Chapter 144

I walk out of the bathroom, draped in his fluffy robe, free of grime, city smells and chaos. Refreshed by the shower I told him I needed to take alone, and I feel less surreal. I needed some head space to process this stuff, and even though he was reluctant to let me out of his sight, he agreed, as long as I knew he would be charging in if I took too long. I didn’t doubt he would.

He’s sat on the bed when I walk out, backed up against the headboard, his phone in his hand and his knees propped up holding it. He sees me and slides his legs down, leaning over to put his phone on his docking station and motions for me to come to him, with complete exhaustion on that face. I climb up on the bed without hesitation, shimmy into his open arms, curling up beside him to sit up against his chest and snuggle into muscles that fit so perfectly around me.

“Your friend is okay, she’s in the hospital under Alexi’s care. He says not to worry about her anymore.” Arry cuddles me in, kisses the top of my head and I nod, filled with relief and getting some comfort for that at least. I don’t want to talk about her. I just want my day to feel normal, like none of this happened at all.

“You decided to camp on your bed and wait for me?” I ask, blinking up at him with a smile. He looks normal now. like he’s washed his face, calmed down his inner chaos and even his hair. He has fresh clothes on too, and it’s only now I realize that he had been wearing last night’s clothes when I walked in here earlier. Arrick was never the type to fall to pieces and neglect his appearance like that; it reinforces everything I mean to him and I’m hit with that gut aching gnaw of guilt that I could ever doubt that.

“I wanted to be close to you… In case you needed me.” He gazes back seriously and I’m glad to see that he seems more pulled together and back to calm and cool. He is back to being my Arry, stable and chilled, hiding the war of emotions he keeps below the surface and I finally feel more at peace. He’s my stability, my constant level, and when he falls apart then I suddenly don’t know how to be. I never realized before how much I need that side of him to be this way.

“You’re lame.” I sigh and turn my face, so I can snuggle against his heartbeat, listening to its lulling rhythm, so utterly drained. I know there’s a world of stuff we should say to each other and that I should apologize.

“I know, baby…. You make me lame though. I really know how to make a mess of everything when it comes to you. I couldn’t live without you, Sophie.” My heart tugs at the sudden raw way it comes out of his mouth and his eyes narrow a little as he fights back fresh emotions. I sigh heavily, my heart aching with so much between us, closing my eyes, using his steady breathing and heartbeat to keep me grounded and hope all this intensity will float away and leave us back to being how we were, before any of last night or this morning happened. I want to forget all of it.

“I’m sorry about last night. About how I acted, the things I said.” there’s that familiar tug in my throat, the inability to talk about this without getting close to tears. All I did in the car coming here, was think about how stupid I was, how horribly I acted and how wrong I was to lay hands on him.

Hitting him isn’t okay, it’s never okay and I wonder if I need to go back to my counsellor to readdress the anger issues. The impulsive need in me to lash out when pain is inflicted upon me. The aggressive side to me that I have little control over.

“Don’t, Sophs …. Look at me.” Arrick sits up and helps maneuver me to sit up too, so we’re face to face as he strokes my cheek, brushing back my damp hair and focusing his eyes on mine. “You have nothing to be sorry for, baby… I did all of that. I made last night happen. It was all my fault, all of it, even the way you blew up and went off the charts.” He leans in and kisses my forehead softly, strokes my face and pulls back to rest against my head, regarding me with a pained expression.

“You didn’t make me act like a prized jealous bitch, Arrick.” I look away, but he tilts my face back by the chin. Not letting me away and tightening his arm around my shoulders.

“Yes, I did! … This is all I thought about when I was walking the streets of New York trying to find you. I came back, Sophs, got to my apartment and thought, ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ I realized that I left you, after telling you a million times I never would, and hightailed right back to you, baby. I ran all the way, because I knew I was wasting time looking for a cab, feeling like the biggest asshole going and knowing I was just fucking things up more than I have already. Losing you all over again.” He narrows his eyes, furrows his brows and nudges his nose a little closer, wanting me close enough to feel against his entire face. His husky tone betrays how close to breaking he is, and it only fuels the deep welt inside of me and urges my eyes to mist up.

“You haven’t been fucking things up, I have. By being insecure, jealous, and stupid whenever she calls you.” I answer softly, full of regret and hating that is how we even got here. If I hadn’t acted that way then he would have told me about Miami, while he was still there. He would have kept me dancing after arguing with Miranda and then we would have gone home together and snuggled up in bed and none of this morning would have happened at all.

“No, stop that and listen to me.…. This is me, all on me, I see that now…I should have cut ties from day one of being with you, I should have told you about Miami as soon as she showed up. I was wrong and didn’t put myself in your head. I kept thinking doing the right thing was how to play it and all I was doing was making it harder for you to trust me again. I’ll never keep anything from you again, I swear. I need to stop putting my own stupid ideas over what you need from me, stop thinking about how it makes me look and start realizing it hurts you. All of this is because of me, last night was the climax to you holding it all in for weeks. I know you, you’re not irrational and jealous with other women I know… Just her. It should have been a neon sign that I needed to do a better job at making you feel loved and secure, Sophie.” He swallows hard, that tinge of upset and emotion clawing away at him as he sighs heavily against me. So many emotions warring across his face, his eyes have returned to green speckles and flecks that are insanely intense.

“You do make me feel loved, you go above and beyond to make me feel like I’m the center of your world.” I try to defend him against himself, truly adoring him in every way and hating that he’s trying to blame himself for everything. He can’t dismiss the fact I attacked her and him last night. I know I have responsibility in this too, I can’t always blame him for how I behave.

“You are the center of my world. You have no idea. When I couldn’t find you last night, I called Jake freaking out. I didn’t know where you would go, where you would be. I was beyond crazy with so many possibilities and the thought of how many girls get attacked in the city every day, so he flew out to help look. I must have called you twenty times and begged you to answer. I called Christian and Jenny too and no one knew where you were.” He squeezes me a little tighter, lost in memory and distraught at how it felt.

“Seventeen times.” I giggle, tears in my eyes and he smiles too, breaking that heart wrenching expression apart.

“I needed air and time to walk…Clear my head. I put my cell on silent as I really didn’t think you would call or even come back. I didn’t know you were looking for me. I thought you were done.” I answer him honestly, untangling myself from him and managing to sit up properly, overheated from his embrace while in a heavy robe in a very warm apartment. He lets me go but catches my hand and draws it into his, playing with my fingers gently and tracing the marks littered across it.

“That right there! … Not thinking I would, not expecting that I would. It’s proof that I’m not making you feel like you’re all that matters to me. That I’m failing to make you believe that I will always come back for you. No matter what, no matter the fight. I was pissed and drunk, thinking like an asshole…. All it took was walking into this apartment without you and I realized how wrong this all was. I love you…More than I can ever express, because I don’t know how else to say it. Those three words don’t seem to be enough for the level of emotion I have for you. I’ll never stop loving you, no matter how mad we get at each other. You make me better, you complete my life; without you, Sophie, I don’t know how to breathe or just be. I need you more than you will ever know.” The intensity of those soft brown eyes locked on mine take my breath away, tears rolling down my chin with the sheer truth behind them. I can’t deny how much he loves me when he looks at me like this. How much I need him too. He breaks me apart inside in every way.

“I know you love me. I know that sometimes I make it impossible to love me.” I look away from him, so he doesn’t see how ashamed I am for everything I do to him. He tugs at my hand as he gets up on his knees and faces me, sliding down to mirror my upright pose and angles in so he’s back in my face, kissing me softly on the lips.

“No, you don’t. You’re far too easy to love, that’s my downfall. Even when you’re acting out and getting hellcat on me. I love you so much it rips my head apart.” He strokes my cheek and brushes a thumb across my mouth, bringing my eyes back to him. “I text Natasha and told her I’m done with her. To stay away and leave me alone. I saw another side to this whole thing last night, saw a side to her that I never knew existed and it made me realize that I’m hurting you for a girl that isn’t worth the effort. She’s gone, she’s not going to be an issue and I blocked her cell number, so she can’t even respond.” He searches my gaze for a reaction and I’m overwhelmed suddenly. That he would do that for me, even though I never asked him to. Wanted it for so long but knew my reasons were so selfish, yet he’s done it anyway. My eyes fill with tears at the thought that he really is choosing me over her, properly this time.

“Really…. You’re done with her?” I whisper softly, more tears slide over my cheek, he lifts my chin, brushes it away and kisses the path it travelled so very tenderly that it warms my insides.

“Honestly … She can hate me if she wants. I don’t care anymore. I only care about you, and us, our life, and making you happy. I asked Jake to take over the medical details and deal with her directly, told him I don’t want to know anymore, and he agrees. He pointed out how dumb I was to ever keep her involved when I was trying to get you to trust me again. I know I screwed up, Sophie. Last night was a massive lightning bolt to the brain that finally made me see sense… I know this is all on me. I’m going to do so much better, baby, I’m going to try so much harder.” He pulls me onto his lap, not happy with the brief touch he has on me and pulls my legs to wrap around his waist, not even catching a quick perve under my robe as it splays open to reveal naked me underneath.

“You already make me happy. You don’t need to do more. I am happy.” I smile when he leans in and kisses me on the mouth more intently, a deep kiss, parting my lips and making every part of me tingle with the emotion it pulls through me. I can never doubt how he feels when he kisses me like this, it’s so much more than those three little words and it heals so many wounds. Lost in each other for a moment and erasing so many tears and pains that we inflicted one another in the early hours. I completely forgive him for all of that and more. He breaks away, staying close and watching me with unveiled adoration.

“I love you.” He lifts my hand and plays with my fingers in his, eyes flittering down to look at the bruised mess on my hand, gently tracing them with a frown. I know that later we should talk about Camilla, but for now he’s my only focus.

“I love you more.” I respond honestly, without hesitation and his eyes dart back to mine in sudden surprise. Immediate filling of moisture and a slight furrow of the brow. He falters, swallows hard and clears his throat, completely overcome.

“You mean that?” He seems suddenly so much more fragile, younger and I nod, equally welling up at how he’s reacting to something I used to say all the time. Something I always felt for him and hoped he knew I still felt for him.

“I mean it. I always have, even when I didn’t see you anymore. I always will.” I sniff through a smile as tears let loose again and then we’re both nose to nose, equally emotional.

“I never realized how much I needed to hear it until now…. Say it again.” Arrick’s voice breaks as his eyes glaze over and I trace over his lips with my fingertips, loving him so much more than I ever felt possible. Aching to make him feel the way he makes me feel.

“I love you.” I whisper softly as his arms come around me and yanks me tightly to his body, kissing me fiercely and almost crushing the life out of me once more.