Chapter 190

“Emma, I believe he’s the one for you, mistakes aside. I truly believe you’ll never find another love or happiness in the way you found it with him. He seems to know what you need, almost instinctively, and he gives you it. He understands you. You have no idea how rare that is.” She tightens her grasp on my hand and gazes at me fondly. Those tropical blue eyes twinkling with love. “You changed someone like him, Emma, he changed you, you have no idea how huge that is. I don’t think he’ll ever look anywhere else again if you give him another chance, no, in fact I know he won’t.”

“I can’t just push aside what he did.” I sigh.

“But you can learn to forgive him, and you can only do that by talking to him and seeing what happens next.” She strokes back my hair from my face wiping away some of the wetness on my cheek. “You can’t wallow in here and hide away forever.”

“It hurts me when I think of him, or even see his name on a text or an email. I can’t bear to open any that he’s sent; not even the letter Mathews brought the first day.” I shrug at her hauling my hair across my face twisting it harshly. Lately, every anxiety driven habit and fidget I’d learned to control has returned tenfold, reminding me of him and his warm hands pulling my fingers from my hair. I yank my hands away clenching my fists to curb the urge.

“You’re doing what you always do, you’re pushing it away, denying its effect on you. It’s hurting you trying to catch it all in that little black box in your head, but it won’t work with this. You look awful.” Sarah smiles at me but I can see the concern in her eyes. “I’m not telling you to run back to him with open arms, just go see him … Or let him come see you. Talking is the only way forward.” The way she inclines her head with a knowing look gives me a tingle of suspicion. Something in that ‘know it all’ expression makes me stop and take note.

“He’s talked to you, hasn’t he?” I finally click that she knows more than I managed to say through hysterical tears, and she changed her whole attitude in the last few hours since my call. I’m not dumb, only Jake could’ve given her the insight that I don’t have. The way she’s been fighting to give him a chance when only hours ago she wanted to rip that pretty head from his wide, strong shoulders.

More like his asshole head and arrogant shoulders. Man up, Emma!

“Yes, he did. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind if I’m being honest. He gave me his number a while back when I couldn’t get through to you at work and had to call your main office.” She looks away sheepishly as though she’s done something wrong.

“What did he say? How did he sound?” I can’t help myself, it’s like dangling alcohol in front of a drunk, any tiny insight into Jake right now is what I need and crave, even if it’s something I’m not sure my frayed emotions can handle right now. I know how contradictory my reaction is to what I’ve been thinking, but it’s an instinctive impulse I have no control over.

“He sounded so … broken. The first thing he said was “How is she?” … That kind of threw me.” She shrugs nonchalantly. “I was all set to yell at him but then I sort of didn’t, he sounded like a man who’s living through hell Emma … Not very Jake Carrero at all.”

I swallow hard, returning my focus to my hand, as the tremble in my lips betrays my urge to cry. I don’t want to hear how hurt he is or how different he is. I want to know my domineering cocky asshole is still in there. I need him to be the Jake I love.

“Tell me …” I stumble over the words like lead in my mouth. “… Tell me what he told you.”

“Maybe it’s best coming from him sweetheart? He told me because he needed someone to offload to, someone who would be on your side. Someone he knew loves you as much as he does. I think he wanted me to see it from his side and somehow maybe if I could understand it then he would have a chance at getting you to understand too.” The honesty in her eyes makes me break.

“No … I couldn’t bear to hear him say any of it. I don’t think I could handle it. Please Sarah.” I turn to her with watery, pleading, eyes, and a grim expression. My pain is so visible she lets out a small cry of sympathy, the sound of it makes my heart thump harder in my chest.

She thinks for a long while before resigning herself to saying more, my begging gaze boring into her, weakening her resolve. Defeat in her eyes as she slowly gives in to my silent willing.

“He barely kissed her, Ems … seconds at most, and then felt an almighty kick in his gut. He said he knew instantly he was throwing away everything that mattered to him, that he was being an idiot, so he turned around and walked away. Left her standing in the club. He went home with Daniel until he was ready to face you.”

She looks at me, waiting for some sort of response, and when I don’t give one, she carries on. “He said he switched on his phone when he couldn’t stand it any longer and had two messages and a voicemail from you. It was like having his heart ripped out all over again. He knew as soon as he saw them, he’d lost you. He knew the second he told you what he’d done you would go.” She sighs and raises her eyebrows in an ‘I’m sorry’ kind of gesture.

“I just don’t get how he could do that to me.” I sob as pain sears through my chest despite her telling me something I already know. I bite down the burning knot of agony in my throat, fighting down the words trying to come out of my mouth.

“He’s a man, Emma … He’s human and not perfect. God, you’ve told me how many times before how imperfect your Boss was? He’s still the same guy; except now you love him. We all have insecurities, and we all jump to conclusions and make stupid mistakes, even him.” She hands me the box of tissues from the side. No one knows more than me that we’re capable of irrationality when insecurity raises its head.

I am the queen of insecurity and jealousy.

“What if I can never forgive him? Never stop feeling this broken?” Fresh tears roll down my cheeks, hopelessness devouring me.

“I promise you that you can move on from this, and if he’s the guy for you, he’ll earn your forgiveness a thousand times over. I really have faith that he will Emma.” She tips my chin with her fingers, so I look at her. “He really loves you in a way that makes me kind of jealous.” She smiles, casting her eyes to her shut bedroom door. “Not all men are so easy to love or show it so openly. But Jake and you, I think you’re the exception to the rule, you two really are the fairy-tale couple despite his impulse to fuck it up all the time. He dotes on you in a way most men aren’t capable of and he doesn’t care who sees it either.”

“It doesn’t feel like it right now.” I sigh, wiping my nose with my sleeve, ungraceful and completely angst pushed. The old Emma would be rolling in her metaphorical grave right now.

“Don’t walk away from him … I’m not saying that for him, I’m saying it for you. I don’t think I’ll ever see you get over him if you do.” She sets a serious look on her gentle face. “You owe it to yourself to try to forgive him, if you can’t then at least you know you tried.” Sarah’s warmth calms me bringing some sense of numb back to the ache in my chest.

“You really want the apartment to yourself, don’t you?” I smile through my watery tears and Sarah giggles.

“Totally! It is my love nest after all.” We both laugh, softly, releasing a tiny bit of the tension. “You know you can stay here forever. I would love nothing more, but really I want you to be happy and I think it’ll only happen when you’re back with him.”

Typical. Find happiness in the arms of the one person who can destroy you.

“What should I do?” I finally sniff, still so confused at the riot of emotions and thoughts coursing through my head.

“Read the letter, the messages, and emails. Then maybe reply to one of them and take it from there.” She presses a palm to my cheek in a surprisingly maternal way. “Do what you feel is best for you. But don’t just sit festering, doing nothing.” Sarah gets up and walks to her door, leaving me to digest our conversation.

“I need to go unpack and see Marcus, tell him it’s safe to come out. He has a phobia of women’s tears and a public show of real emotions. Just yell if you need me, okay?” She smiles at me widely and I realize she still has her coat on from coming home. She didn’t even stop to take it off before coming and being here for me.

I love you, Sarah.

“I’ll be in my room … Reading.” I sigh, resigning myself to following her advice for once, unable to stop the trembling in my body but my mind is made up, even if every part of me is screaming in fear. Sarah halts and throws me a wink and a smile.

“I was hoping you’d say that.”