Chapter 123

“Shit … I’m seriously going to be late.” I’m running around looking for my shoes and trying to get myself together before Christian picks me up for the school open day. So not with it, still half drunk, feeling like shit and in need of way more sleep, trying not to dwell on last night and Arry has not brought it up at all. He’s acting like it never happened, although we literally haven’t had a second to think since I opened my eyes. He is trying to help me to get myself together and just keeps getting in my way, clucking around me, clearly still in protector mode.

I’m not a morning person, I never have been, and I’m so unbelievably irritable this morning. I think it’s the after-effects of last night and dreams filled with horrid memories that left me exhausted and raw inside. I know I must have been crying out in my sleep, I woke several times to Arrick calming me down and pulling me close, stroking my face and telling me he was there.

I want to throat punch everyone this morning, maybe not him, but everyone else. Aggression levels are abnormally high and I feel crazily out of my head and should have stayed in bed.

“Here. Calm down, you have time.” Arrick hands me my shoe, his tone deliberately steady and cool and I hop around trying to get it on. We have barely had a moment to talk this morning. From eyes flying open when I realized I never set an alarm, to falling out of bed into a room that was still spinning. I ended up face down, hanging over the side precariously with the duvet round my ankles, Arrick trying to pull me up from behind while laughing at my hopelessness and not helping in any way.

“I hate you.” I curse at him for no reason other than he’s getting the blame for the state I am in, as he was the one plying me with booze all night, telling me to let go as he would take care of me. I’m never listening to him again, and I really think we need to talk about the amount of alcohol we drink together when we are out. I’m starting to see a distinct flaw in our compatibility when we get that way.

“Sure you do.” He smiles at me with that annoyingly morning brightness of his, a lot less dead than me and, thankfully, all those marks on his face from last night have almost faded away. There are grazes and the odd healing bump, but all the redness is gone. I straighten up and look at him pointedly.

“We shouldn’t drink, we just act like assholes when we do.” I guess this is my way of apologizing to him, without apologizing. And I guess my pathetic way of trying to broach the subject.

Lame Sophie.

“I am more than aware of that. Although the times we have, the first half of the alternative to fighting was pretty good.” Arrick winks cheekily and then sighs and runs a finger along my jaw. He is right, the moments of not freaking out and not fighting had been more than good, and it really makes me want to experience it with him all the more, torn that alcohol is the devil’s work. I mean, he really only ever loses his inhibitions about touching me that way when he has had a few, and I want to know what it’s like to have him make love to me without all the mess that happens around us. Even after last night, I still want that with him.

I wonder If that will ever happen now?

If the first time freaked him out for a month, then I have no idea what last night will do to his head. He is in an ultra-protective mode, gentle and fluffing around me like a mother hen, making me feel a little suffocated today. I know that means that overthinking, over logical brain will put the brakes on anything else for a long time.

“You need to eat.” He points me in the direction of the kitchen, to which I haul my unicorn cookie out of my handbag and wave it at him childishly.

“Sorted.” I grin and see him curb the urge to have a go at me, sighing instead and holding his tongue. I guess last night has some perks, after all, he doesn’t want to upset me this morning and is putting up with tremendous amounts of grumpiness and bad behavior from me.

“If it wasn’t for the fact that you are coming back here at ten, then I would make you eat something else. I’ll make some food as soon as you get back.” He frowns at me and moves to the kitchen while I attempt to get my damp hair in order, no time to dry it from the quick shower I had, and my makeup is all at home. I hadn’t thought about getting ready here when I met him at the bowling alley straight from my apartment. As it is, luckily, I have some clothes here and managed to find something sort of casual to wear with low heeled shoes I left behind his couch. The fact I’m a lazy, messy ass who litters his entire apartment all the time with all my belongings is really a good thing, now that I think of it. The buzzer goes, and I curse at the time once more.

“I need to go, that’s him and we’ll be late if we get caught in traffic.” I grab my bag and coat, push my cookie in my pocket and turn to give Arrick a quick kiss. He catches me by the face and sinks a far dreamier smooch on me that makes everything stop for a full minute. The kind of kiss that makes every stressful feeling melt away, down to your toes, and leaves you a little breathless. He pulls back and rubs his nose against mine gently.

“I love you.” He smiles at me softly, full hazel eyes this morning and looking like my idea of heaven. I go to say it in response, but hesitate; that little inner me holding back, frowning and I bite my lip a little unsurely.

“You’re lame.” I blurt out instead, deflecting stupidly, with a smile and see him break into a smile too.

“So close that time.” He grins, and I roll my eyes to hide how horrible it makes me feel to withhold those three little words from him. Hating that after everything, I still can’t just say it to him, even though I know I do. I wave my bag in the air, in an attempt to kill the awkwardness, I now feel as I run for the elevator without a backward glance.

***

I rest my skull against the cool chrome wall of the elevator and count the seconds it takes to get back upstairs. It feels like I have been gone for days, not an hour and a half. I want to go back to bed and lie down and sleep. My head aches and the last hour was hell on earth as new students pushed and chatted incessantly in the crowded hall. My feet are killing me and my clothes stink of the crappy perfume that Christian was walking around spraying at everyone to make them give him space. No idea where the boy comes up with this stuff. Apparently, spraying piss like scent around you is a good way to make people leave you alone. All it did was give me a migraine.

The elevator pings open just as my eyes are closing and the sudden smell of food makes my mouth water, reminding me that Arry said he would make me food for when I got back. I glance up expecting to see him across in the kitchen happily playing with his pots and pans. Instead, the apartment is eerily silent, scarily dark like he’s shut all the blackout blinds and closed off all light to make it pitch black. I swallow nervously and hesitate before stepping out.

I wander in warily, seeing the fire is on low and illuminating the living room and he’s placed small candles all around the lounge to give off a romantic ambience; which is so not an Arry thing. Walking forward, my eyes start to adjust as I realize there are more candles dotted around the whole apartment, like small fireflies creating a sense of whimsical coziness and appears strangely small. It makes my heart catch in my throat as I take in how pretty it is, and start to focus more to the dullness of the light.

“Arrick?” I call out warily, not sure if I like this darkness, and hoping he is still here and hasn’t left me to wander around like a weirdo. That would be plain odd, a little cruel too if he has just upped and gone out to leave me wandering in the gloom.

“Here, beautiful.” Arrick appears behind me, giving me a small fright, making me jump as my stomach lurches into my throat. I giggle in stupid relief as his hands slide over my shoulders, removing my jacket and kissing me on the neck from behind. He must have been in the dining area around by the window and tucked out of sight. I nosey around and see the table from this angle, nestled behind the wall and it’s all lit up with more candles and place settings for two with what looks like two boxes on the table. He takes my bag and slides it down my body, hands skimming me lightly then pulls my shoes off by lifting one foot at a time. I wrinkle my nose down at him and obey, touched by his cuteness and so glad to get them off. I adore him so much at this moment, my heart is doing a little butterfly dance and relaxing me internally. Fatigue forgotten and replaced with genuine warmth.

“What’s all this for?” I watch him as he straightens out and comes to face me. Kissing me lightly on the mouth, his face lit by the flickering lights nearby and almost unrecognizable with the shadows cast on us, but his very familiar smell is all around me, intoxicatingly so and soothing me in every way.

“My other girlfriend, you better leave, she’s on her way.” He grins, running his thumb over my cheek and I mock sucker punch him in the abdomen with the back of my hand. He flinches slightly, grinning down at me, still gazing at me lovingly.

“Haha.” I reply flatly. He strokes back my hair and kisses me again, this time more seductively, sucking my lip between his and angling so I can’t do anything except surrender as he teases my mouth open a little, cupping my face with large warm hands. Breaking away after sending my body into tingling mush, he rubs his nose against mine softly, eyes still glued on mine and barely a hair’s breadth apart, so his breath fans my lips.

“Sometimes I forget, Sophie, that underneath that very feisty façade, is a girl who needs a special kind of TLC. I take for granted that you love me when really, I should be making you fall in love with me all over again. I forget that you’re not as tough as you make out.” Arrick wrinkles up his nose at the face I’m making; tears stinging my eyes, that he can be this sweet to me, after how I behaved last night. That he has this kind of romance in him, for a guy who seemed like he would always be too cool and emotionally distant to ever pull this card when he was with Tasha. My stomach aches with the sheer overwhelm and my hands start to tremble involuntarily.

“You don’t need to do this.” I sniff softly as tears catch in my throat. Overcome suddenly as this was the last thing I expected when I was in the elevator coming up here and dead on my feet.

“This is exactly what I should have been doing from day one. You’re not that kid anymore, but you’re still as fragile, still as easy to hurt. I forget that kind of stuff when faced with my strong sassy diva, and last night reminded me how much I should be protecting you from everything and everyone, sometimes even me.” Arrick swallows hard, emotion hitting him too as he takes my hand in his, caresses the area under my thumb with his and lifts it between us, nodding towards the dining area and pulls me towards the table.

“Come on. Told you I would feed you. I know that’s the sure-fire way to get into your heart.” He smiles back at me, a little too suave and confident today and a lot more rested than me. I let him lead me to the table and he pulls my usual chair out for me to sit down, the candles illuminating everything clearly over here and I spy the familiar boxes sat in the middle of the table with a sudden gasp as I settle in and let him slide me back in.

“Nancie’s?” I pull the box forward impulsively and rip it open to be hit with the smell of the most amazing breakfast ever. Disbelief hitting me full force and confusion that these could even get here.

“Blueberry and banana waffles with pecan sauce? How did you get them in the city?” I squeal, sticking my finger straight into that heavenly sauce, and right into my mouth with a grin. Sheer delight running over me and toes curling from that purely divine taste. Arrick has walked around and slid into his seat facing me, pulling his own box towards him.

“I made Jake fly them with him as he was coming to the city anyway, we may need to heat them up, but I got you a shake too.” He smiles at me with unconcealed adoration. “I figured I owed you more than a sorry for last night.” He stands up and leans over the table, avoiding a burning candle, to kiss me on the mouth, looking mighty pleased with himself. Everything seems to swarm at me so suddenly, hitting me with a ten-ton weight of emotion that he really did this for me. Even after last night, after how I reacted and what I did. That he loves me this much.

I break into a sob immediately, unable to contain the sudden rush of emotion at the unexpectedness of it and the heartache hitting me hard, that sometimes I don’t deserve him in any way, shape or form.

“Baby, what is it?” He quickly slides his seat out and comes around the table to kneel beside me, hauling me against him, smoothing back my hair and cradling my face against his throat instantly. I can barely breathe for the gasping cries that have overcome me, hurting my soul and twisting me up inside.

“Don’t ever leave me. Don’t go backwards.” I cry uncontrollably, through howling sobs. Heart shattering, insecurity at an all-time high from everything, tiredness, hangovers. I just feel utterly emotional.

“Mimmo, I’m never going anywhere unless it’s with you. Is this because of last night? I love you more than life, how many times do I need to say it to you. You are all I want. I won’t ever leave you.” Arrick leans me against him, sliding arms around my shoulders and kissing me on the temple, cradling me and rocking me gently. His tone soft and soothing, reminding me of how many times he has held me this way to calm my upset, soothe fears or give me support, and yet all my brain focuses on is the one time in my life that he didn’t.

“You did though, you did leave me. After you said you wouldn’t.” I whimper uncontrollably, tired, unstable and clearly having some sort of hormonal breakdown based on an unexpected romantic overload from the sweetest boyfriend in the world. Technically, this is all his fault for knocking the wind out of my sails with this surprise.

I hate that my insecure scars from before are ruining it right now. Tears blur my vision and break my heart. Arrick catches my face with a hand on each side, molding my cheeks and pulls me to him so I can’t turn away, bringing my forehead to his in the flickering light so that I can make out his eyes on mine.

“I regret that every day, Sophie, even now, because those three months of not being with you killed me. They ripped me apart in every way imaginable, like a constant agony I couldn’t fix. I know I left you alone, baby. I wish I could undo all of it and go back to the beginning and always go with my heart and fuck my head. I hate that I did that to you, that I did this to you, but you have always had me. I would walk to the ends of the earth for you, Sophie, you have to see that. I always would have.” Arrick’s eyes glaze with moisture too, his voice breaking at the sheer intensity of his words, I don’t doubt the regret. I don’t doubt that he really does love me, yet this constant fear that it’s a dream, that his heart is still torn, it lingers like a gnawing knot inside of me every day.

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” I sob into his arms, curling myself into him, burying my face against his throat and breathing in the very smell of him; willing him to take it all away. To help me understand why I do feel this way and what’s wrong with me.

“It takes time to forgive someone for hurting you. Especially hurting you the way I did. I know what I’ve done, and I understand that it affects how you feel about us.” Arrick sits up and brings my face to his. Kissing me softly again and brushing my hair back.

“I’m trying.” I mumble ashamedly, as though I am somehow failing him for feeling this way. Know I am. He does everything in his power to make me feel loved and cherished, even when it goes against who he used to be. I’ve never seen Arrick as demonstrative and publicly affectionate with anyone at all like the way he is with me. Not even his own family.

“It’s not up to you to forgive me, baby, it’s up to me to earn it … no matter how long that takes. Come on, leave this for now. I think you need to unwind a little bit, you’re tired and emotional and maybe need to have a little breathing space to get your head together, you have barely had a minute since you woke up.” Arrick pulls me to my feet and pulls me with him towards the bedroom, guiding me surely, through the darkness, making sure I don’t trip on anything as we make our way through the enchanted room.

He’s right, I’m emotional and tired and feel crazily strung out after last night. I love that he can always read me, but at the same time, it only makes me worse knowing he can sense that somewhere inside of me I still doubt him, still can’t fully let myself go yet.

He leads me into his bedroom which is illuminated in a soft glow from lights coming from the open bathroom door. I make a little sobbing noise as I take in his bathroom, sparkling with candles and a full hot bubble bath, all ready for me to climb into. He has the jacuzzi function turned on in the tub to keep it hot and bubbling, and little flower petals are floating around on top giving a sweet aroma to the room. The bathroom smells like my favorite bath bomb and the boxes on the counter with the branded names tell me that’s what it is. He’s been a very busy boy for someone who only had an hour and half of my absence and all I can do is gawp like a dumbfounded freak, wondering when and how he planned all this.

“Arry.” I say breathily, grabbing his hand and squeezing it, so in awe of all this and completely blown away. I notice the glass sat by the side, already for whatever I want to pour into it and the book I have been reading sat on a shelf over the tub. He anticipated my needs and set it all up and I literally can’t stop the wave of heartfelt tears that hit me again.

“You’re my Princess. It’s about time I started showing you that.” He picks up my hand and kisses my fingertips so tenderly, gazing at me with unconcealed love and smiling softly before planting another kiss on my mouth and lingering for a second to savor it. Letting me go and making a move as though to leave.

“Where are you going?” I stop him with a hand on his arm and he smiles at me again.

“I didn’t set this up to pressure you into anything, I’m leaving you to relax for as long as you need.” He kisses me on the forehead and goes to move again, but I don’t let him. The intimacy of this scene, the romantic way he’s being, just fuels my need to have more of him. If his touch can eradicate heartache, then what would full possession of me do? If I let him take me in every way possible. His touch holds the key to saving me from myself in so many ways.

“Who’s going to give me a shoulder massage and wash the bits I can’t reach?” I flutter lashes at him shyly. Not really wanting him to go elsewhere and leave me with my thoughts, he is the one who makes the doubts go silent. I don’t need time to myself, I need more time with him around me, holding me tight and making all of this okay again.

“I guess I can hang around and do that.” He grins at me. Moving back to stand in front of me and slides a hand on my hip with a look of mischievous happiness. Every part of me is aching for him now, heart a little less fragile and a part of me that knows I need more from him than what I have been getting, is in the forefront of my mind.

“Probably make more sense, you know, if you maybe took this off and got in too?” I shrug quietly, tugging at his T-shirt while watching the way his eyes home in on my mouth. The air around us starting to charge even if this was innocent a moment ago, but I know what I’m asking for. My head may be messy and emotionally stupid, but my body is already aching for something he started and never finished, even though it ended badly.

I still have the memory of how the good bits felt and I want to explore more of that. I want to know if his joining to me in more ways than touch can maybe end the constant ache of something missing inside of me. Cure me of these insecurities which keep ripping us apart.