Chapter 199

“You look beautiful, neonata,” he says, almost as though he can read my mind. I swallow hard as the lump of emotion threatens to rise through my throat at the fact that he always knows.

Is there another human being alive so effortlessly in tune with me? Who always says just what I need to hear?

“I look tired and awful,” I reply quietly. “I haven’t been sleeping a whole lot lately.” I bring my hands to the hem of the cozy long jumper dress, fiddling with the soft wool, and chew my lip. Now I’m here beside him and ready to get this out I don’t know what to say or how to say it; I don’t even know what I want.

“Makes two of us.” His voice is lighter and without looking up I can tell he’s staring at me with his beautifully gorgeous green eyes.

God, I miss him so much.

Even his smell and closeness are aiding wounds that have opened over the last few days. The eternal despair and loneliness that consumed me is fading with his mere presence and him being his normal gentle self. I can almost forget the past few days of agonizing loneliness.

“You hurt me.” It’s the only thing I can think of to say to get this in the direction it needs to go. I’m so used to Jake leading conversations that involve feelings but not this time. I need him to understand what I’m feeling and thinking and not let it bubble up inside me.

“I know … I hate myself right now, Emma, you have to believe me. If I could go back and stop it then I would, in a heartbeat.” He shifts closer, his leg up on the couch so he’s fully turned to me. I can’t bring myself to turn to him; tears welling up inside me now that we’re doing this. “I can’t function without you … I miss you like crazy, bambino, and I’m losing my mind not being able to touch you.” His nearness causes waves of tingles and cold to run over me, my body as confused as my mind, turning into a chaos of mixed signals. Lust, fear, longing, defiance, love, hate, heartbreak. I’ve no idea what to feel about him.

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive what you did.” A silent tear rolls down my cheek. “I trusted you.” I lift my hand tangling my fingers into my hair, turning the strand, and twisting it absent-mindedly, trying to focus on something else rather than the erupting chaos inside of me. Jake leans out over me, automatically, taking my hand in his and slides the last gap between us holding my hand to his chest and over his heart. His touch is searing yet comforting but pushes the vision of his hand on her into my head and I pull it away as though it’s been scolded. He says nothing and doesn’t react but sighs gently, accepting the fact that I can’t have him holding my hand.

“I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to earn it back … I’ll do anything, Emma, I’ll go anywhere. If you want me to cut all ties with her then I will.” His voice only holds strong conviction.

“What about the baby?” I croak, my heart thudding like a war drum. I can’t look at him when he’s sitting so close, but I can feel his eyes burning into me; devouring me.

“If you asked me to walk away from that too then I would. I know how bad it’s going to be for us, to have that connection with her. All I want is you back in my arms, Emma.” He leans closer so he’s almost touching my hair with his nose. I hold my breath, fighting with myself to move away, but my body stays still, betraying my mind. My body wants this even if my brain is screaming to get away from him. I feel so powerless.

“I wouldn’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to abandon it, despite me not wanting the baby to be there.” My hands are shaking so badly I push them between my knees and press my legs together to hold them still.

“I know you wouldn’t, but I need you to know that I would do anything for you.”

“I need you to tell me why.” The tears spring out without warning, my voice crumbling, and I tense away as his hands rise to hold me, he stills and puts them back down.

“There is no why, baby. Only a stupid drunken mess who convinced himself that you didn’t want a life with me. I wasn’t just drunk, Emma. I went off the rails and took shit I haven’t touched since my teens. I got completely shit-faced and got into a fight with two men during that one night.” The regret in his voice causes me to look at his hands. It’s the first time I notice the faint bruises and healing cuts across his knuckles. That inner weight gets heavier and my heart bleeds a little more; a surge of disappointment at knowing he’d taken drugs. The Jake I loved didn’t do those things anymore and I don’t like that he’s admitted it.

“I didn’t say no to a life with you, I didn’t say no to marriage. I said it was all happening so fast and I was scared.” I leave my focus on his hands, they’re sat on his knees. It’s a better, safer view than his green eyes deeply boring into me.

“I know.” He sounds ashamed, deflated, and devoid of hope; the tone of his voice yanks through my chest, tugging painfully at my emotions.

“I need to know what you were thinking, how far it went. It’s all that goes through my head all the time. You and her and I can’t bear it.” I don’t hide my tears and my voice is trembling as much as my hands. He lifts his hands automatically fisting them and puts them back down. His urge to console me and touch me is torturing him as much as his closeness is torturing me.

“I wasn’t thinking, Emma. There was just rage and mess and a lot of pent-up anger. The more wasted out of my head I got, the less logical everything became. It could’ve been any girl, it just happened to be her. She appeared almost out of nowhere and was trying to get me to talk to her. I don’t remember much of what happened only her kissing me and I didn’t stop her for a minute. Jesus this is so hard to say to you.” His voice breaks, his body tense beside me yet I stay focused on my lap.

“I need to know, I need to hear all of it,” I whisper, tears coursing down my face. My heart has finally met so much pain it’s temporarily gone numb; a deep hollow of disbelief taking over me and giving me a moment of respite before it wears off.

“I guess she thought there was a chance for her. I knew I was making a mistake, even as messed-up as I was, so I pushed her away after seconds, baby, I swear. Nothing else happened, I didn’t even touch her. I didn’t stick around either … I stormed outside and ended up beating the shit out of a security guard in pure anger because I was so fucking mad at myself. I knew I’d fucked-up, even in that state, baby, you must believe me, Emma. I’ve never felt so much disgust at myself.” He shifts, getting as close as he can to feel my heat, still unsatisfied with not being able to touch me. Part of me longs to feel his arms around me but I ignore that inner defiance.

“Did you do it to hurt me? That’s what you said that night. To lash out.” I look away from him toward the kitchen and focus on the bedroom door I left open, trying not to think of the first time he carried me in there. So long ago yet still there to visually torture me.

“I worded it badly, Emma. I never did it in such a calculated way. I was acting up and lashing out at everyone because I was a mess. Drunk, off my face on God knows what. Hitting people and kissing her … It was all part of my fuck you all haze. It wasn’t like that. I couldn’t intentionally do something to cause you pain or score points, I’m crazy about you. You’re everything to me.” He sighs heavily, voice broken, and this time without hesitation he catches my hand, pulling it into both of his firmly and holding tight. I don’t resist this time, watching as his fingers move around my clenched fist slowly and gently stroking me, enjoying the way his skin always feels on mine, allowing myself this little comfort. I’m trying to take in everything he’s saying, and my head is getting so fuzzy with fatigue.

“I know I always seem like the cocky, arrogant asshole who’s so sure of everything. I’m that way because I’ve had a lifetime of being on show in the limelight. It’s a part I play so well that sometimes I forget to tell you about the other side … There is another side, Emma, the jealous, grumpy, shitty side. He’s insecure and so sure that he’s only holding onto you by the skin of his teeth. He’s lurking inside me telling me that I’ll never be good enough to keep you, that my past will push you away. It’s why I push for more, push to get you to move in, push for the house, and the dream, push for marriage.”

He’s gazing at me intently, squeezing my hand into his, I think he’s waiting for me to say something, but I can’t. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I’ve never been here before either. I look away, unsure of what he’s going to profess next but the passion in his stare pulls me back. I glance at him pleadingly, not knowing how to respond. He realizes I need something else, something more, something that brings this is all back together and he takes a deep breath ready to continue his onslaught; knowing it’s anything but unrequited; speaking to my inner soul.

“You’re the one for me, Emma. The woman I want my happily ever after with, the big house full of kids. I figured rushing you into that stuff would make me feel more secure. Stuff I never imagined myself ever hoping for, but I see it all with you. It’s that guy who got unleashed with force that night and I couldn’t rein him back in. The insecure guy who figured he’d been right all along, and he could never keep you; that destructive me hasn’t reared his head for a very long time and he never will again …” He leans in toward me, his voice closer to my ear, his breath tickling my face. “At Daniel’s that night, while wanting to beat the shit out of myself, I realized something … I always had you, every part of you, and I was too stupid to see it or believe it until I fucked it up.” His hoarse voice breaks a little, his tone deep and full of despair.

I sniff back the overwhelming wave of pain he’s caused me and lift my chin to look at him, gulping back the onslaught of tears a little forcefully, his words slicing through my heart.