Chapter 96

“I’ll hold you to that.” I sigh dejectedly and carry on walking, looking ahead so I don’t have to see him studying my expression. My heart calming to its previous steady beat, although I can’t dislodge how good he looked from my mind’s eye, or how he sounded, how he smelt. Nothing about him has changed, and there isn’t anything about him that doesn’t get to me on every level, even now.

“So, do I continue to be your sexy man at this thing?” Christian eyes me seriously but I sigh and shake my head at him in defeat.

“My parents would only be confused; they already met you and know that we are clearly not compatible that way. You told my mom about your man troubles, and I have never lied to him, even if we no longer see each other. I don’t want dishonesty between us.” I turn away from his knowing eyebrow wiggle and that cheeky grin plastered across that handsome face.

“You still have it so bad. You could have had fun with this and tortured him a little.” Christian giggles, but I sigh sadly.

“He chose Natasha; she may even be there, so I don’t see how your acting like my boyfriend, will make a difference.” I tuck my chin down to hide the fact my eyes are misting up with this topic, hating that even after three whole months, he still gets me upset. That her name still hurts me like being stabbed in the chest with a dull knife.

“Well maybe you should ask Joey to go with us, that guy has been mooning over you for weeks and you won’t even go out for a coffee with him.” Christian stops to face me on the sidewalk abruptly, hauling me to him with a devilish air to his tone. Joey is the guy who lives two doors along my hall, he’s asked me out a dozen times, but I only ever find excuses to turn him down. He seems nice enough, tall and dark-haired with grey-blue eyes. I would have seen no problem with dating him months back, but he isn’t Arrick, and my heart is struggling to get past that fact.

“I’m not ready.” I sigh, looking at my feet and admiring my pink flats with cute sequin details in a bid to distract my aching heart and wandering mind from tall handsome Carrero men.

“I don’t think you will ever be ready; you just need to give him a chance. Grab a coffee, keep it casual. You have nothing to lose.” Christian is in bossy mode, eyeing me up with his no-nonsense attitude. He has an idea in his head, and like a dog with a bone, he isn’t about to let it go.

“I don’t know, Chris.” I pull him forward as a group of rowdy boys try to slide by on the sidewalk, one of them eyes Christian up with a double glance and blushes as he moves on.

“Nothing to lose, except maybe your heart.” He winks happily, oblivious to the passing “hotty” and I eye roll, knowing it’s unlikely anytime soon. To lose your heart you need to have gotten it back first, so that it can let someone else have it, and mine is still most definitely in the tightly gripped hands of one sandy-haired, hazel-eyed, heartbreaker of a Carrero.

“No Christian.” I haul out the sexy dress from my case for the third time and throw it back on the bed. He borrowed it from a senior, after a runway show they put on days ago, and I am not impressed with his choice of dress for me at my sister’s party.

“He will literally have his eyes pop out of his head if you wear this.” He smirks, holding up a scrap of cloth and sashaying around my bedroom like a movie star, molding it against him.

“I think most of me will be popping out in this. He’s seen me in various forms of skimpy clothing, and trust me, it does nothing for him. I know him, Chris, this will just make him think I’ve gone back to slumming it with sleazy men and backstreet nightclubs. Not that I even care about making an impression on him, so really, it’s not needed.” I swipe the dress from him and throw it away, over the bed this time. Glaring sternly, trying to make him stop interfering.

Ever since he met him, he has not stop tried to goad me into playground tactics and far-flung ideas on Arrick being jealous or heartbroken without me. If any of that were true, he would have contacted me in the last few days, and he hasn’t.

Or in the last three months!

“Of course, you don’t, that’s why you have spent the last two days obsessively trying on dresses and makeup looks for a seemingly innocent family gathering.” He smirks at me with a knowing brow lift and a sassy twinkle in his eye and my temper bites.

“Fuck off.” I wave him away as he comes to start snooping in my case again, infuriatingly. “Don’t you have a boyfriend you should be kissing goodbye right now? Jake has the car picking us up in an hour for the flight home.” I shove him away by the face as he starts messing with my lace lingerie in the open bag. Christian sighs and throws himself on the bed dramatically, adopting the Hollywood pose of distraught heroine with a palm on his forehead while making loud, weird noises that I’m sure are meant to represent misery.

“I already gave him the customary kiss and fuck, he’s off playing straight tonight while he meets his father in the city.” His boyfriend’s double life is a huge sore point in Christian’s and James’s relationship. Christian figures that all parents are as easy as his when it comes to announcing one’s sexuality and cannot empathies at all for anything different.

“Well go pick up Jenny, she should have been here by now, So we can all have a little chill-out drink before I need to get on a plane with you know who.” Jake sprung it on me less than an hour ago that Arrick and Nathan will be joining us on the flight home to the Hamptons. Something Arrick rarely did was fly, and I don’t know how to feel about this. Jake’s been at the office sorting issues out, despite taking a break to help Emma with their new baby and is adamant we all go back together tonight, as one big happy family.

Clearly deluded and can’t see past his own brother’s ass.

The party is tomorrow night, but that means my family get to spend some time with me beforehand, and I can introduce my two best friends to everyone properly. Christian met my parents when they came to the city for dinner with me and my mother loved him. Pretty sure she missed all his gay hints until he confessed his boyfriend problems to her and broke her heart for any wedding plans she had brewing in her head.

“The shift dress.” He points out the neatly folded item on my vanity, the dress I haven’t worn since Natasha got red wine stains out of it. It reminds me too much of them both and it’s sat there for weeks, unsure what to do with it. You don’t just toss Louis Vuitton away, even if the thought of ever wearing it again makes me want to cut my own heart out with a spoon.

“For the flight.” He winks at me with that irritating as shit, know it all look that is now becoming the thing I hate most about him.

“You always look super sexy in an understated way, in classic shift dresses, especially with those heels with the ankle straps.” I gaze down at the skinny jeans and tank I was thinking of keeping on for comfort but realize he is on to something. I’ll have to endure Arrick for an hour minimum, and maybe it won’t hurt to look good while flying home and pretending to be over him. He sure as hell didn’t seem that broken up over losing me when we saw him that day in the restaurant.

I chew on my lip thoughtfully, pushing the memories of him away, like I’ve done tens of thousands of times since that day and ignore the brewing storm inside of me.

Do not let him get to you. He doesn’t deserve your pain.

“You know I’m right. Go get your face on and fluff out your hair, while I chase up our girly. Won’t be long sexy.” Christian slaps my ass as he walks by and leaves in a cloud of designer aftershave that’s too sexy for words. I need to ask him what he wears, as it’s seriously alluring, like a little trail of oomph wherever he goes. It reminds me of Arrick’s own scent, but I don’t even want to make that connection, shaking the thoughts away again.

I regard the dress on the vanity and frown, knowing I don’t owe it to Arrick to dress up and look pretty, but a part of me wants to. To show him that I’ve gone on with my life without him in it. That I kept my shit together and am doing okay for myself without him.

I don’t need him.

Dressed in jeans and a tee I look relaxed, but also way too casual, and I want to show him that I am more than I was when he rejected me from his life. That I am worth more than what he chose over me. I need to feel like I had a lucky escape, not focus on everything he used to be, everything he was to me.

My apartment around me is my pride and joy and the homeliest comforting space I have ever known, I have real friends around me who really care, and don’t use me as a means to an end for my money. My family and I are mending bridges and there is a new-found trust in me, because they seem to know that this is different and giving me gentle breathing space to find my way. Sticking with school and doing well for myself, excelling at the top of my class. I have everything to be proud of.

These past few weeks I’ve learned enough of the basics of sewing and designing to kit out my own sewing room and spend all my spare time in there, sewing beautiful simple things and binge-watching tutorials. I’m enjoying every second of being creative and fashioning things for myself, designing my own wardrobe. An eclectic collection of styles and eras as I have been fully opened to the fashion world and the vast number of talent around me. I have purpose and meaning in my life that was lacking before, and I feel like I am finally on a path to something happier. I have nothing to hide from him.

I move to my wardrobe and decide on a compromise to what Christian thinks I should wear. A floaty summer dress that is modest, yet cute, and a little short and flirty, paired with sandals and a cardigan. I won’t look obviously overdressed, but feminine and young like I used to. Hair loose in its longer bob and my now trademark natural make up. I need to show Arrick how much better I am alone and that I don’t need him anymore. How much more settled in my old skin I am.

Half an hour later I am ready, as my duo of sidekicks walk back in. Christian whistles, handsome in chinos, white shirt, and loafers. Jenny is in a long jersey dress with shorts sleeves and leggings and looking curvy for once, equally cute with her soft features and gentle smile.

I love these two to death and they complete a part of me that would be struggling so much worse if I didn’t have them. They are the only reason I’ve been able to stay strong and not cave, keeping me occupied and being my strength when I waiver. Without them, I would have called him a million times in the past weeks. Within the first month.

“You look really pretty Sophie.” Jenny beams at me, dragging her weekend case behind her and propping it against the two cases we already put by the door. All ready for the dreaded two days home with him.

“Some Dutch courage for the road?” Christian lifts a bottle of Prosecco from his shoulder bag, smiling as we both nod in unison. Loving his forward-thinking and knowing what I need.

I think I should just marry Christian!

***

I’m seated comfortably in Jake’s jet, Jenny beside me while Christian is sprawled in a seat across the aisle looking completely at home. Jake is talking to him across a table while we wait on Arrick and Nate and my nerves are on edge, sitting tapping my foot restlessly while trying so hard not to keep looking at the open door at the far end of the plane. It has only been minutes, but already I’m restless and antsy, barely able to keep myself in check and having Jenny slap my hands every time I start chewing my nails.

Jake looks my way a couple of times, with fatherly smiles, and I smile emptily back. He was a little cagey when we arrived, I think he expected me to pull him up on Arrick’s appearance and my lack of mentioning it is confusing him. I feel sick with nerves and want this to be over with.

Jake has to know everything; Arrick always confides in him and I tell Emma everything, which pretty much translates to Jake also knowing my side of events. I’ve avoided any sort of alone time to chat with him, other than our lunch dates every two weeks, but he tends to ask me about school and my apartment, and generally helps me with my bills and stuff I should be doing alone.

He asked me about three weeks after Arrick asked me to leave if I wanted to talk about it or wanted to know what Arrick was doing or saying about all of it. I told him I didn’t, and he has left it alone ever since. Right now, he is entertaining Christian and talking fast cars, boxing, and even more fast cars. Something they both have a love of it seems.

I can tell that Chris feels relaxed around him; his camp flamboyant side is clearly on display and I keep getting weird glances from Jake, as though he is trying to assess if I know. It’s one topic I never thought of broaching with him because, well, why would I? He asked me once if Christian and I were close, and I told him I loved him to bits, never dawned on me that he would read anything into that. Until now.

He is most definitely doing the “I wonder if she knows her boyfriend is gay?” look at me. I smirk, realizing despite talking about Chris and Jenny, I have never actually made it clear I wasn’t dating him, and I guess he figured I was. I guess that means Arry thinks I am too, as Jake would probably have mentioned it, although the restaurant would have been enough to tell him so.

Not that I care.

My head almost snaps up when I hear the tell-tale noise of people boarding the plane. Holding my breath, blood draining from my face as I stare at my exposed knees and wish I could sink into oblivion. My heart lurches and my stomach knots, I start inhaling slowly to calm all outward reaction to him boarding. Jenny reaches out, taking my hand in hers and squeezes gently. Reassuringly sweet as always and giving me just what I need. I take another deep breath to calm my outward persona and try to stay unflustered.

“Hey, all.” Nathan is first in, one of Arrick’s most regular companions at all Carrero family functions, He has been to many a Huntsberger party too. He grins at everyone, eyes lingering on Jenny a little longer than appropriate and that little Casanova twinkle tells me he thinks he found his new plaything for the weekend.

I think not! She is far too sweet for the animal in him, he would snap her.

“Hey, asshole.” I scowl my warning and get nothing but that infuriating wink from him which says “game on”. I will literally beat him if he dares mess with my new female bestie. Jenny has a boyfriend, okay maybe she doesn’t seem happy with him, but still. The girl doesn’t need Arrick’s lothario sidekick making moves on her innocent self and messing with her head. Nathan would crush her in so many ways.

He decides he wants to sit opposite us with that and moves to slide in directly in front, moving over towards her side so he leaves Arry a seat facing me. I freeze, the urge to kick Nate so hard it’s undeniable and I inwardly panic. The asshole will be more than aware of what happened with us and I could honestly choke him. I scowl at him, catching that infuriating smile as he slides into the seat in one fluid movement whilst throwing Jenny his “Hi, beautiful” smile, which signals he’s in predator mode.

Nate is handsome, I have to hand it to him, and he’s also tall, muscular, and pretty solid. But I also know he’s a commitment-phobe with a constant hard-on and his bed count is even higher than Jake’s back in his heyday as a man whore! Arrick, at least, used to bed the same bimbo for a couple of weeks before moving on, while Nate is more like a couple of hours. He never backtracks, and he never keeps them around to remember their names.

“Hey.” Says Jenny, blushing furiously as she tries not to react to the overly male hormones sweeping her way and gets a wink from him in return. Jake and Christian nod his way with guy smiles, oblivious to Nate’s schmoozing, and everyone goes back to silently awaiting the last passenger. There’s definite uneasiness in the air and I’m not sure if it’s just me or if everyone seems to be holding their breath while we await the man of the moment. I guess maybe it’s true, everyone in here knows the story between us, and they probably think it’s going to be awkward or seriously explosive. I’m counting on neither. I aim to be mature, act like I don’t give a shit and ignore him to the best of my capabilities.

Arrick hesitates when he boards a minute later, eyes immediately meeting mine. Almost as soon as he ducks in the door, it’s like some weird force that makes us both look at one another and then away as quickly. I’m a completely weak idiot, incapable of not looking when I should have kept my head down. My chest almost explodes with the effort of keeping my heart in place and my hands start to tremble involuntarily. My face tingling with the creep of heat and breathing that is instantly a little labored.

He moves down the aisle towards us as I keep my eyes on the book in my lap that I brought for this exact reason, pick it up and start to thumb the pages in a bid to appear nonchalant about his arrival. I feel like the whole plane is suddenly buzzing with tension and sixth sense tells me, all eyes are on me.

Arrick stops between the two sets of seats, his body heat and heavenly scent too close to be comfortable: we’re on his left, Jake and Christian on his right, giving him limited seating options. Leaning in to give Jake a man half-hug, shake thing, seeing it as an excuse, he slides in beside his brother across the aisle, facing Christian, instead of opposite me.

Thank God.

He sits diagonally across from me instead of directly facing. I let out a tiny sigh of relief, letting out the breath I wasn’t aware I started holding, knowing it will be less traumatic if I don’t have to dodge those sexy hazel eyes or stop myself from starting at that flawless square jawline every time I look up, or occasionally brush one another under the table, seeing as he has long legs, and this is not an overly huge space. My heart flutters a little, although my nerves are in chaos, like I’ve run a marathon with how lightheaded I am. I keep concentrating on outward calm, nonchalant expression and if needs must, the odd impassive gaze if he speaks to me.

“Hey everyone, I’m Arrick … Arry.” He nods towards Jenny; I catch it from the corner of my eye, feel her move as she leans out and I guess he’s offered her a handshake, the gentleman he always is. He greets Christian too, but I keep my eyes glued to the book in a bid to ignore him.

“Hey, Sophs.” His voice hits me in the gut. I know his eyes are on me this time and the familiar way he says my name hurts me more than I expected. I glance up quickly, so as not to draw attention to us and give him a quick half-smile. That soft look and eyes trained on mine make me completely lose all resolve to be cold and distant, fumbling with my book in my lap.

“Hey.” It comes out a little too breathily, completely shaken as heat creeps up my face even further, looking away fast so as not to let him know how much I fucking suck at hating him.

I just want to keep hating him so badly, keep being so crazy mad at him.

Almost gasping at how awful it is on my heart when his eyes meet dead on like that. Today they are greener than brown, and he’s looking at me like he wants to say something. Despite myself, I glance up at him again, catching his eyes locked on me once more before they flicker to Chris across from him and then looks away. I scold myself, shake myself internally and tell myself I need to get a grip on this and stop being so pathetic when it comes to him. I pick up my book, open the pages and stuff my nose inside, trying to get engrossed, and read this trip away.

Breathe, count to ten … Read and ignore. Repeat.

“Seatbelt, Sophs.” Arrick’s soft tone cuts straight through my guise and I look up to see everyone belting up, his eyes on me as he does the same, hurting with the force of a tidal wave and reminding me how many times he would lean over and put mine on. Like a weird habit, or impulse, from years of doing them for me when I was younger. I always had trouble getting them to latch, so he always did it, and then never stopped. I guess he’s feeling it too, being in the same space and not doing it for me for the first time since I ever met him. I guess this will be the first flight, road trip, or whatever, that we haven’t sat side by side while occupying the same space.

I pull on my lap belt, with a tight half-smile his way and try not to let the tingles creeping up from inside hit my face, and show him that he still gets to me on every level. I struggle with the stupid thing, try to get it to clip before Jenny leans over and does it instead, I avoid his eyes, knowing fine well he’s watching and feel like a dumb kid all over again. This is his fault, if he had ever left me to do this alone, then maybe I would have learned by now.

So much for being so mature and having my shit together. Who can’t latch goddamn safety belts? Me, that’s fucking who!

As soon as the plane starts up for take-off and maneuvering on the runway, I go back to my book in a bid to zone them all out and act like I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass if the entire reason for three months of sheer hell is sitting three feet away from me, looking like my dreams. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m suffocating because he’s here. I’ll never do this again. I would rather get a four-hour sweaty coach trip, than this hell.

Nathan’s already pulled Jenny into a conversation about some movie they both watched recently, and I can hear Jake and Christian talking across the aisle about something mundane. Chris has gone back into “man” mode and seems to be trying to act like he isn’t probably salivating over the two hot Carrero brothers and making like a straight boyfriend. I feel Arrick’s eyes on me every so often, even without looking I know it’s him. No one else has ever made my skin prickle the way he does, and I want him to stop. I don’t even know why, maybe it’s the hair, reverting to clothes I used to wear long ago. Either way, he needs to just leave me alone and look somewhere else. I flick the page and absorb myself in the words on the page before me, in a bid to get into the story and zone out the audience.