Chapter 181

“Hmmm. I don’t know, Emma, am I? The woman I want a life with tells me she doesn’t actually fucking want it with me.” His anger rises at the closure of his sentence, his husky voice turning more to a growl. Deathly venom lacing his tone. That stubborn, impulsive, logic clouding his normally quick brain.

“I never said that … I said not yet, there’s an enormous difference.” My resolve is crumbling and some sort of weary feebleness creeping over me. I was used to Jake’s crazy violent temper when I was his PA, but I’ve never seen it as his lover. Right now, I don’t know how to react or calm him.

“Why not yet? I know how I feel already. If you don’t feel the same way after everything, then I doubt you ever will.” He slams his case shut and yanks it toward him to zip it up. The strength in the way he savages it is almost enough to snap it off.

He’s being impossible, how can you even argue with such stupid logic. Just because self-assured, always knows what he wants in life Carrero has decided this is his chosen path, it doesn’t mean I’m there yet. He has to understand that my past, my life has taught me to be cautious. To be wary of letting others take too much of my control away. It’s an ingrained reflex to survive and I need time.

“You’re being ridiculous, Jake.” I bite my tongue, wanting to say so much but knowing by his simmering temper that it will lead to an all-out fight in his mother’s house. That rage inside of him is bubbling dangerously close to an all-out explosion. I can’t deal with the humiliation of a blow-out while they’re all here.

“Look … I think we need to drop it. I have to go say goodbye, you need to pack. I called the airfield; the jet will be ready by the time we get there.” He’s gritting his teeth as he talks to me, inner fury seeping out and for once, I’m glad that he’s leaving the room. I’m shaky and vulnerable and so close to tears it’s unreal. Jake’s temper never used to phase me when I was just his PA but now, he has this ability to make me feel young and stupid and insecure. He has the ability to wound me deeply and a pain starts gnawing through my chest.

Why can’t I just say yes? … Yes, I want a home with you, Jake. It’s what I want more than anything. I know why … I can’t because I’ve an inability to back down or verbalize my fears, the same as he does, and this isn’t going to change until one of us changes our mind. I’m not the one being unreasonable. He is!