Chapter 168

“You’re putting up with so much crap from her and running to LA for all of this,” I retort. “How can she say that you’re not invested?”

“You really want to know?” He looks at me warily. “You never ask about any of this.” He watches me carefully. I bite on my lip, and twirl my hair nervously, everything in me wanting to push this topic away and clamp shut, but the way he’s looking at me stills me. He lifts his hand to mine, cupping it slowly and pulls my fingers from my hair with a frown. He keeps my hand in his yet uses his thumb to stroke my cheek.

“I want to talk to you about this, but not if it’s going to upset you.” He finally admits but I stay still, looking intently at him. My heart racing erratically.

“I need to stop pretending it’s not happening.” I finally let out quietly and watch the indecision flit across his face. He knows I won’t lead the conversation, so he volunteers it instead.

“I asked her to have a termination.” He grimaces as though he’s not proud of the memory. “The night in the hotel, the first time we ever had sex … I didn’t know what was happening with us, all I could think about was you. She wanted me to marry her, for the sake of her pride and I told her no. I thought a baby would mean I would never have a chance with you, so I told her I didn’t want it.” He looks anywhere but at me and despite looking ashamed there’s an inner glow inside of me, a tiny spark calming over my insecure heart.

Does that make me a complete bitch?

“I was a complete jerk. She showed up at the wrong time, things between us messy and all I wanted was to march to your room and talk about everything that happened; not be pacing around my room with an angry Marissa preaching to me about responsibilities.”

I love you so much!

“You think I don’t agree? I would have done the same if I were you.” I reach my fingertips up and try to smooth away the furrow of his dark brows. “This baby has been a massive cloud over us from day one.”

He sighs and turns his attention back to me, his knuckles running down my cheek.

“I keep trying to feel some sort of peace with this, trying to get things legal is an attempt at being okay with it but I just can’t. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m going to be a father, I just can’t seem to accept it.” He exhales heavily. “The DNA testing just points out to me more than ever how much I’m desperate to find a way out, Emma … I’m ashamed that I can even think that way. It’s why I don’t want it … Because I don’t want to focus hope on some miracle that it’s not mine.”

Hearing him verbalize all of this makes me cry, only not with insecurity or anguish but with relief, a part of me needing to hear all of this finally. He rests his forehead to mine, his fingers tracing my mouth.

“This isn’t how I planned any of this. It was supposed to be just you and me and a whole future ahead of us to get married, have kids … Marissa and this baby turn everything upside down. It kills me to know how much it hurts you and that hurts me too.”

“I wish it never happened.” I admit shyly, my cheeks heating at the admission, afraid to show him how selfish I am.

You’re an awful person, Emma!

“I wish it never happened either; I’m not just saying that because I got her pregnant … I wish I had realized the moment I fell in love with you that sex with anyone else was never going to fix me. I was stupid and only gave you more reason to push me away.” He’s gazing deeply into my eyes intensely; every shade of green has come into play with every emotion and right now I’m mesmerized. I look away, swallowing down the surge of hurt, the memory of him leaving me on that boat to expel his sexual tension with other women in a bid to get over me. “It never helped me. I just felt shitty.” He whispers against my cheek. “It just made me even more messed up in the head, feeling more and more distraught.”

“You don’t need to tell me this.” I start, the panic rising that’s he’s going to admit to everything I don’t want to hear. I don’t need to know about the women who kept him occupied while we were apart.

“I need to tell you this, Emma … You need to hear it, if anything so that I stop feeling guilty about it every time I look at you. I regret it so much.”

“I don’t want to know about other women when you left the boat.” I start, wriggling to get free but he holds me still.

“There was only one … Once. I swear. Then I sent her away and took some alone time because I realized sex wasn’t going to straighten my head out, it wasn’t going to fill this emptiness inside of me that you left.”

It rips through my chest but in no way near the destructive way I expected. I was waiting to hear about a multitude of women and non-stop sex, yet his admission takes it all away.

“But you came back to New York with a date.” I point out. My brain scrambling at the memories in disbelief.

“I’m capable of sharing my bed with someone and not having sex you know, I brought her with me to make sure I didn’t try anything with you.” He shrugs. “I didn’t care if it pissed her off, I just didn’t trust myself to be close to you.”

“Before the boat?” I blurt out, my mind chaos and trying to think back to the women he had around me back then. So sure he’d been keeping up with his dates throughout.

“Probably less than half you thought I was sleeping with, slowly, over the months I couldn’t find anything in them that turned me on. I pretty much lost all interest in every woman that I laid eyes on after the first time I kissed you.” He smiles at me. “Up until that point, I didn’t really understand how I felt, I knew I cared about you a lot. I knew that you drove me crazy with your tight skirts, hints of cleavage, and high heels but I figured it was lust … Challenge of the unattainable. I was confused.”

“But we barely kissed, and I pushed you away?” I frown, my memories falling into one another haphazardly.

“I know. But in that brief second, I knew I was crazy about you, the feel of you.” He stops and runs a gentle fingertip across my lower lip longingly. “I’ve never felt that way kissing anyone, the deep lurch in my stomach and goddamn butterflies” He grins. “All that mushy girl crap you hear them talking about … It actually happened for me.”

I grin back at him.

Who knew Carrero could turn into a teen girl?

“Pity all I could think was how terrified I was, it drowned out everything else for me.” I admit apologetically but he only smiles and throws a quick kiss on my mouth.

“I felt it baby … That fear, that instant terror and it only made me want to be the guy to rescue you even more. I knew I had to gain your trust slowly. I made up my mind that I was going to be the guy to bring you out of yourself, no matter what it took.”

“Not enough to abstain from sex though?” I pout.

“Hey, no fair. I was still figuring it out. I tried to just carry on as normal, but I didn’t get the same kick out of casual sex anymore and I didn’t sleep with most of them.” His brow furrows and his gaze lands on mine again, that remorse overtaking his beautiful face.

“So, your break in women? You were really celibate by then? That must have been hard when surrounded by over sexed bimbos,” I grimace, unable to conceal my jealousy.

“Why? You don’t think I could cope without constant sex? I kept up the pretense for a while, baby, in case you caught on something had changed and then I just let the dates fizzle out until I didn’t bother with them anymore. Which, can I add, was a relief, because man, you women sure get prissy as shit when a guy refuses sex. I knew what I wanted, Emma. No one else held any interest for me. It was harder to be around you and not want sex with you every minute of the day.”

“Jake Carrero gave up sex for me. Hell must have frozen over.” I’m grinning, this admission has completely blown me away. I squeal and giggle as he goes for my stomach with tickling fingers.

“I told you … This relationship didn’t start after that dance, neonata, for me, this has been a very long time coming. I’m amazed I still had the lasting capability the first time we had sex. It had been a hell of a while and the way you got to me I was shocked I lasted more than thirty seconds.” He was on top of me now, brushing back my hair and nuzzling his nose against mine.

“I guess it explains why you’re making up for it nowadays.” I giggle, he laughs too, flooring me with the beauty of that white grin.

“Trust me. The lack of sex is not the only reason. You, my love, drive me insane with lust.” He kisses me more thoroughly, pinning me down to the bed and moving against me suggestively. “See.” He points out as the hardness in his pants press through the sheets against my pelvis.

“I didn’t stop things.” I remind him. “You did.”

He frowns and takes a deep breath, his eyes on mine as he stills. That serious, all-business look coming across his face.

“I’ll have my lawyers draft in the request for DNA for as soon as the baby is born, this may change things with our current arrangements knowing how Marissa can be. I’m not going to get my hopes up, Emma … I may not remember it happening but I’m pretty sure she would never stoop that low.” He brushes his nose against mine before stealing a soft kiss. I smile in response despite the inner trepidation and sudden flutter of anxiety.

There’s nothing more to say on the subject and knowing that he will get the test helps put it out of my head. This whole conversation has helped put it all out of my head. Lifting my chin up, I kiss him passionately, catching his bottom lip and sucking it sexily, the stirring in his sweatpants harden I and grin triumphantly.

“Want to get naked and finish what you started, Casanova?” I lay back watching with satisfaction as the heavy dark lust clouds his eye color.

“Bambino, I’m on a mission to make you cum at least once before we head down for food.” He grins, pulling away to peel his clothes off.