Chapter 177

I find Arrick in the garden on his own, sitting on a swing in the shadow of the trees under his childhood treehouse, lost in thought as he picks at grass on the ground underneath him.

He looks crazy young, hanging from the seat to lean down and makes me hate how these past few weeks between us have been. It’s easy to forget all we are to each other when faced with all this bullshit. Watching him now is a reminder of sitting here on summer days and laughing at his lame jokes, a happier time that warms me a little to my core.

I slide into the swing next to him and gaze at him for a moment, and yet even though I can tell he sees me, he doesn’t react. Carries on picking at blades and acting like I’m invisible.

“You giving me the silent treatment now?” I nudge into him by swinging myself over and he frowns and carries on killing grass. The air of petulant boy that’s more expected of his brother than him and for the first time in weeks, he makes me raise a tiny smile at how childish he can be sometimes. A little lifting in my heart of all that has been swirling around, all because Arrick is acting like a teen child instead of my bossy boyfriend. He’s acting like me.

“You tell me… I’m not exactly sure what I should be doing right about now when it comes to you.” His tone is low, gruff, and snappy.

He’s sulking…

My moody boy.

I take a long steady breath; Emma’s words etched into my brain and try to not get instantly defensive with him. I need to be gentle and ask him to lay off for a few days. Make him see it’s what we both need.

“I need a little breathing space and time to let everything sink in, I think. I haven’t really had time to process anything, Arry. I need you to understand it’s not you, it’s not us. I want some alone time for a few days.”

Arry sits up and locks eyes on me, leaning against the chain of the swing so it moves closer to me and watches me intensely.

“You’re not fifteen anymore, Sophs. I’m not some random guy trying to win you over and get past your defense system… This shit, us, we are way beyond all that and pushing me out, locking me out, it’s killing me.” He looks distraught, even if it’s veiled in mild anger.

“I know… I’m sorry, it’s … I don’t know how or why I feel this way, and I can’t even begin to decipher it when we seem to keep fighting with each other. I need a little time to get my head straight.” Trying so hard to keep my tone soft and sincere and my irritation under control. It’s not easy when my emotions are still all over the place and he looks so done with all of this.

“What about me and what I need? Or is this only about your loss, huh?” He snaps. Eyes getting greener by the second and every muscle in his face tightening. His posture rigid and hostile.

“Arry, please.” I plead. My heart sinking that this is heading for another fall out and it wasn’t my intention.

“You want me to leave you here and go back to the city, don’t you? You want miles of space, not just houses apart?” He’s gutted, turning away, but the tensing of that jaw tells me he’s reeling inside. Hurting him because I want him to go away.

I don’t blame him.

“Only for a few days… No one here knows except Emma and Jake, no one will treat me any different or question it. You have some space; I have some space. I can talk to my mom and get myself checked over. Then I come home, and we figure this out.” I am trying so hard to keep my tone level and gentle but it’s not working on him.

If only life was that simple, I know it’s not going to be that easy and I don’t want to feel weighted down by his feelings right now, on top of mine. I know it’s selfish, but I feel like this emptiness is stopping me from even being able to love him right now too. I can’t think beyond myself in this. If I am punishing myself then I have to get a handle on that by myself before I can deal with his feelings.

“Screw this.” Arrick gets up and walks off angrily, wrestling with his own head and stops a few feet away to kick at something in the grass. I stay sat still and watch him for a minute, not sure what else to do really. Holding my breath as anxiety hitches inside of me and start hoping this doesn’t lead to another all-out fight. I have no energy for it at all. He turns to me and walks back.

“Do you still want to marry me? Or is that something else you don’t know how to feel about?” He looks broken so suddenly, pain etched into those eyes my heart breaks a little too.

Oh, Arry.

“This isn’t about that. I love you and I want to marry you… But we aren’t exactly working, are we? I don’t want us to rush into a wedding thinking it will fix this and make it worse. You have to see that right now, Arry… We’re falling apart.” I say it quietly, barely able to look at him while he seems so distraught and stares off into the distance.

“I don’t get what this is… Do you blame me for what happened? Because I left the way I did? I wasn’t there, and I should have been?” He sounds devastated and it adds to the crushing pain in my chest that is building slowly. This is why I keep avoiding him because this is all I feel when we talk.

“No… I blame me for what happened. I blame how much I kept saying I didn’t want it. This isn’t about you, it’s about me and how much I feel like I made this happen. Don’t you get that? … I kept telling it I didn’t want it, resented being stuck there and not getting to choose anything happening in my life anymore. I blamed it for us fighting all the time, feeling trapped and cut off from everyone and all our plans and goals… And you walking out on me in anger… I blame everything on myself for laying all the blame on an innocent baby for everything going to shit. I did this and then when I lost it, I didn’t feel anything that I know I should feel and it’s messing my head up.” The sob escapes my throat out of nowhere and Arrick slides down onto his knees in front of me to catch my hand in his, but I pull away. Abhorring touch while feeling this way.

That fucked up girl who goes to shit over being touched when her body is in emotional angst. Arrick puts his hands down with minimal reaction but I still catch that flicker of hurt flash across his face. As understanding as he is, this still wounds him.

“You didn’t do this, Sophs … Look at me.” he grabs my hand again impulsively, dismissing my reaction thoughtlessly as his brain engages once more and hauls it to him despite my resistance. Tears start to pour down my face like warm rivulets of stinging liquid despite myself and although I’m hugely unemotional, I cannot stop them. He’s always been good at breaking me so easily. “Sometimes… It just happens. Not every baby conceived is meant to make it and we were unlucky to have it happen to us. Don’t let it tear us apart, baby.” Arry pulls me off the swing into his arms and even though I am crying I go rigid in his hold. I don’t feel like being consoled by anyone. He ignores it and still cradles me against him on the grass awkwardly.

“I can’t imagine what you feel, only how I do. I don’t know how to help you in this, but I don’t want to deal with this apart. We’re stronger together, we always have been and making me leave you alone will only make this worse for both of us.” He sounds desperate, but it makes me more stubborn in this. His resistance making that part of me who knew he wouldn’t listen, rile up to defy him.

“I don’t know how to feel, Arry, therefore I don’t know how to deal with your feelings in this. You hurting and being sad is making me feel guilty; it’s a vicious circle. I can’t deal with it, and I can’t deal with how we are around each other for the time being. I think we need to take a real break from each other, no contact.”

It almost kills me as soon as it comes out of my mouth and the look on his face is like a punch in the gut. I know it’s the only way to get him to listen to me. But Is wear his expression reminds me of what slaughtering a puppy would look like.

“A break? No contact? … What are you talking about? … Do you mean a breakup?” He almost chokes on the words and I stare numbly at him, unable to think straight. I want to take it back and explain but he’s already deciphering the meaning in his own way and I babble incoherently to try and correct him.

“Time apart… However, you want to label that. Just some breathing space for both of us, you’re overreacting.” I look away from him as emotion flashes across that perfect face and his arms drop from around me.

“Fuck this shit, Sophie. I’m not leaving you here to go back to the city with no clue as to what we even are anymore… We don’t end like this. We’re not ending.” He has that stubborn tone on, and it riles me even in my heartbreak that all he hears is one point in a mass of sentences. He hears break up and nothing else. Steamrolling over the point and refusing to understand my side.

So fucking typical of him.

“You can’t force me to be with you… I need a break from us… From everything. I want some alone time, is that too much to ask?” I snap as tears dry up and venom spews forth. Caged and backed against a wall, defensive Sophie bites back.

So much for gentle and try as I might, I cannot put hellcat back in her cage. I push away from him and get up to pace around manically. Arrick looks at me as though I have lost my mind and glares in rage.

“You know what? Fuck it… You want me gone, Sophie? … I’m gone. I won’t try and hold onto someone who doesn’t want me. I’m sick to death of being your emotional punching bag in life. Nothing I do is enough anymore. I can’t say or do anything right and I’m sick of trying to appease you, for what? Absolutely fucking nothing! We’re fucking miserable and when we should be pulling together more than ever, you’re telling me you want to break up? Fuck this and fuck you. I’m done!” Arrick yells at me, making me flinch at his raw venom, jumping to his feet and caging around in fighter mode, body bristling. Anger seething from every pore.

I finally made him snap.

I can’t feel anything except rage at him for turning this into another god damn fight, when I was really trying so hard to do this the way Emma said I should. I knew he would react like this; I was right. He’s so pig headed sometimes and blinkered. Nothing I say will change what his head is saying I mean. He’s sensitive and irrational when he gets like this and we need cooling off time. He turns on his heel to walk away and my armor shatters. Like it always does when I truly feel my lifeline leaving me.

“I didn’t say I don’t want you… You’re making more of this than it is. I just need a little alone time to get my shit together and my mind back on track.” It comes out so broken and so vulnerable. My voice shaking as pain rips through my chest. Arrick spins on me accusingly, he looks how I feel, a flash of emotion runs across his face before it’s shuttered off once more. Hiding himself from me and it hurts.

“I used to be all you needed to get through anything. This right here, it tells me that we are in so much trouble and I don’t think you want to fix it. I’m tired of jumping through hoops for you, sick of being pushed out in the cold. I’ll go back to the city… You know where I’ll be if you want me. If I don’t hear from you, then I’ll pack up what’s yours and send it wherever you want to be.” His eyes are misty, his face blank but I know him well enough to know this is killing him too. He’s shutting me out, closing down and I try not to let it show. I lift my chin higher and swallow down the devastation chaotically crashing around inside of me.

“Stop it.” I plead, but he’s wrapped up in his own brain and doing what he always does, not listening.

“Stop what? Reacting to you telling me to go away?” he throws his palms up, blinkered and furious.

“Arrick? You’re overreacting and being dramatic!” This is pointless, I don’t know what else to say that won’t keep this going around in circles. He’s pacing around angrily, head in stubborn mode and all normal understanding sensible Arry has floated away on the wind. I know it’s because he’s hurting too but I’m so overwhelmed with this version of him.

I don’t want a breakup, but maybe it’s better this way. If he thinks we’re done, he’ll give me space to think without pressure and then I can go back and fix things with him when I’m ready. I can turn it around in a few days, go home and talk to him when he has calmed down. I know him, this won’t be how he thinks for long, he needs breathing space to be rational and look at the bigger picture for what this really is. He will realize we both needed time out and we will be fine. We’re always fine.

I open my mouth to say something and hesitate, keeping quiet because I don’t know what else to do. His eyes scan my face for a moment before his brow dips in a furious frown.

“Whatever.” He throws a moody shrug and turns on his heel. That air of ‘I’m out’ that Arry is good at when we fight.

I watch him walk off, holding myself together and breaking inside. Aching to cry but I don’t. I add it to the eternal black hole inside of me and push it down amid all the pain. Letting him go, feeling heavier than ever but knowing this is what I need for a couple of days. Back on home soil, surrounded by familiar. I need to get my bearings once more.