Chapter 192
“Don’t be nervous. We will soon see what’s what.” My mom pats my hand as she leads the way into her clinic and turns on all the lights quickly. Illuminating the empty building with a ‘blink, blink’ of strip lighting that hurts my eyes. I can’t speak, so numb with shock, not sure how to feel and Arrick is being equally silent.
He went and got her for me. After the tests, as we didn’t know what else to feel or think and she came right away. It was surreal and hard to tell her everything, but he did most of the talking as I kept staring at all three identical tests and kept asking myself how. She was upset that I never told her, that I never got checked out by her when I was staying here but she put her doctor hat on and went to fetch her keys for her clinic and brought us down here in a cab. She runs her own practice and as key holder she had no qualms about doing this tonight. None of us would sleep otherwise.
It’s almost two a.m. I feel like the walking dead and if it weren’t for Arrick holding me up with hands on my waist as he guides me into the sterile room, they use for doing sonograms, I think I would have fallen over. This is like some weird dream and I desperately need to wake up.
I’m sick with tension, body cold and shivering even though he put his jacket on me and neither of us have really said or reacted since my mom was brought into this. It’s like we are both relying on her to take control and everyone is eerily calm.
“You still haven’t said if you think the tests could be right.” Arrick’s voice breaks and I close my eyes and sag against him with complete fatigue and overwhelm as my mom moves around switching on machines.
“And I won’t until I can see exactly what is going on. I think you have both been through enough and there is no point speculating until I check a few things out.”
“Does it have to go inside of me.” I blurt out meekly, tears biting my eyes as I blink them open at her. Some internal old fear about anything other than Arrick touching me down there and she looks instantly sobered. Obviously realizing why I ask.
“No. Not if we don’t need to. I think the sonogram on your stomach, like a sort of x-ray for the womb, will be enough for tonight.” She is trying to reassure me and even though I trust her, I don’t think I can handle it. Arrick wraps me in his arms and pushes his cheek down next to mine.
“It’s okay.” It’s all he says but the sound of his strong voice and calm tone stills the fluttering nerves. Holding me tight, being my rock. I want to cry but I can’t. It’s like everything is paused in time and nothing is real.
“Hop on the bed and lay down. I need you to lift your dress up to under your bust.” My mom points to a leather couch thing in the center of the room and I move obediently. Arrick pulls paper roll across it first and then helps me get up and maneuvers my dress and jacket to do as she asked. He keeps looking at me and brushing his fingers across my face as though trying to keep me sane. I know I must look shocked. Pale skinned and wide eyed and I really feel like I’ve been hit by a train. He’s being the sane one. Calm, cool, and strong, like Arry of old when I am in crisis. It’s weird how we can flit back and forth this way. It was only a half hour ago I was trying to be his support.
“Whatever happens. Whatever the outcome. I love you and I’m right here.” He leans in and kisses me gently and I can’t help the little sob that escapes me. Scared of what we might find.
“Just takes a few minutes to get everything up and running and all the software ready. Bear with me.” My mom throws us a loving look and I watch her move around gathering things on a little table on wheels and stops to wash her hands. She looks at home in this place and it’s the first time I have ever came here to see her in her role as a doctor.
Her normal client list is mostly children, she excels in pediatrics but chose to be a family practitioner in a small clinic near home, so she could stay close and raise her kids. My mom qualified as a surgeon a long time ago but didn’t stick with that as her specialty. She is her happiest when dealing with people face to face on a daily and building trust. Something that carried on in her home life with her broken kids.
Arrick is lost in his own head, holding my hand, and watching her quietly. I know he’s probably turning over a million thoughts behind that calm exterior and I stare at him, squeezing his fingers until something hard imprints on my hand and I glance down to see it’s his wedding ring I am making dig into my palm. The new gold metal that signifies so much.
It’s almost like I had forgotten what today has been, now this is all that is consuming me, and I start to cry. Opening a well of bottled up emotion since we left the house.
“Baby, Don’t.” He leans in and cuddles me tight, awkwardly seeing as I am laying on a weird bed, but he half pulls me up and wraps himself around me as much as he can.
“I’m sorry, it’s ... this isn’t how I imagined our wedding day would end.” I blub into his neck and he squeezes me tighter. Kissing my temple and breathing against me as he nuzzles me close. Surrounding me with the smell of him.
“Wouldn’t be us if everything went according to plan though would it?” He says half lightheartedly and then pulls back and nods that my mom is standing waiting with a bottle of jelly like fluid in in her hand.
***
We both stare at the image on scream in complete disbelief and I can’t get my head round it at all. Even though it’s right there plain as day and I can see it. Nothing she is saying s filtering into my skull except complete disbelief.
“Six weeks on the button.” My mom says and pushes the hard-plastic tool on my abdomen around a bit more for a new angle. She’s engrossed in her screen and sounds professional and detached and I honestly don’t believe any of this.
“How?” I blink again and stare at what looks like a little bean with a pulsing spot on a black fuzzy image that makes no sense.
“Twins most likely… You only lost one, but one is still a viable pregnancy.” She smiles through glazed eyes at me and goes back to looking at the screen, clicking the keyboard to make measurements and pull-down menus. Double checking and doing whatever she needs to do.
“How is that possible?” I blanche again, still having a hard time believing any of this is real, but Arrick is still gripping my hand tightly and cuts in.
“Twins run in my family. It’s not unlikely, Sophs. My dad’s a twin, I have several cousins who are, like Alexi and Gino. I was a twin too.” Arrick blinks at the screen and I double take him with a frown. Gob smacked at this statement that just came out of his mouth.
“What?” I swear he has never told me that before and if he was… Where is it? This is news to me. I can’t imagine there ever being two of him at all. I can’t get my head around him only being one half of a pregnancy. Arrick is my whole everything.
“My mom doesn’t think I know, but my dad told me. It died when she was pregnant, like ours did. I never even thought that we could…” He looks momentarily saddened but then goes back to staring fixedly on the monitor, although I see him well up as he looks at the little thing on the screen once more. I reach up and touch his face, but he catches my fingers and kisses them with a smile. He’s saying he’s okay about it, a long-ago healed scar about his own twin but I know he’s thinking of what we lost too. Watching one that is still here, brings back the one that is not.
“How can one live though? How did it manage to survive without the other one in there?” I turn back to my mom, unable to let this sink in fully and not really getting any easier at seeing something on that screen. I feel so detached, like this is all some elaborate joke and I am not getting the punchline.
“Non-identical twins are basically two pregnancies in one womb. You can lose one and the other lives. If they were identical like Gino and Alexi then you would have lost both, as they share a sac. Arrick was non-identical too, Sylvana carried it to around two months. Some babies are not strong enough and nature intervenes.” My mom pats my abdomen gently, a look of sadness on her face for her closest friend and gives one last push around before stopping to show me.
“There you go. One little six-week-old with a very strong heartbeat and a good healthy womb.” She scoots her stool back to give us an uninterrupted view and I stare at the black and white image as it moves in and out with my own breathing. The tiny bean has a little pulsing beat at the top and Arrick moves closer to the screen to really stare at it. Letting me go so he can maneuver almost nose to screen.
“That’s our baby, right there?” He points in the middle of the image at the little white oblong nestled in what looks like a dark cavern and my Mom nods at him, patting him on the shoulder. He seems so young in this moment.
“Sure is, daddy. You have another thirty-four weeks roughly to get used to the idea that your duo is about to become a trio.” My mom gets up and gives him a hug, kissing him on the cheek and I sit for a moment and let it filter in. Eyes locked on screen and then I stare down at my abdomen very slowly. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings overwhelm me. Happiness, sadness, fear, excitement. Confusion about how I should feel, what it’s right to feel.
“It doesn’t replace it.” I blurt out and tears spring forth, heart aching that I should feel happy for a moment and forget it ever existed. Guilt overwhelming me and shocked that I should have this kind of a response.
How could I do that?
“Hey, hey.” Arrick is by my side in a heartbeat and lifts me off the bed to hold me up and cuddle me close. Pressing my face to his solid chest. “No one’s asking you to replace it, Sophs. It’s okay to feel happy and sad at the same time. This doesn’t mean we forget the one we lost.” He looks upset too, eyes glazed like my moms and I cradle his face with my fingers, so I can pull his chin down to touch his nose with mine.
“I don’t want to forget it. It was real too.” I croak, head swimming with conflict. Stupidly upset when I should be happy; this is what I wanted. Arrick regards me for a few seconds and then presses his forehead to mine.
“Nothing can replace it, ever. We will heal and will have this baby, but it doesn’t mean that we are replacing or forgetting. It’s okay to be happy and excited right now. No one is judging you for this… I mean, I’m doing somersaults inside right now. I can’t even tell you how crazy happy I am, but It still hurts too.” He kisses me and lets me slide to my feet, so I can get the gel wiped from my stomach. My mom rubbing me with paper towels, and he helps me pull my dress back down while still holding on to me. Still keeping me close as I cry silent tears and wipe them on his jacket sleeve. I blow out a long breath and fall against him, exhausted and aching to lay down. My mom looks over my disheveled form and strokes my cheek.
“Okay. I think we all need to go home and sleep. Get some rest, let it all sink in and we can come back in a day or two and make this more thorough. Sort out what happens next and have a good chat.” My mom is back in doctor mode and kisses me on the forehead before giving me a squeeze too. Knowing I need to go home and let it all process. It’s too much to take in after the day we had, like I am having an outer body experience.
“When will I stop feeling sick?” I ask her as I wrap my arms around Arricks bulky rib cage and let him cradle me in. He pulls the jacket around me snugly to keep me warm and rests his chin on top of my head.
“Depends on the woman. Some by twelve weeks, some take longer. I’ll give you print outs on tips to help in the morning, but overall, you need to rest, eat well and take it easy. We will keep tabs on you.”
I nod at her and feel Arrick press a kiss on top of my head.
“That goes without saying.” He agrees, and I close my eyes against his heartbeat and try like crazy to let all of this become real.
“We will take the very best care of you. Everything is going to be just fine.” My mom leans up and strokes first mine and then Arricks cheek affectionally and nods towards the door to get us going.
