Chapter 4 He's fine now

I do not know what to do. With trembling legs I went to the front of his desk. I can feel him staring at me, my heart won't stop beating wildly. I don't know if I'm going to continue this or I'm going home. I gulped the lump on my throat. This life is fucked up anyway, let me just deal with this. I sat up straight as I bravely looked into his eyes as if I was unaffected. I have no other idea how dangerous they are. His jaw are sharp the stables are on it.

He's matured before but he looks more mature now. His lips twitched and raised his eyebrows as if he was waiting for me to say something.

"I ... uhm ..."

My voice can't stop stuttering. Why am I being like this? I saw him glance at his wristwatch and part my lips there. Okay ...

"Your people have brought me here. If you're busy then might as well send me to your HR so I can properly deal my concerns."

I saw him stop at what I said as I kept my gaze on his watch. The edge of his lip lifted again and he leaned back in his large swivel chair.

"Go on. I'm all ears." I rolled my eyes in disbelief. The nerve of this man. Really Aunt Matilda? Treat their intern professionally? Says who?

"I want to apply a-as an intern." I tried so hard. His head tilted as if confused by what I was saying.

"Intern? Sale Representative or ..." He couldn't continue.

"Architectural."

Lazy amazement was the reaction he gave me. I stared at him intently as his eyes went straight to the papers in front of him. He's looking so bored dealing with me. My blood boiled when I saw that reaction.

What does he think of me? While living model? He looked at the papers in front of him and reached for his pen, the friction of the pen was the only noise. Didn't he hear me? Many things have changed in him, but for some reasons I cannot pinpoint what those are. If his aura used to be cold and dark now it is even worse. His built look so tight with that long sleeve hugging his body.

He wrote a few pages of paper and I still didn't hear anything. I look stupid in front of him. Did I made an appointment just to watch him scribble on those papers?

"Have you not heard me, Mr. Vidalio?"

His signature was left on the air and did not continue. He slowly rotated the ball pen and laid it on his clean table. He loosened the neck tie he was wearing and stood up. His shadow covered the bright city behind him. My heart beat went violent. He laid his two hands on the table and now my tongue seemed to retreat from the coldness of his gaze on me.

"Loud and clear, Ms. Suarez."

It was almost like a whisper. He turned his back on me and faced the city in the wide mirror of his office. I badly wanted to get out. Just a touch of my patience and I'll run out. Damn the internship!

"I don't know if we have an available-"

"Then I'm leaving."

I quickly stood up and grabbed my bag and turned to leave.

"Isn't that too unprofessional for a future Architect in the making?"

I almost broke my teeth at the pressure I felt. The tone of his voice was sarcastic and my head grew hotter. I faced him again and saw him approaching me. Anyone will probably fake the smile I gave to him so I hope he can get it.

"Thank you for your time Mr. Vidalio, it's my pleasure to leave."

He cocked his head when stopped going near me. Even from a distance I could smell her perfume. The familiar scent of him. It was as if I had suddenly forgotten my anger just now.

"We're not yet done talking."

"We are. So if you'll excuse me."

I would have turned my back again when he came closer to me. I was taken a back. Now there is no denying, his scent was still the same as before. I restrained myself from revealing that I was affected by him.

"We are never done."

He clenched his jaw. Her eyes grew darker. My pupils have lost its focused and my heart shuttered into pieces looking at his deep brown eyes. I could clearly see the change in emotion in his eyes. I saw a mixture of pain, anger and sadness here. I tried to deny it but that's really what I see. I was exhausted to see them. I seem to want to give everything up to him now.

"What am I gonna do here then? I'm not going to get anything out of it."

I answered with all might even though I knew he was referring differently to what he said.

"We do have, let me settle it with my secretary-"

"Then I'll just come back."

I turned away in great fear of being able to start a conversation with him. But before I could take a step his rough hand covered my wrist. His eyes are cold. I can't see anything but coldness and nothing more. My heart fluttered and shattered in pain at the same time. Why do I feel like I'm the one at fault? Why does it seem like I still have to feel guilty when he has to explain it to me? My eyes heated upon seeing him this close, all the memories of him left in me playback and stung like hell.

The pain I've felt since I chose to leave everything as if nothing had happened seems like I regret now seeing her eyes like this. In the past 4 years I dare not to hear anything from him, I have been forced to go deaf and blind. I never checked his social media accounts, I didn't even tried to search any article of him. Even occasionally I hear his name. I chose to ignore and go on as if I didn't meet him in my whole life. But now that he is so close to me my own feelings are degrading me. I can't pretend, my heart is angry but it's even more annoying that after all I still feel this way for him.

The former myself who was willing to follow everything he wanted until it reached surrender returns. And that's not what I wanted this to be. I've been denying this the whole time, this is one of the things I dread when I come back here. Half heartedly, I came back here. Not because I want to fix my issues, but a part of me is still hoping for this moment to come. But the reality is I was never prepared for this kind of encounter. Because if I had told myself I was ready I would not have felt this way.

I'm ready if I'm numb, and clearly that's not how I feel right now. I used to be brave, or I wasn't really brave either. I was just pretending to be, because I'm afraid he might see my real emotions and feelings. He stared at my eyes and it was like taking a glimpse of my soul. I can see how his cold eyes turned a bit shock and blood shot. His lips parted and the words he tried seemed to be left in the air he would say. As much as I wanted to ask how is he, I can't.

I'm trying to battle myself with my heart, my heart repeatedly reminding me that the wound this man left on me is huge. How is she? He's of age, maybe he has a girlfriend or maybe he's already married. A cold steel cut my chest realizing what I just thought. If that's true, he's fine with me, he looks well and healthy, I can just see that he's fine with me. His grip on my wrist loosened and he didn't seem to know what to do. I averted my gaze from him and quickly wiped away the fugitive and treacherous tears.

"U-uhm, sorry for the inconvenience. If there's no available slot then I think I'll just go."

My voice was shaking and I couldn't help but look at him now following my movements.

"We do. My secretary can settle that matter." I nodded, not to myself.

The marble floor in his office was my focus, not knowing what to say next. Can I just refuse and say I will look for someone else? But that'll be rude, I'll just agree, when I come back I'll look for another company, the one without him.

"Email me your-" I looked up at him as he stopped. He looked up and read her lower lip. I gulped, I averted my gaze again.

"Give me your number."

"Huh?"

"So we can ... update you about your application."

"Just contact m-my manager."

"Is he the intern?"

I stopped at his cold tone. None of myself nodded again, not knowing how I was going to give him what he was asking for. I just want to get out of this situation and get stuck. He took his cellphone out of his pocket and handed it to me. My hand are still shaking and an unfamiliar cold is running inside my stomach. My own soul had fled from me.

I typed my number and his phone and I made a mistake as if I didn't memorize it. I'm just so nervous knowing that he's looking at me, tracing all my flaws. He didn't speak when I handed him the phone back and he just kept looking at the number and pressing what was there.

"I'll go now. T-thank you." It nodded.

"I'll call you." I glanced at him questioning his statement. Her lips twitched.

"For the internship ..."

My lips parted at what he said. Yeah right, what else is the reason for him calling?

"Y-yeah."

I nodded and stormed out. I couldn't even thank the woman who greeted me, I just left and vowed never to come back. I almost hurt myself as I walked out of the building, a mixture of embarrassment and frustration was felt. If I deny that I was not affected by our meeting that is a big lie. He looks so well, as if I'm the only one who's been miserable these past few years.

And it pained my heart, to think that he was fine and seemed to have forgotten that while I was still left with the wound of yesterday. I'm not being irrational but I think it's true, that games and big nonsense are just past us. I'm the only one affected by it and I'm the only one who can't forget it. He's fine now.

That's enough for me to know. Going back to the unit, I cried so bad. I cried until I felt like I was wasting tears.