Chapter 116

School is stressing me out today, Christian and Jenny are squabbling in the corner and I have had to redraft this pattern a dozen times already. My focus is all over the place and the interruptions by Karen, another classmate, are making me crazy. I should have just stayed home.

I woke up moody and irritable and when Arrick got up to shower I found myself lying in bed and staring at his phone, contemplating if he deleted texts from her. I know it’s stupid. I pushed away the temptation to look at his phone, hating that my mind even went there and knowing how wrong it would be. I would go crazy if he looked through mine, even though there’s nothing I wouldn’t show him. I know I trust him, but my heart and my head are gnawing themselves apart with her swirling around between us. I have so many insecurities from before; his choice to have a life with her and not me. His decision to keep her around, and as rational as I am trying to be about all of it, I can’t help how much it’s making me this way.

I haven’t told him, closing up when she is the topic or the focus, afraid to say it out loud in case he thinks I’m a crazy jealous girlfriend. I saw how badly past girls fared by showing the jealous side around him, he literally can’t handle it. He’s not that type of person, doesn’t really get jealous and doesn’t tolerate it either because he doesn’t understand it when you’re supposedly in a stable relationship. Something he actually said to me in all seriousness, like he didn’t even see the connection at all. I felt like poisoning his coffee that day.

In the last weeks he has been the perfect boyfriend, minus the lack of sex that is, and occasional shithead remarks that makes me wonder which planet his brain hibernates on at times. I love him so much sometimes, and other times I wonder what the hell goes on in that pretty head of his and if committing murder is legal if ‘idiot boyfriend’ is the cause.

Despite all of that, he’s sweeter than I could have ever imagined, he pampers me and indulges me, even when I’m being childish and trying. What started as only seeing each other a couple of times a week, ended up being together every night because he would show up to sleep beside me or talk me into coming over when I was done with my sewing homework. Somehow our days have become more and more integrated into each other’s lives in such a brief time, without even trying. He’s taken me on every type of date imaginable and, contrary to the guy I used to see with Natasha, Arrick never has his hands off me.

He is always holding my hand, putting his arms around me, and he kisses me anytime he feels like it. Publicly too, usually a lot. He’s not shy about adoring me and manhandling me wherever we go or whoever we are with and he does seem a lot happier and more like the Arry he used to be before he moved out here. He seems more relaxed, back to being less cool and emotionless on the surface towards everyone and more chilled out. Even his friends have taken note and commented on it when he isn’t listening in.

I know all of that should tell me that I’m making him a lot happier than she ever did, but I can’t shake it or shift it. This pit of heaviness is like a black cloud on my sunny day that lingers and threatens to ruin it all. I feel like there’s a part of his head that I have no access to and in my stupidity, I am convinced that’s where he harbors all his little Natasha memories and feelings away from me.

I haven’t even told Emma about any of this, despite calling her every few days and talking the sex and other stuff through. I know she will tell me I am being dumb, even I know I am, but I can’t help it. It’s been growing over the weeks and now every time I see him near his phone, no matter the reason, I assume it’s her; or if he runs late from work or the gym, or if he disappears into his study to send emails. I keep telling myself it’s irrational, but it’s there, stuck inside me, clawing away at my sanity, making me crazy inside.

I’m beyond terrified he will wake up one day and say he misses her more than he missed me and leaves me for a life he lost. I worry constantly that I’m not giving him the parts that she did and maybe he will realize the novelty with me has worn off.

“Ugh!” Jenny slams down a pile of fabric swatches on the table and slumps down opposite me. Making me jump as I was lost in my own head and driving myself into insanity again on this dumb topic.

“My sentiments exactly.” I huff without taking my eyes off the chalk line I’m drawing across my bodice pattern, changing the angle slightly to better fit my mannequin. I hate making cotton first drafts of clothes, so much adjusting and redesigning that it makes me impatient to get to my fabric choice and the finished result. I need to feel calm at this stage, not inwardly cursing out my boyfriend and contemplating life.

“Please tell me yours is male-related too and then I will feel less like an idiot … In fact, it won’t be. Your boyfriend is clearly perfect!” Jenny sighs again, catching my eye this time and I smile softly. Putting down my chalk.

“Nate?” I press. She has been ‘casually seeing him’ since my sister’s party. Apparently, they are an only sex on tap and going nowhere kind of deal, but it’s obvious from our frequent group nights out that Jenny is falling for him, while Nate is still being Nate. Acting like a single Casanova who shows her a moderate amount of attention but clearly not what she wants. The nights out have been awesome, yet his attention towards her seems to run hot and cold and she never seems to know how to behave around him.

“I know what we are. He doesn’t exactly promise me anything different, it’s just … he acts so into me when we are alone together, and then when we’re not, it’s like I don’t exist. He rarely texts or calls me, and I always have to initiate it.” She sighs heavily, gazing at me sadly. I wish I had some optimistic speech or line to give her, but I have only witnessed the same thing and Arrick doesn’t seem to ever have an opinion on it.

“I know … don’t say it. You told me, and I said I was fine with just a fuck buddy while I got over Mark.” She looks like she’s about to burst into tears and I lay down my chalk and sit down to face her properly, realizing she needs an ear right now to get this off her chest. I paste on my most understanding and gentle expression and hope to God I have the wisdom to give her right now. I am hardly an expert on happy relationships.

Clearly!

“Sex makes everything messy!” Christian interjects, leaning in between us with a furrowed brow, obviously listening and looking super fly in black today. Lately, his own love life has been a lot more settled, his boyfriend finally coming out a little and joining us all on our little group get-togethers.

James seems to get on with Arry and Nate and the other guys and their girlfriends who come along. I love our extended circle of friends, having known all Arry’s male friends a long time and now getting to know their new women and new extended friends. It feels right, as though I’ve found where I belong, and no one mentions Natasha. Even though they all know her, and know how long Arrick was with her before showing up with me on his arm, as his girlfriend instead of best friend. Christian and Jenny, and now James, seem to slot in so seamlessly with Arrick’s friends, it’s like they always were.

“Agreed.” I raise a brow at him, and we nod in unison. I still haven’t admitted to them that we haven’t even gone down that road again, or that I don’t even know if I want to. Half of me does, half of me is scared and my own emotions are still all over the place concerning even trying again anytime soon. I think this whole Natasha thing is messing with me. As much as it frustrates me that Arry isn’t trying to get me to try again, a part of me is glad in case I freak out. If it really is down to trust, and even Emma thinks it is, then this whole messy Natasha hate I have going on will just screw it all up and make him think I will never be able to go there with him. I’d rather not try if that is the outcome.

“Maybe it’s time to cut him loose Jen, accept that it’s going nowhere and you’re going to get hurt if you keep sleeping with him.” I frown harder at her, knowing Nate as I do, I know that he isn’t exactly going to stop messing around and settle down with one girl. Unknown to her, he brought a girl back with us a few nights ago from a bar where we met up, he had sex with her in Arry’s spare room and left early next day. Wasn’t hard to guess at what they were doing; she was a screamer and Arry laughed at the noises, while I growled and threatened to go castrate the bastard before he drowned them out with some music. Okay, Arry had to wrestle me to stay in bed and remove all the sharp objects I found to go and put an end to the screaming noise in the next room. He laughed mainly at me, and my rage, and then had to talk me down from a psychotic turn, that he finally only calmed by drowning out the grunting porn fest with very loud music that finally let me sleep.

“I think I’m falling for him.” She eyes me woefully and my heart sinks, hating that I could have predicted this and knew she was going to get hurt. She got over Mark way too quickly and left herself open to this jerk. Of all the people to fall for in the whole of New York, I stupidly let Nathan near her.

“Don’t do that. He is so not worthy of you. He’s a slut, he won’t change and trust me, you probably aren’t the only girl he has hanging on.” I know it’s harsh, but I need her to stop this before he hurts her, I need her to know that I know he has been sleeping with other girls too. Probably frequently.

“I know. He told me. He never actually hides it and I have never actually told him that it bothers me. I kind of told him I was seeing other people too, so that he wouldn’t think I was falling for him.” She looks desolate as Christian puts an arm around her and throws me the ‘yeah, that was never going to work’ look over her head with a dramatic grimace. He raises a brow, looking a little bit murderous and I have to agree, if Nathan were around right now, I would maim him with my fabric scissors.

“Toxic relationships make you lie to hide your feelings, babe. Cut him loose, you’re not being you and you’re acting out a part to keep him. You’re girlfriend material, a one guy girl, and he’s not for you.” Christian lays it on thick, squeezing her half to death. We catch each other’s eye and almost nod in unison. Nathan isn’t right for our girl, she’s a keeper. The kind of girl you marry and have a ton of babies with. She was never built for this crazy shitty world of games and casual sex. Nathan is jading a sweetheart with a pure soul for his own sordid ends.

“I keep telling myself that but when I try and not text or call him I miss him crazily.” A tear fills her eye and I literally feel like ripping Nate’s head off. She is the last girl in the world who needed to fall into the arms of one emotion sucking sex addict like him.

“Let him go.” Both Christian and I agree in unison, staring at her with real love, so sure that this will end no other way. I wish I could reach in and take it all away for her. I know the agony she is in and can relate to her pain.

“I know, I know … okay. I do.” Jenny stifles a sob and my heart melts, moving around beside her at the table and mirroring Christian’s pose at the other side of her, arms around her as we both hug her tight. Aware that I’m getting more touchy-feely nowadays, I don’t know if it’s because of Arry or if I’m still moving on emotionally. I find that touch and affection isn’t abhorring me in the same way anymore. I catch Christian’s eye over the top of her head and it’s clear he’s thinking the same thing that I am. She isn’t falling for Nate, she clearly already has, and the bastard is already breaking her heart.

“When he takes me home after bowling tonight, I just want one more night and then I’ll tell him it’s over … I promise.” She cries softly, not convincing either of us really; makeup streaming down her rosy cheeks as Christian reaches for a fabric swatch and dabs her eye. I sigh down the reality because I know she will do no such thing. The reason Mark got away with being a shitty boyfriend for two years is that Jenny is too easily led, she’s too accommodating when it comes to her heart and too weak to dump anyone until they ditch her.

Nate is chewing her up and the day is coming that he too will spit her out and I hate that I can see this. I hate that someone as beautiful and kind as Jenny is at the center of such a shitty man’s coldness. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt real dislike for Nathan Andrews! Seething under the surface for hurting my friend. Christian mops more of her makeup off with the cream-colored velvet and I suddenly realize what he is holding.

“That better not be the swatch for the design board we are supposed to be finishing today?” I glare at him frostily; our current project is almost done and these marks go towards a final grade on this segment of our course. The fabric he’s lifted looks a lot like the one I spent hours sourcing for our mood board.

“Shh. A friend in need. We’ll just say it’s grubby as it’s urban chic.” Christian gives me his sassy smile, shamelessly unconcerned that he probably ruined our whole board and weeks of work. I grit my teeth and then sigh in resignation.

A friend in need!

I roll my eyes at him over Jenny’s head and take the swatch from him, using it to wipe the mascara streaks from her cheeks instead and think ‘screw it’.