out to call his pilot and tells them to ready his plane for a trip back to New York.

In our room, he pulls me with him to the bed and hauls me down on top of him, wrapping himself around me like a second skin and just breathes in my hair without saying a word. I nuzzle close, listening to the steady beat of his heart, my tears dried, my demeanor calm but the ache inside me engulfing my body in pain. His body emanating sheer anger. He stays that way with me for long minutes before finally rolling us onto our side and bringing his face to mine.

“I love you more than anything in the world, Emma … I love you so much that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect you. I need you in ways that I never knew were possible, in ways I didn’t think I could ever need anyone. You’re my world.” He pushes his face to mine, raw with emotion. “She isn’t someone you should ever measure your worth up against. You should only think about me; how much I love you and need you and measure your worth against that. There is no one else in the world who compares to you, neonata. You got a shitty deal when it came to parents and yet you turned out like this, you’re perfect. You’re amazing.” He kisses me hard, pouring as much feeling as he can into this single thing, pushing the meaning into me. Trying to convince me of my own worth as a person.

“Jake,” I whisper breathlessly when he finally releases me. “You’ve no idea how much I need you.” Tears roll down my cheeks as he pulls me back into his arms, crushing me against him in an effort to take it all away for me.