Chapter 106

Pushing his mouth to mine, kissing me with intention and cooling my jets completely as he tugs my arms across my back snugly. It’s not a passionate, tongue caressing kiss but it hits the mark and renders me mute in the blink of an eye. Calming the tidal wave of insanity and making me surrender to him on every level with minimal effort and I hate that he suckered me this way and exposed a severe Achilles heel. Finally, he pulls free and regards at me for a long moment.

“I’ll let your arms go if you promise to calm down, take a breath and hear me out.” He gazes at me imploringly, swallowing nervously and despite myself, sticking up my chin in defiance, I nod. My heart hammering from exertion, my brain trying to take control, but I am so spent; the exhaustive outburst has taken what little energy I had left in me and another bout of attack won’t be effective in any way.

“Fine.” He waits a second to see if I mean it, before releasing me and I pull my arms across my chest again as he does so. I turn away, taking on a stubborn and angry pose when really, I am scared that he’s just going to deliver another blow to my wounded soul. Arrick moves back to give me space, moving to my bed and sits down, breathing a little excessively and looking completely shattered too. He pats the space beside him, gazing my way but I only scowl at him and meet a resigned frown.

“I love you … I am in love with you. I fucked up, screwed everything up because I was scared and stupid as shit. I made the wrong choice, a lot of wrong choices concerning you because of how much I thought I would lose, and I have spent every second since regretting it, Sophie. I lost the only thing which ever mattered to me in all of it. You have to believe that. I meant all of it.” Arrick stands up again, obviously hating that I am still standing here like a statue. Anger brimming inside as he gets closer to me and I turn on him aggressively again before he can lay another hand on me.

“Why should I believe you? Where were you? Three fucking months since you asked me to leave your apartment. Where the fuck were you?” I yell at him, tears finding a fresh wave and rolling down my face. Even when I thought I had no more tears left to fall. He reaches for me impulsively, but I step back away from him and pull myself into a tight huddle, wrapping my arms around myself. He pauses and waits, realizing I am on the severe defensive and touch will only make me worse. He appraises my body language and expression, so fully focused on my eyes, with so many emotions on his face it’s weird to see. The cool and calm poker face is gone and instead, a guy who is seriously struggling to stay in control.

“I came for you. I did … I swear. Four weeks after you left, when I realized just how badly I had ruined all of our lives, Sophs, like I told you. When I couldn’t function anymore with not seeing you. I came to try and do this then.” He reaches for me again and clenches his fist, pulling it back in frustration at not being able to touch me, but I stay glaring at him coldly. My heart is torn with the many things he still has to answer for, so much my heart and head want to hear before I can even contemplate forgiving him.

Like why she is even here if she is nothing to him?

“And?” I snap, not understanding why he’s saying he came when he didn’t. I would have seen him, spoken to him, maybe even been able to forgive him if he had. I had not seen or heard from him at all, in all that time.

“I saw you with Christian, outside your apartment. I didn’t know he was gay, and to me, it looked like you had found someone else, you looked happy. I knew I didn’t have a right to fuck any of that up for you, even if I was there to try and get you back. Jake already told me that you didn’t want me near you anymore, I didn’t know how to react.” Arrick turns away and back again like he has too much energy inside of him buzzing about and needs to release it. I stay still, scowling at him, so unwilling to let him past my wall and hurt me again, afraid to take anything he is saying at face value while I know she is sat in his parents” house across the street.

“So, Natasha left you, and you came after your second choice? Yet because I wasn’t alone, you gave up so easily.” I turn my back on him and go off looking for a box of tissues, trying so hard to keep the tears at bay and failing. I am bristling with so much that I cannot even dissect how I really feel about anything he is saying.

“No. She would still be trying right now to claw back what we had if I let her. She wanted to keep trying, she wanted to fix it and go back to how we were. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay with her. You were never the second choice. You have always been the one for me, even when I couldn’t see it. I felt like I had severed half of my soul and had nothing left to be happy about … I never gave up on you, I saw you happy with him and knew you deserved that more than I deserved you. I screwed it up, I wasn’t about to fuck up your life again; I only ever wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.” His answer makes me stop, holding my breath, a strange calmness overtaking me at last and I wonder if my seriously broken wall of defensiveness has finally come into play.

“Go on.” I turn back to him and frown his way, watching as his eyes stay on me wherever I go. Impulsively wiping away my tears not that they have stopped flowing and watch him warily. Strangely surreal and empty inside.

“I couldn’t exactly make her forgive me for something I didn’t even regret, and there was no way in hell I could stay with her when you were all I wanted. I was pining for you, every second that I was around her; all I thought about was you. This constant weight in my chest has been a reminder every second that I’m nothing without you, Sophs.” Arrick swallows hard, his eyes glazing over and subtly clutching his t-shirt at his heart for dramatic effect.

“You are my biggest mistake, Sophie … Letting you go was the single stupidest thing I have ever done in my life; failing to see what you are to me. How much I need you.” Arrick bites on his bottom lip and swallows hard, curbing his own fragile emotions and sighs heavily. Watching me like a hawk as though looking away will sever any chance he has with me.

Suffocation hits me hard again, tears prickling my eyes as my heart constricts, and I lose that relieving sense of nothing that was all too fleeting. I can’t look at him, turning away as more make their way down my face and curse this stupidity. I know I am still drunk, and half of this reaction is because of that, and my emotional exhaustion. Trying so hard to stay strong, but he is saying everything I ever wanted to hear, breaking me apart in so many ways that I can” stay strong. I turn back to stare back at him, unable to say anything while my heads this much of a wreck. Arrick sees my silence as a reason to keep talking, closing the gap a little between us.

“I don’t deserve you … but I am going to fight for you in every way I can; do anything to be the guy who deserves you again.” I turn from him when I can’t control my tears anymore, not wanting him to see how badly this is ripping me apart as he gets closer, afraid to let him in. He comes up behind me, unable to stop my sadness even when I feel his hands on my shoulders and my traitorous body sags back against him.

“She’s only here because she needs a friend. After I broke up with her, her dad was diagnosed with cancer … he’s dying, Sophie, and she’s a mess, I couldn’t just cut her off. I’m not that guy, I never have been, and I can’t be cruel to someone who never deserved any of this. She knows we’re over; she knows it’s because I’m in love with you. She knows that we’re not getting back together, even if I never get you back. I asked her to come here and see my family this weekend, to get her away from the city and her problems. I never thought anything would happen with you and waking up to the realization she was arriving while we were together, in bed … I didn’t know how the hell to handle it. That’s what the “fuck” was all about, not that you were beside me, that was pretty much the happiest moment in my life.” Arrick sounds tired, hell I’m tired. I don’t know what to think or feel and I just can’t seem to get a handle on my feelings or this dumb crying. He turns me to him and cups my shoulders gently, bringing my face to his so we’re mere millimeters apart and looking equally lost in this moment. Two people so afraid of each another, him in case I reject him, and me in case letting him in again kills me.

“I don’t know what to say.” I finally sniff, sighing as he slides them down my arms slowly, sending a million goosebumps in their wake and sighs at me with unconcealed adoration, now I am both calm again and no longer staring at him with unconcealed hatred.

“That you want to try with me. Just give me a chance. That’s all I am asking for. A chance to be with you … It’s what I want more than anything in the world.” Arrick’s eyes come to mine, so uncertain and for the first time I see real fear in him. Something I never thought I would see in him, ever. That I could hold the power to wounding him the way he wounded me and for a moment I am not sure I want that responsibility while my head is still so messy.

His phone rings in his back pocket breaking the moment between us, he pulls it out, frowns at the screen and slides it back with a heavy sigh that signals “please, not right now”, but before it goes I catch sight of her name on the screen. Guilt and decency hitting me in the gut and knowing I should be the better person for once. I may be sobbing in his arms about what he’s done, but she’s sat alone in his family’s home, breaking her heart over more than him. I hate that despite my fury in life, I am this soft sometimes.

“Answer it. You can’t leave her sitting over there indefinitely.” I move away from him to give him room, but he only follows me when I make my way to the bathroom door.

“You matter more. I’m not leaving you … not when I’ve only just got you back with me.” His eyes rest on mine, a look of complete honesty, his hand coming to stroke my cheek with his fingertips, and he seems to devour every single inch of me with his eyes. I swallow down the uncertainty and cup his hand in mine reassuringly, pulling it away gently with a need to have some headspace. I need a little alone time to let all this filter in.

“Answer the phone, at least tell her you will come over soon, or something.” I glance away from him, hating that she’s there, but hating knowing she is probably alone with her pain. Knowing why he is here with me if she knows how he feels. That can of weird worms concerning her and how I feel about her, rising once again to confuse the shit out of my brain.

Arrick hesitates, looks at me for some sort of reassurance that it’s really okay, and kisses me on the forehead lightly. An old affection that knocks me off-kilter, another sweep of threatening tears which only reinforces the fact I need space from him to think. He ponders me a little nervously, then answers the phone when it starts to ring again, all the while staring right at me with apprehension.

“Hey… Yeah, I am.” He frowns at me, then turns and walks off towards my window and looks outside, obviously feeling hugely uncomfortable now he has answered it in front of me and giving us both space. “I’m sorry, Tash. I never thought this would happen, you know I haven’t seen her.” He sounds agitated, yet remorseful; that cool tone coming through now and I watch him for a second, letting all my feelings bubble together for a moment. Part of me grateful that he isn’t hiding the call or what he’s saying from me. He could have left my room for privacy but chose this. There’s a long pause as he sighs again. “That will probably be for the best … I’m sorry it happened this way … Don’t ask me that, I won’t tell you either way … Yes, I’m still with her now.” He leans against the window, sighing so he casts breath down the glass then draws in the cloudy space while listening. I smile softly, stupidly, when he writes an “S” absentmindedly and draws a heart around it like some love-struck teen and then lets it fade away, oblivious to the fact I can see him doing it. It warms my insides a little because I know he isn’t trying to be cheesy, it was impulsive while he was distracted, and for a moment I believe that he means everything he keeps saying. Maybe, they are more than fast words to win me around.

I watch and listen, my head all over the place concerning him and I realize I am still standing in my crushed dress, last night’s makeup and have probably looked a lot better. I need some space from him like I intended, some time to get my emotions in check, to let all of this sink in for a few minutes and just be still.

I walk off towards my bathroom and catch him looking my way with a half-smile on his face and a warm look that translates so much. He looks like a guy who’s found his long lost something and can’t believe his luck. It makes me feel heavy inside, so much laying on my head. I turn and point towards the shower and get a nod in return, needing the space to get my head together, needing to leave him to do whatever it is he is going to do while I figure out if I can really let him back in.