Chapter 21

I was about to cross all lines, without a care, and Natasha is the only thing stopping me, by presence alone. I can barely register what Sophie is doing beside me, other than see from the corner of my eye that she is fixing her robe. I can’t even look at her in this moment. All three of us silent in this agonizing second of pause. Guilt crashing in, after delayed shock; consuming my insides and making every part of me wake up in agonizing reality and heaviness. Nothing sobers you up like the sort of girlfriend catching you sucking another girl’s breasts.

“How could you?” Natasha breaks first, looking from me and then to Sophie accusingly, like this is a double betrayal and the words stab me in the gut. Ashamed that I could do this to anyone, let alone her. My brain finally re-engaging. She throws my phone and wallet loudly on the floor out of the elevator between us, across the space in a weirdly symbolic way; it crashes and slides ungracefully across the marble, killing the heavy silence, tears blinding her as I hesitate.

Unsure what to do or how to react. I glance at Sophie, who’s looking wild haired, her face flushed from arousal and her lips kiss swollen. I can’t deny my body still reacts to her in every way, and I know staying here will be a huge mistake. I’m too drunk, and I’ll go back to what I was doing to her, without hesitation if Natasha leaves.

Natasha deserves more, especially after I sat in that bar and told her we could start over. I at least owe it to her to apologize, to grovel a little and talk this out. I have no clue what I’m even going to say or what I want, head torn between a drunk me, saying ‘fuck it, let her go and screw Sophie into ecstasy’, and sober me saying ‘Don’t be this asshole, give a shit, care about the girl you loved’.

The doors start to close on her, and I move with lightning speed, indecision gone, instinct and sober brain overtaking. Crossing the floor in seconds and slamming a hand between them so I can squeeze through; I’m not the same asshole my father was when my mom caught him having an affair. He didn’t chase her at first, he didn’t tell her he was sorry, and it almost ended her. I’m not him in this.

Not really thinking this through, and just reacting with panic. I’ll be a better guy. I slide beside Natasha as she backs into the corner and then slaps me hard venomously across the face, a nothing sting of a feeble hit that doesn’t do much, except let her vent her heartbreak. The doors are shut, and I just left Sophie in my apartment without another word, to chase Natasha and I honestly have no clue as to how I should feel about that. Instant regret that I followed when I should have stayed. Everything inside of me bitterly hating myself that I left her and how that’s going to look to her. I don’t react to the slap, my brain upstairs on running out on her, guilt hitting hard, yet here I am, and I need to deal with this. I did this, I created this situation and I need to fix it or fuck all three of us up for an eternity.

“I trusted you” Natasha is sobbing at me, broken and tiny with huge hurt eyes and a trembling mouth. All I can do is sigh and fall back against one wall opposite her and bury my face in my hands as I try to get a grip on this reality. It still feels like a bad dream and my head is still whirring and spinning as I try to catch up. I can still feel Sophs on my skin, her lips, her taste in my mouth.

“I know. I’m sorry, Tash, I’m an asshole and you deserve better.” It’s all I can say. I mean it, even if it really is lame as apologies go, I do feel bad for what I’m doing to both of them, but I don’t have a clue how to fix any of it. Sophie deserves more than this mess. She deserves a guy who wouldn’t make her endure this, or leave her up there to chase his ex.

It hits me like a blow that I just fucked up where she’s concerned, again. By leaving her like I did – I just told her that Natasha means more. Maybe I should evaluate that it was a gut reaction, and maybe she does mean more than I keep giving her credit for, I mean, I am here aren’t I. I chose to follow her.

“Have you been sleeping with her all along? Is she the reason for all this weirdness and breaking up?” She’s howling at me, the sounds of a shredded heart and broken soul and all I can do is stare at the black floor of the elevator and feel a ten-ton lead weight consume me. A horrid gut-wrenching hollowness kicking in.

Nothing sobers you up faster than reality hitting you in the face in this momentous way. I should have told her the truth weeks ago, but I was selfish and a coward, and maybe this right here is the head that needed to come before anything changed.

“No sex, but yes... she’s the reason I ended things with us, because I don’t know how I feel about her. We kissed a few times.” I lean my head back against the metal interior and look at the roof instead, avoiding the tearful shaking mess across from me, huddled tight and holding herself against the opposite wall, and feeling like the biggest shit head on the planet.

“You were going to have sex with her, if I hadn’t walked in?” Her voice is shaking, her tears pouring down her cheeks, which is weird to see as she rarely loses it in front of anyone and it just serves to cut me more. I am starting to feel strangely detached from reality right now, emotions numbing out and my brain keeps tugging back to Sophie and wondering what she’s doing right now, how she’s reacting to my leaving her there. I never even brought my cell to text her, not that I should. Natasha would fucking castrate me if I whipped it out and did that.

I can’t do a thing except follow through and talk to Natasha before I go home and talk to her and try to salvage what may be left. Sophs will be hating on my like crazy and that thought alone makes me feel sick.

“Yes. I was.” I won’t lie. I would have gone through with it without hesitation. If I stayed up there, I know I would still have followed through even now. I can’t get the feel of her off my body.

“It’s because I don’t give you sex enough isn’t it, because we are stale in that way? Do you love her?” Natasha moves towards me, no longer howling, but still gulping hard with a torrent of tears washing her face, she looks devastated, face contorted unattractively as she claws at what’s left of my heartstrings.

I shake my head, unable to even begin explaining the multi-facetted layers of my feelings towards Sophie. It’s never been about sex, until now and as for love, I think I maybe could be in love with both. I just don’t know anymore. The feelings are all muddled and confusing and I can’t separate duty, care, responsibility and affection form sex and lust and all that other shit.

“I’ll try harder, I’ll give you more sex, spice it up, do things you want to do.” She’s begging me, clinging to my arm and it feels like the tables are shifting. She doesn’t even give me a chance to answer her question on whether I love Sophie. Momentarily confused that she is now begging me to give her a chance when she just caught me cheating on her. Blanching at her, completely stupefied for a moment unable to process her reaction.

“Tasha, I just cheated on you.... Why are you asking me to let you try harder?” I blink at her in utter confusion. Losing a modicum of respect for her in this moment. Sophie would tear me a new one, and cut me out of her life if the role was reversed, probably cut my balls off too; she may even still do that, because I was stupid enough to leave her there and the thought sickens me.

“Because I can get past it, I see where we are failing, and I know we can fix this. We can do better. I won’t hold this against you, Arrick. I need you. I love you and I’ll die without you.” She breaks into another sob and throws her body into mine, so I have no choice but to hug her back, and suddenly realize how awkward this feels. How alien it is to hug someone who has been my girlfriend for two years. I can’t remember the last time we hugged for anything, we don’t touch often, except with sex or the odd kiss on the cheek, or arm in arm when at dinner. Touch between us feels weird and only highlights that what she is saying is true. We don’t touch or get intimate anymore.

“Natasha...” I start to talk but she leans up fast and covers my mouth with her fingertips to silence me. Panic in her eye and a frantic energy wafting up from her.

“You loved me once, we used to be so good together. Please let us try Arrick, please give me a chance to find us again and see if we can love one another properly once more. If it doesn’t work, then I will walk away without any drama. I just need a chance to make you happy.” She blinks up at me, heart on her face in full view, broken, torn, and devastated and guilt sucker punches me in a way I can’t combat. Every part of me aching with it painfully, swallowing hard when she’s basically begging me, in my face with all sorrow on show.

Good guy Arry is having too much of a hellish time, to reject her. So confused in this, in her reaction to what she just saw. My head on Sophie and yet, enough doubt in me to hesitate at what she is asking. Looking down at our bodies held closely, I try to feel something more than uncomfortable, realizing this is because of how we have let things get between us. Months if not more, of letting things between us become stagnant and empty.

I did love her once, I’m sure of it, because how else did I convince myself to settle for one girl when I was a complete slut before. This is as much my fault as hers for how we even got here. Sophie’s love confession came at a time when I was falling out of love with her, doubting my life, bored in my relationship and looking for happier pastures, and I wonder had it come in the first year would we even be here right now.

When I was invested in Natasha, happier, and still content enough to be with her. I’m not disloyal normally, I abhor cheating; it makes me feel despicable and all of this raises a million more doubts and questions for me.

“I don’t know, Tash.... I need to think, we need to talk. I’ll come with you and we will do that, but I’m making no promises.” I sigh, strangely defeated and tense when she wraps herself around me fully, sliding her arms in about my waist and rests her head on my heart. It doesn’t feel the way Sophie feels but I can’t think about that now. I need to focus on the here and now.

“I wouldn’t know how to survive without you. I would kill myself.” She whispers breathily, and the tears sting my eyes, that heavy pit in my heart comes back full force with painful intensity. Instant guilt coursing through me at the realization that I can’t just walk away and discard her.