Chapter 32

Chapter 32

The sensation in my chest seemed to tighten as we approached the packhouse.

I felt as though everything that had transpired was churning inside of me, and I was suffocating silently. My rib cage seemed as though it was collapsing in on itself, and my broken bones repeatedly pierced my lungs with their broken edges like shards of glass. My insides were permanently stained with ink, and my blood vessels were covered in acid due to my guilty conscience. The worst feeling of all was the yearning to have my partner; it was unstoppable and so fucking vile that there was nothing I could do about it.

I felt like death was always pursuing me, and this time it was all my fault.

Derrick might be safe for the time being, but that didn't mean I would be able to keep him safe indefinitely. His safety had been jeopardized the moment our mate link had fallen into place. It also didn't mean I could protect his group from my mother's cruel hands. I was getting more self-centered the longer I stayed with him, but I had no idea what else to do.

I didn't know how to tell him the truth without him detesting me, and I couldn't leave him with the mate tie still intact. Every option that was pushed upon me appeared unfeasible, yet every choice I made consistently seemed to lead me back to him.

My heart was pounding, and I should have been concentrating on attempting to quiet my wolf at this very moment. She was quite agitated, grabbing and scratching at me, demanding that I give up control of my body. Her she-wolf instincts of protection were crushing my guilt.

There would have been no holding back what my wolf wanted to do if Gabriel hadn't brought this automobile and forced me to walk across the royal pack territories in this state.

She wanted to move.

She desired her partner.

She desired to reclaim what was hers by right.

While I was a human, I liked to disappear into the background, but my wolf had a massive ego and all the self-assurance in the world to get what she wanted without thinking about the repercussions.

Because of the trauma I had experienced during our early years—my first shift had only occurred three moons after the Knightfall pack had discovered me on their border—she had never shared the same logic as me, which is why she was so impetuous and annoying and constantly at odds with my more subdued tendencies.

She had recognised Derrick as her mate from the minute we first laid eyes on him, in contrast to me, and I was simply preventing her from realizing her full potential. She didn't seem to understand that I was trying to find a solution for us to keep our mate and ourselves alive, even though I had been pushing aside her rage for the past few days.

"It's the mate bond," Gabriel reassured me, dragging my horrified thoughts away.

I turned to look at him; he was hunched over the steering wheel, staring straight ahead at the road. If he knew that I was the cause of his warrior's death, I worried about what he would do to me. Would he punish me personally, or would he leave it to my mate?

I was barely hanging on, and every second that passed, my wolf continued to tighten its grip on me.

"What?" Even though I couldn't comprehend what he was trying to say, I was happy to have the diversion.

My desire to move was tugging at my skin, and the sensation in my chest was only getting worse. I was struggling not to let my claws tear into the leather interior of this fine car as I could feel my fangs protruding through my gums once more.

Losing control in front of a ranking wolf was terrible enough, but it would be even more awful to leave behind signs of my weakness.

"It's like a psychogenic lock—your mate is in distress and the bond is alerting you; that's why you are struggling to keep control." The meaning of his words appeared to stop the tumult inside of me. Like he had done yesterday, he was watching the craziness of my heart rate and waiting for me to calm down, only for it to get worse.

I had been blaming my mother's threat for my mental collapse all along, but even when we were certain Derrick was safe, my wolf had been growing increasingly intolerable.

Is it possible that the mate bond was the source of this oppressive feeling and that my wolf was able to sense my mate's suffering because the bond was locked onto our emotions? It was tragic that my mom had returned, and it was tragic that Derrick had lost one of his pack members as a result. Both tallies were still very much fresh in my mind, and I was unsure of how to distinguish between them.

In any case, Gabriel's implied meaning was nonsensical.

Usually, soul bonds do not form between partners prior to the marking ceremony. In addition to serving as a possessive marker, designating that a wolf had been claimed, the mark also served to combine the wolves' energies. The mark established an unbreakable relationship and a direct channel to your partner's thoughts and feelings, although no one was entirely sure how it operated.

Derrick had only touched me once or twice, and even if I disregarded our kiss, there was nothing in our interactions that would have convinced me that we had developed a spiritual connection. I didn't think I would be able to accept that this was what was happening to me and my wolf—not now, not when I knew how much anguish it would bring to sever a relationship that had already become extremely strong.

"He hasn't marked me yet; we haven't even..."

I looked out the window, flushing as I caught myself.

But there was nothing to be ashamed of, especially not when his pack's members would be aware of the precise moment their Alpha had decided to claim me—the tethers of a new mind link joining the established pack's web, or perhaps they would hear my screams as their Alpha king filled me up in more ways than one.

My nails dug into the leather of the chairs; my wolf enjoyed my soiled thoughts, but now was not the moment to indulge in them.

Gabriel cleared his throat, displaying obvious discomfort similar to mine.

"The strength of the mate tie has always been based on the ranking of the mated wolf, but soul links are typically not formed until after the marking. Since you are paired with an Alpha King, the highest-ranking wolf in the established hierarchy, it would make sense to speed the mate connection; soul links may have already been established, as seen by past royal unions." My pulse had returned to its racing heartbeat; although I had assumed his comments would serve as a diversion, I now sincerely prayed that none of them had been heard. He gave off the impression that he had done his homework and that he had solid proof to support his claims.

I wanted to disagree with the hypothesis he had developed, but how could I disagree with something so glaringly obvious? I could feel Derrick's emotions pressing down on me as if they were my own, even when we were together.

There is no way that things could get worse, could they?

If what he claimed was accurate, it meant that, like everything else, I was powerless to break free from the tie.

The car slowed down, and silence descended between us as we approached a gate manned by two warriors. I felt my chest tighten even more as I struggled to process all that was pressing down on me. I tensed up in my seat as they dipped their heads into their delta and then fixed their gazes on mine.

The uneasiness in their pulse rate revealed their naive trust in their Alpha's unmarked mate, and I was clueless on how to handle it all. My partner had taken over my only thoughts, and the guilt of it all was still eating me alive. Through the thick metal of this car, I had managed to pick up his scent, and the farther he drove in the direction of the packhouse, the stronger it became.

The previous two times I'd found myself here, I hadn't arrived via the typical route. As it came into view, my wolf preening over the opulence of her new abode, I straightened in my seat. I was in awe of this house's magnificence as my eyes grew wide and my mouth fell open, trying to take in all of its splendor in a single glance.

The royal packhouse was enormous from any perspective, but this kind of nighttime lighting made it appear even more so. Compared to the meager pack I had known growing up, it was nothing. With the night's shadows falling over them, the stone walls appeared even taller. The owner of the home was a king whose royal lineage was evident in everything he did; our mate's connection was only the second most obvious thing about him. Everything about it screamed how strong and wealthy the owner was.