Chapter 16

Arrick’s POV

~ Watching Sophie dance with Natasha ~

“Here, you look like you need these” Nate pushes the tray of shots between us on the high table by the window, overlooking the dancefloor and I smile his way weakly. I feel like hell, already drunk and intend to get more so.

“And the rest.” I raise my brows in defeat and down the five Jaeger Bombs in a row he has bought for me, before washing away the taste with a beer and pray to god the alcohol hits fast and kills this agony I’m feeling tonight. Restless, head a mess and sometimes I curse this brain of mine for how it operates. Jake got my dad’s decisive mind and arrogant attitude in most things; I got my mom’s caring brain and worry wart nature.

For the most part I don’t mind it, but in this, it sucks like hell and if I were Jake, I probably would already be shacked up in bed with whatever girl did it for me the most. I know which one it is, but morally she isn’t the right choice.

“So, what is the deal? What’s changed?” Nate looks down at the floor, drawing my attention to the two women dancing among the crowds down there, and I cannot make myself look. Sophie and Natasha down there, all cozy and dancing like best friends is only making this so much worse, and I have no clue what the fuck I am doing. I feel like I have been pulled backwards through a meat grinder and only scathed by enough to survive.

Alternate reality!

I sag and sigh, body using the window frame as an anchor and I feel like my life has been one long ulcer this past few weeks. Drink hits me slowly, enveloping me with that warm fuzzy feeling which numbs it all down a little and frees my head up to be less highly strung.

“Time happened. The longer this goes on, the harder it gets. Because my head is now on the, I wonder what fucking her would feel like, stage. We both know that road is a slippery slope and I am fucked if I know what to do.” I wipe my hand down my face and sigh again, dramatically. Despite myself, I look down and see them together, and just groan and look away again. When I don’t see Tasha face to face, it’s easier to not give a shit about her in all of this. Then I see her, and that wounded expression and the hints of the girl I liked when I started dating her shine through, and it fucks me up all over again. I can’t say I don’t care about her, because I do. I maybe do not love her like I once thought I did, but there is still something there.

“You can’t keep dangling two women, while screwing neither, mate. That is completely hellish to your libido.” Nate grins and I throw him a defeated frown, no further with this than when I walked in here. Only now I am so much more drunk. I close my eyes for a moment to let that heady feeling penetrate and hope to god that one night on the tiles will give my head a break.

“I can’t go on like this. I need to make a choice or lose both of them.” I frown back down and catch sight of what looks like Sophs trying to get Tasha to mimic her in a dance move. I pause for a second to watch the hilarity in what she’s doing and feel that same weight of guilt hit me in the chest. How clueless Natasha looks while mirroring Sophie, giving her sexy dance moves so elegantly, and how trusting Sophie is that I will do right by her.

I’m fucking both of them up, and not being a decent guy to either of them. Natasha doesn’t even know any of this, and Sophie is being forced to act like none of it is happening, so she doesn’t find out. I hate myself right now.

When did I become this guy?

“Sophie looks killer tonight...that dress, man, I mean holy fuck. I almost didn’t recognize her.” Nate has his eyes glued to the dancefloor and I hit him in the gut with a hard reflex. Anger spiking irrationally, even though I know this is just how he is. Direct about what he is thinking, especially when it comes to checking out women.

“Don’t even! Keep your eyes and your hands a hundred miles away from her, or I will fuck you up, and you know it.” I glare angrily, and he grins at me like an ass. My temper ignited like it did in the cab and for the life of me I cannot recall ever having this reaction for Natasha, not one ounce of jealous irrationality and I cannot figure if it’s my protector side for Sophs, or something more. Again, the guilt hits me hard, low down in the intestines at this fact, and I lean back too, turning so I can look anywhere but at them.

“Well, seems your head may not know which girl you have a thing for, but your reflexes do.” He smirks at me and raises his beer in a ‘touché’ manner.

“Fuck off. If it was that simple, then I wouldn’t be like this.” I glare again and then sigh and down the rest of my beer in a bid to just get drunker and stop analyzing everything. It’s exhausting at the best of times but right now it’s downright soul destroying. I hate being me sometimes.

“You always overthink everything. Maybe for once in your life, just stop. Look at this in a more basic way. Who can you not live without? Who do you fantasize about?” Nate leans back against the window and cradles his beer, looking down to the side and the girls for a moment as I stare at him. He watches them intensely and smiles my way when I take too long to respond.

“You think I haven’t asked myself this a dozen times?” If I knew the answer to this question, then I would have picked already. Except the answers are not clear cut and all the variables and shit that goes with each girl make that question a mess to navigate. Sophie is the one with the entire loaded side of wrongs, boundaries, chaos, and guilt, so if I were picking the straightforward option, it wouldn’t be her.

Natasha is the clean, easy, right option, morally. No messy complicated family ties, scarred past and friendship to ruin. We were never friends before we dated, and her family do not have reason to be pissed at me being with her. Plus, we are closer in age and that’s a whole other thing.

“Maybe try fucking Sophie and see how it feels?” Nate blinks at me, completely serious and I frown at him hard. He has no concept of how stupid a statement that even is. He’s a guy with severe commitment issues, who keeps women at arm’s length and has screwed every girl in our circle of friends in the past, without giving a shit about the afters. Most of them are okay with him now, but for a while each of them hated on him with a passion, and he truly gave not one shit about it.

Screwing Sophie is probably the biggest, single most stupid thing I could ever do. Sex between us would shift everything and if I only did it as a test it would destroy it all. My problem is that I give too much of a shit about both of them, even if at times, I don’t care about Tasha as much as I should, but I care enough to feel guilt and indecision. I felt wrecked after kissing Sophie the first time, when Tasha was still my girlfriend and I couldn’t even bare to tell her after. I took the cowards way out of breaking up with her instead.

So gallant, Arry.

I know it’s because of where we are in our relationship, how we have become with each other. Stale, bored, playing out a routine, and I know it’s partly my fault. I stopped trying and got settled into what we were, and I don’t give her enough value, appreciate what she means to me. Two years she has been by my side, and in all that time we have never fought, never broken up or went to bed angry. It’s a calm, safe, stable sort of relationship that has dulled and become numbing, and I think that’s why I am all over the place. Lord knows I need calm with a head like mine.

She has these ideas about what we should be, how we should behave, and her eyes always on the goal of that big wedding, nice house, and kids. She wants Mr. Mature, Mr. Reliable and steady, who will provide and care, while she gets to be my domestic goddess and child rearer. I don’t have issue with those being her goals in life, but I do find it a little disappointing. I thought she had ambition when I met her, ideas on what she wanted to do for herself, in life. I mean, I met her as a nurse, she seemed passionate and caring, while tending her patients and I was in awe of how single minded and focused she was on her career. I’ve always been a sucker for a girl who knows her own mind, and wants more than just happy ever after, with prince charming.

Sophie is volatile at the best of times, fiery, passionate and not afraid to call me on my shit. We fight sometimes, although not often, but we bicker, we nip at each other. We have fallen out and made up more than once, and with her nothing is ever dull, or routine. She changes her mind like the weather, she’s spontaneous and fun. Together we laugh and act like kids, and she’s happy to follow the plans we make with my friends and go with the flow. Sophie keeps me young and reminds me how to enjoy life.

Sophie has focus though when she wants something or sees a goal. She aims and shoots and doesn’t let it out of her sight until she succeeds. She did it with that asshole in her past, she did it with healing her own wounds, and she is doing it now with her decision to go to school. I know she’ll do it; I have every faith in her because I know her. Sophie isn’t a girl you marry and tie down with kids and motherhood. She’s a shining star who will continue to glow and inspire those around her. And even if she does settle down with marriage and babies, she’ll still look for fulfilment beyond that role. We connect in that way because she is the same kind of person that I am. We both have goals beyond the perfect relationship and domestic life.

“Earth calling Arry.” Nates voice drags me back to him and I realize I have been daydreaming, while staring down at the two of them dancing awkwardly. Even from up here I can tell that Sophie has given up trying to get Natasha to throw some moves around the floor. She has no chance, she’s too uptight and rigid to be as much of a dancer as Sophs is. She hasn’t got that carefree confident side like she has. No rhythm, no grace, and fluid movement like Sophs and it just hits me in the gut all over again. Winding me a little.

When I met her, she at least tried. She was more relaxed and easier to coerce into things, like parties and dancing, and yet over the years has become so much more anal and rigid. I wonder if it’s because I became so much more distant and withdrew inside myself when things began to get stale. I wonder if I made her this way, and now here I am, contemplating breaking her heart and pushing her aside for a girl who has more spark. It’s cruel and shallow, and as I watch Natasha down there, I feel completely shitty about everything I have been doing these past weeks. She looks so small and unsure down there among the crowds, out of place and awkward, in need of the guy who promised to watch over her.

Where has he been?

His head hasn’t been on her, it’s been on fucking his best friend, kissing her, caring only about him and her and pushing Natasha aside over and over. When faced with her, I keep pushing down the guilt and try to ignore it, always putting Sophie at the forefront of my head and acting like Natasha’s feelings don’t matter. Pushing her aside all this time, and ignoring my inner feelings, in a bid to justify breaking up and looking at Sophie in the way I have been.

“Arry?” Nate shoves my shoulder and I glance at him this time. His questioning look and raised brow, pointing out I was lost in my own head again. Being drunk used to make me less emotional, and less introverted. I wonder why tonight it’s doing the exact opposite. Maybe I need to drink more if my aim was to feel nothing and blank this crap out.

“I’m thinking.... I need to stop this tonight. Make a choice and fucking end this agony.” I frown back down at them and see Sophie beckon for Natasha to follow, she has resolved to give up on dance lessons, and they are coming back up to us instead. My stomach somersaults with nerves at this thought and I down another drink from the table, stealing Nates shot that he hasn’t got to yet.

“You sure do if anything to just get laid. You are one hell of a grumpy son of a bitch when you’re not getting sex.” Nate shoves me again, and I shove him back with a glare. Nate nods an understanding look my way, grins at my thievery and turns to catch Colin in conversation, to leave me with my warring head. He’s my best mate and knows when I need to zone out for a while and get my shit together.

If this was only down to sex, then I wouldn’t have a problem. Sophie is more than willing to explore, that was obvious in the cab tonight and try as I might, I cannot get the feel of her off my hand ever since. Even thinking about that one innocent act has the ability to make me hard. I wonder if it’s because it’s forbidden, that all this lust is because she is the unattainable, new and uncharted, and it makes it exciting.

Whereas Natasha acts like sex is a chore, to be endured monthly. There would be no hard choice, and sex with her was only exciting in the first months when she seemed more willing to try and get into it. When our relationship was new and shiny, and I probably felt all of the shit I feel for Sophs back then, for Tasha. The honeymoon thing, excitement of the new and all that girly shit, and butterflies’ crap. I don’t remember, but I’m sure I must have.

I lean my head back against the glass and think about my mom, all those years ago and what my father’s affair did to her, did to them. It’s the closest thing comparable to my situation right now, and I at least have some insider knowledge on that outcome. They are stronger now because of it, but at the time it ripped my life apart in so many ways, to see two people I loved to death in so much pain. Young enough to see it all and feel the fallout and destruction that it caused all of us, affected by the chaos and carnage it brought their marriage. It’s still a black scar on me to this day and when I was in my teens, I was heading down the same reckless path as Jake did because of dumb issues skirting from it. I know how deep the effects of an affair can run.

My father thought their relationship was dying, running stale and he no longer loved her...much like I am with Natasha. He had an affair with someone who turned him on, someone he had formed a friendship with over the years, and it destroyed a lot of lives, including the kids on both sides for a time. I can’t deny that I see the similarities in this. Just thankful we don’t have kids, and never got to the marriage stage, but people are still getting hurt.

That thought depresses me more than anything. I’ve never enjoyed the pain of others at my doing and I don’t like the power I hold in this at all. Only, after my father did it, did he realize he still loved my mom and that’s when everything really fell apart. His guilt, her heartbreak, his regret at realizing what he broke, and that even though his feelings had been buried deep, he did love her, and it took a long time to rebuild what they had. In one crushing mistake, my father almost lost the love of his life, because he was blind to how much he did in fact love her.

Do I still love Natasha?

I wonder if that’s what would happen here; if I’m lusting after something new and different and will regret it if I follow through. I can’t deny that I’m sexually frustrated and aching for something fun. Now though, the doubt that if I went down this path, I would realize I still care about Natasha, and could leave chaos in my wake, really throws me. I won’t be able to undo all the pain if I keep going down this path and realize I’m wrong. I will lose her, severe the last two years, and getting back from that would either be impossible or nearly so. I don’t think I can live with myself at seeing her go through what my mom did. In the following months and years after he did what he did, as she tried to forgive him.

I think about my mom and see Natasha instead, my stomach twisting with the reality that if I don’t try first, then I may never be able to go back and fix this and see if maybe she really is the one for me. I owe it to her to give us another chance, change things and see if this is really some grass is greener, because I am bored, bullshit. Try harder and actually put some effort into our relationship again, like we used to.

I owe it to her to at least try. I did love her once. I don’t want to be my dad and do the damage before I come to my senses. I don’t want to inflict that pain on her, the pain I watched my mom endure which contributed massively to how much my own brain over complicates risk and tries to keep the peace in life. I don’t want to be that guy.

But what about Sophie?