Chapter 127

“Why did you never tell me.” I implore him, trying so hard to not fall to pieces knowing he’s carried this with him these last years, always had me on his body, etched over his heart. It’s so painfully beautiful.

Arrick gets up and comes around to beside me, kneeling on the floor so he can turn my face to his with a hand under my chin, wiping my tears with his fingers.

“It was for me… I didn’t want you to look at it and remember what it stood for.” He has tears in his eyes too. The momentous weight of this little thing isn’t lost on me at all. Hitting me like a freight train that he has always loved me, meaning he had never really been able to love her at all. I couldn’t see it any clearer than I do right now and it’s literally twisting my heart to shreds. Happy shreds, painfully but good. Crying even though it’s not out of sadness.

“You loved me… Even then?” I sniff to try and curb some of the tears, voice a little rough but he only smiles through his own.

“I did. Deep down I have always known, Sophs… I couldn’t face it, I was scared. I had so much to lose by going down this route. You… I had you to lose, and I figured that if I pushed it all down deep and ignored it then I could keep you the way I had you. Safe and straightforward, no chance of fucking it up.” He pulls me from my seat and onto his lap, so I can straddle him and curl myself around him, nose to nose, unable to stop the tidal wave of emotion that’s overcome me.

“Were you scared when you chose to stay with her and made me go?” I lock eyes on his, holding myself together a little more and needing to understand that night. Needing to know so I can let it go. He wounded me when he made that choice and I so badly need to understand the why.

“I was…. I don’t deal well with emotional mess. Drama. I felt like my head was going to explode with all the shit that hit me that night. I did what I do best…. I reversed, locked it all up safe and tried to put everyone back in their pigeonholes so we could go on and not have to face any of it.” Arrick’s instantly remorseful, tightening his arms around me and pulling me in closer as though he wants to squeeze it all away.

“You never thought it was pushing me to leave? Ending us?” I look down between us, heart aching so much with a conversation we should have had properly a while ago. I have never wanted to address these wounds after that first night.

“I thought you needed me in your life, enough to get past it. I didn’t think forward to the after, Sophie, just how to throw a Band-Aid on everything. A quick fix.” He presses his forehead to mine, his breath on my face, but I can’t look at him while talking about something still so raw to me.

“You hurt me…More than I ever let you see. You made me feel like I didn’t mean anything anymore.” My voice breaks, waivers, and I sniff hard to stay in control. He kisses my forehead and new wetness against my skin, knowing he has tears too.

“I know baby. I hate myself for doing that to you, for throwing away everything you do mean to me. I know how it looked, what it must have done. I can’t stop hating myself for that, Sophs. I thought I was doing right by everyone and that I would have time to try and salvage something of us. I thought I loved her, but she was just a safety net, a way to hide from what I really felt……. I was terrified of facing that more than anything. Acknowledging this.” He sounds so broken up, so painfully honest, it fuels more of my tears as I cling to him.

“So, what changed? Why are you not scared now? When did it all become so clear in the time you stayed with her?” I implore him, finally meeting his face and seeing pain mirrored in moisture filled eyes, making me ache so much more. Strangely calming though, and I watch his face, his gentle expression.

“I lost you……. It was the end of the world for me. I was trying so hard to fix something that I didn’t even care about fixing, watching myself as though from above and feeling like everything was empty. I thought it would get easier and then I don’t know…. It hit me one day that I couldn’t do it anymore, everything was different and I was barely functioning.” He swallows hard, pierces me with such intensity and wipes more stray tears from my face. “I was here, alone, waiting on her to come, so we could go for food…. I was channel surfing to find something to watch to pass the time, so my head wouldn’t be left to stray or think, and that dumb film about Unicorns that you love so much, came on screen. I remember sitting down and breaking to pieces, like something hit me in the gut so hard, missing you so much that I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was having a heart attack; it hurt so much. I wanted to call you… so badly. I tried, and I got that beep tone because you cut my cell from being able to call you. I stared at it for God knows how long, dying inside, not sure what else to do because I waited too long and kept telling myself to give you time. Then Natasha walked in and I guess my face said it all.” He scrubs his own face with his palm and kisses me softly on the cheek, rubbing his nose against me for a moment. I’ve at least stopped crying, and I am listening, watching him quietly, feeling a little numb now that I have a little more control, but it still hurts to hear this.

“Is that when you ended things with her? Broke up?” I trace his brow tenderly, wanting so much to understand and forgive him. I need so badly to forgive him for this.

“We were heading that way from day one; she was clinging on and trying to convince me we could move on. It should have been the other way around.” He sighs at me, looking like a guy who feels bad about everything.

“Why didn’t you just come and see me then, I needed you to come and see me.” I lean my forehead back against his, aching and hating him a little as the memory of those months push through. Squeezing his shoulders a little with frustration, that he made me endure that.

“I stood outside your building more than once, not sure what I would say if you came out, too afraid to face you. No clue how I would apologize for everything I ruined between us that night. I finally got up the courage to wait for you, to take whatever you were going to throw at me. Then I saw you and Christian together and I figured the worst thing I had been afraid of had happened, that you met a guy who saw what you were worth and wasn’t about to lose you, wasn’t about to be the idiot I was. I knew I didn’t deserve another chance. That I’d lost you.…. So, I left. Told myself I owed it to you to let you get on with your life and be happy. That I deserved that.” Arrick moves his nose to mine, hands tracing my face as he angles me close as humanly possible. So much translating in a look. My tears have stopped, heart still in pain but knowing now how much he loved me, even then, helps me heal a little.

“I missed you so much. I hated that you didn’t try to call me or see me. You just ceased to exist and left me alone.” I whisper against him brokenly. A new single tear breaking loose despite thinking they were done.

“You were always in my head, believe that. Every second. I missed you so much that I saw you everywhere, baby. In every blonde girl on the street, in every Unicorn stuffed toy I saw on display, every song or movie that reminded me of you; even passing a sundae store. I wanted to see you, to talk to you… But I was afraid to reach out and have you tell me you had fallen for someone else. I didn’t have the strength to hear that, it would have killed me.” He buries his hands in my hair, tenderly holding me close, two hearts laid bare and as painful as this conversation is for both of us, it’s needed. I need to know these things, feel this out and finally let the past go.

“I don’t get how you could love her, if you loved me that much? … How you could think that you loved her if you didn’t? Why you even first thought she was someone you wanted to be with?” I tilt my chin to focus on him steadily, direct in the eye, unsure but ready to hear everything.

“She filled a void I guess; met her at a time I needed more than casual hook ups. I needed to feel like I was taking care of someone after I stopped taking care of you, and she was a sweet vulnerable girl who seemed like she needed me. I felt disconnected, and tired of the single life. I missed the companionship of having you close by …. but at the time I didn’t see it was related. I guess looking back, I tried to replace you with a polar opposite who would not be out of bounds to love.” He frowns; my heart constricting as I try to digest what that even means. So heavy with so much going on inside of me that I am struggling to breathe normally, my hands trembling.

He chose someone who was my complete opposite on purpose because he felt like he wasn’t allowed to have me?

“But we weren’t anything back then and you still had contact with me. You always had me.” I watch him carefully, trying to understand how he could think that’s what he did. Trying to understand what she ever was to him.

“I moved away, I wasn’t getting to see you as much, because of life, school. Work and training made it harder to drop everything to see you and I didn’t even know that’s why I felt so fucked up. I thought I was just tired of dates and random hook ups. I couldn’t see the connection, Sophie, so I couldn’t understand how emotionally invested I was with you. You saw how I reacted when you told me you loved me, I was so far down the path of denial I couldn’t think straight.” He nudges me with his nose and gently kisses the corner of my mouth, stroking my face once more. His voice so low and husky, still sitting in darkness and lit only by candlelight, our food forgotten and this moment so much more intense than I ever imagined it could get.

“You never really loved her the way you thought you did? Why did you choose her then? That’s what I can’t seem to get my head round, if all of this here shows me that you always loved me, then why did you choose to be with her that night in the club?” The tense ache in my tone, the pain in my words. He sighs against me so very sadly, watching me and keeping me wrapped up tight in his lap.

“I grew up watching how much Jake hurt my parents, Sophs, when he went off the rails after my dad’s affair. He made an art form of living impulsively, using women for his own ends, and hurting people in his wake, because he didn’t give a shit about anyone except what he wanted to do. I love my brother, but I didn’t love the pain he caused in those years or the chaos he left in his wake, and I never wanted to be that guy. I didn’t want to be my father either, when he chose sex over my mom, threw away her love for something new and exciting, and I felt like it’s what we were doing. That somehow Natasha would be like hurting my mom, the way my dad did. It’s complicated; Messy, and I don’t even know how to explain. I thought I could fix it, so no one got hurt and I would still be the guy everyone relied on, everyone trusted. I kept telling myself it wasn’t right to be with you that way and I had a world of reasons holding me back…. Fear being the worst. I reacted, didn’t think it through, couldn’t face reality I guess.” We rest our heads together, both lost in our own little mind bubbles in this moment, both thinking through all that’s been said.

“I know that should make me feel better about her. I know all of that should help me sort my head out…. I just ... I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.” I’m frustrated, flailing at whatever my head is trying to formulate and feeling so very tired from all of this.

“I should have seen what we were, and I should have chased you…Regardless of Christian. I hate that I lost that time with you. That I let my head stand in the way of what my heart wanted, more than once.” He kisses me tenderly, capturing my mouth with his, healing so many little wounds this conversation has opened, making me feel cherished with such a simple act. When he breaks away, I regard him warily, a little secret I know I should tell him while we are sharing this kind of truth.

“I saw her, in the bathroom, last night. She spoke to me, kind of.” I look away from him and swallow hard. Feeling compelled to confess, seeing as he is being forthright about everything. And she is obviously the subject right now.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His hand wanders up to play with my hair and I shrug, unsure as to why I felt I couldn’t really. I guess knowing how he gets when I react the way I do. I’m hoping after this conversation I might start to feel differently about her, knowing how long and how deeply he has always cared about me this way, always loved me. Just that thought alone can make my heart soar above the wounds he inflicted on me.

“She was upset and angry and a mess. It wasn’t exactly an enjoyable conversation and I kept thinking that she is me, six months ago. The train wreck drunk girl in a club, dressed to attract any guy that cares and not giving a shit about how she behaves, because she’s in pain. I just kept thinking…I did that to her.” I glance at him, the tears biting my eyes, guilt racking my gut.

“I did. I did it to both of you, without meaning it with either. Where do you think the guilt comes from when it comes to her, Sophs? Knowing that you got the way you did because of me, and now she’s pretty much reliving your last two years. I’ve been trying to help her, dealing with her father’s insurance company over his med bills, trying to get her to calm down and stop being so reckless.” He seems so utterly deflated, that making all my jealousy and stupid doubts about him even more unfounded, the guilt heavy within me.

“Does she call you to come get her…. Like I used to do.” I watch his face steadily, knowing the nights I am with him he has never gone, but I don’t know how many nights that I am not with him that he maybe has. Not that there is many anymore, he is pretty much a constant bed fellow because he likes to cuddle up with me. Regardless, I tense as I watch for his response.

“She called a few times, usually when I’m with you. I tell her to go home, Sophs. I have never gone out and picked her up the way I did with you. I am not that dumb, it would only give her the wrong idea.” Arrick stands up, pulls me with him so he can properly pull me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around my waist, snugly against him so I can lay my head on that strong naked chest and listen to his heartbeat as he golds me tight; his face on top of my head.

“Does she think that if she does, you’ll maybe go back to her?” I squeeze him questioningly, trying so hard to put to bed all the emotions surrounding him still letting her linger.

“I don’t know what’s going on in her head. I’ve told her more than once that we will never go back. That I have already moved on. I think she’s not coping and this will eventually get better as she starts to get over me. I think her dad’s cancer has pushed her to the edge to be honest, and she is not herself right now.” He sounds distraught and as much as I still want to tell him to cut all ties with her, I can’t. Part of me sees the mess of her in my head and feels responsible, part of me looks at how much he feels the guilt of how she is and know it would be worse if I forced him to make her leave us alone. So torn. Selfish and insecure, yet I get it. I know that he loves me now, always did, it should be enough to not care about her in our life anymore.

“I don’t want to talk about her anymore.” I tighten my arms around him, back to pressing my cheek next to delicious skin with its slight scattering of hair. Lost in how he feels. Still exhausted but feeling more human after some food and a lot of honesty. Somehow knowing more about what he felt for me back then helps me let go a little of the hurt I have been harboring.

“Me either… This day is about you… and us. Want to go back to bed, take a nap, watch a movie? ….. Have sex?” He grins cheekily, nudging me coyly, even if there is still a hint of seriousness in his tone. I know that he is still lingering on the things we have said, covering it with attempts to get me back in bed. I love him all the more for it.

“Sounds good to me… Maybe not in that order though.” I nudge him suggestively, bumping into his groin naughtily, equally willing to end this far too intense moment and lighten back up.

“I’m not going to just assume I can have sex on tap now that we crossed that hurdle… But I will keep angling for it anytime you’re up for it. That was too good not to.” He grins and leans in to kiss me hard. Breaking away when we are both breathing a little heavily, angling for sex with a kiss that steamy. I ponder his expression, catching that little tiny hint of tension still there.

“I want you to be normal with me, don’t over think it, or overcompensate… I don’t need handling with kid gloves. I want you to just, you know, seduce me anytime your horny. I want to be like any other girl. I want to be normal too.” I lock him dead in the eye with every ounce of seriousness I can muster, so sure about this little fact. I don’t want him policing his urges and attentions towards me, I want the groping, ass pinching and feeling up Claire and James do to one another. I want him to pick me up caveman style and drag me to bed when we’re in the middle of dinner or a movie. I want to feel like he can’t keep his hands to himself and has to have me at any given time. I think it’s what I need more than anything.

“You’re not like any normal girl though… You’re my girl, special and beautiful and way outclass any girl I have ever known, baby. But. you will maybe regret letting my libido out, I have been behaving myself for far too long and don’t think you should set me loose without boundaries.” He chuckles, running his fingers through my hair before cupping my face and leaning in to kiss me lightly on the lips.

“No boundaries…. I trust you. I’ll tell you No if I don’t want to. I want you to be like you would if I was any other girl you were dating.” Arrick presses his forehead to mine, kisses me again and then lifts me up under the arms so I am the same height as him. He looks at me for a long moment, complete adoration crossing that handsome face before he breaks into the cutest smile, with full dimples on show and melts what’s left of my heart.

“In that case…. I’m getting you naked and showing you exactly what else I can do with my mouth and hands.”