The Infinite Jest
One more world. Just one more fucking world, and I'd be free.
The battlefield was soaked in blood and mist. A twisted forest lay behind us, roots curling like the fingers of the dead. Mana shimmered in the air like heatwaves.
The Wicked Elf Queen stood before me, her obsidian crown gleaming like the destruction of her crumbling realm.
She was… well, calling her beautiful would be generous. She looked like what you'd get if a peacock and a pointy-eared human had a really regrettable one-night stand.
Her feathers were an obnoxious shade of purple, her ears were so pointed they could puncture steel, and she had this annoying habit of squawking between her dramatic monologues.
"Come, O mighty God Slayer!" she purred, her voice dripping with dark promise.
She raised her blade, its edge crackling with black magic. "Thrust your blade into me and Make it hurt~"
Did she just—? No. Focus.
"Real subtle, lady." I didn't come here for whatever twisted game she's playing.
The blade slid into the Elven Queen's chest with a wet, anticlimactic squelch.
"There," I muttered, watching her pristine white dress bloom crimson. "Finally."
She smiled even as blood trickled from her lips. "Oh, my dear Godslayer... you think this is victory?"
"I don't have time for this, Lady. I am so close to the finish line,"
I said, although I was certain she had no idea what I meant.
"I've killed seventeen demon lords, three gods, and a few stars. You are a joke compared to them, and yeah, this is victory." I yanked the sword free, flicking gore from the blade.
"Quest complete."
Time to collect my prize.
The Queen's laughter followed me as she crumpled to the bone-strewn ground. Around us, her joke of a castle began to collapse, reality itself sighing in relief as another world-ending threat bit the dust.
I felt it!—that familiar tingle of a quest completed. The system notification should have appeared any second now.
My reward. My wish. My ticket to a normal life with a normal woman who wouldn't try to sacrifice me to dark gods or use my blood for morning coffee.
Ding!
Thank fuck.
[CONGRATULATIONS, PLAYER! YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED ALL 11 QUESTS!]
Finally! I practically vibrated with excitement.
[HOWEVER… WE'VE DECIDED TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH YOUR REWARD! ☆(ゝ∀・)☆]
Wait. What?
[SURPRISE! PLOT TWIST! ISN'T THIS EXCITING?]
"Bitch! Bitch! Are you fucking kidding me right now? I just spent three months getting cozy with an elf psycho who collected human spinal columns as decorative centerpieces! I had to pretend to enjoy her 'romantic' dinners where the main course was still screaming! And you're telling me what?!"
I screamed at the empty air. "11 worlds! Multiple lives! I've been stabbed, crucified, poisoned, cursed, possessed, r*ed by amazonian goddess and once turned into trash can for months! You promised me my wish!"
[Error 404: Humor.exe not found. Initiating Protocol: Maximum Trolling.]
[Aww, someone's cranky! (¬‿¬)]
"..........."
The rage that had been building for multiple lifetimes exploded. I cursed the System with every profanity I'd learned across multiple dimensions.
I was limited by human languages until now, and trust me, some of those alien curses were particularly creative.
[YIKES! SUCH LANGUAGE! (◉_◉)]
[WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE THAT…]
[WISH GRANTED! ☆(ゝ∀・)☆]
[JUST KIDDING! OPPOSITE DAY ACTIVATED!]
"Opposite day? What are you, twelve years old?!"
[YOU WISHED TO HAVE A NORMAL LOVE LIFE? HAVE FUN WITH THAT! (≧▽≦)]
[PUNISHMENT COMMENCING! ♪(´▽｀)]
The last thing I felt was my soul being ripped from my body as the System's maniacal laughter echoed through the void.
I woke up screaming.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU, SYSTEM! YOU INSUFFERABLE, MALICIOUS PILE OF GLITCHES! I'LL HAUNT YOUR DIGITAL BLOODLINE FOR ALL ETERNITY! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!"
The words tore from my throat before I was even fully conscious, my voice cracking with fury and disbelief. The anger burned so hot I could barely think straight.
It took me a moment to realize I was screaming while hanging upside down in mid-air.
I looked down—or up?—at myself and nearly choked. Not good. I had fucking feathers. Honest-to-god, duck-like feathers covering my arms and torso.
Not the elegant, you'd expect from some majestic bird creature, but the kind of dull feathers that looked like they belonged on something that spent its days paddling around in ponds and shitting on park benches.
"What the—" The words came out wrong. Higher pitched. Squeaky.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me."
"QUACK."
The sound escaped my throat unbidden. I tried again, focusing on human speech.
"Darling? Are you awake?" a voice, impossibly sweet yet edged with a tremor that spoke of barely contained hysteria, cooed beside me. "Why do you use such foul language? And who, pray tell, is this… 'System' you keep raving about?"
I craned my neck in the mid air and came face to face with the source of the voice.
She was a harpy, but not the kind you'd see in children's picture books. This was a [Harpy] who looked like she could bench press a truck and then use it to bludgeon her enemies.
There was a long fucking sword on her hand, its polished blade reflecting my feathery face, and way she was staring at me like I was the last piece of chocolate in existence.
"Who—" QUACK. I cleared my throat aggressively. "Who are you?"
Her expression shifted. The loving smile flickered, replaced by something ugly, she stared at me for what felt like an eternity.
"What are you talking about?" Her voice was barely above a whisper, but somehow sounded if she'd been screaming. "Are you pretending not to know me now?"
"About what? I don't know who—"
"You don't remember me." She started muttering to herself, it wasn't a question. "You don't remember your Elsa."
"My what now?"
What is this crazy bird yapping about? How worse can my day get? Fuck, you system.
Apparently, her face went through several emotions in rapid succession: hurt, confusion, rage, and something like bloodlust.
"How can you not remember?" She floated closer, and I noticed she was trembling. "I'm your beloved. The one you promised to build a nest with! Did some… some harlot tell you to do this? Did she put these wicked thoughts in your precious head? Or do you wish to see me go insane?"
"Lady, I think you've got the wrong guy. I've never known you and I definitely don't remember any promises." I tried to back away and discovered I was hanging from what appeared to be a very sturdy rope. "Also, why am I tied up?"
"For your own protection, darling." She reached out and stroked one of my wings. I shuddered. "There are so many people who want to hurt you. That fox woman, the dragon princess, the entire sisterhood of battle nuns who keep sending you love letters..."
"What fox woman? What dragon princess? What nonsense are you talking about?"
Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Stop pretending. It's not funny anymore." Her talons twitched at that, gleaming with energy.
Shit, she doesn't look sane. Suddenly, I regretted shouting so much.
My anger toward the stupid System made me too emotional. I was in a different body, with no access to my powers, and I was tied upside down.
This insane bitch might do something weird if I'm not careful with my words. "Um, babe, calm down, I was having a nightmare…"
The sword was in her hands before I could blink. The blade gleamed with an edge that looked sharp enough to split atoms.
"Babe…? That's not what you call me. You mistaking me for someone else…?" she whispered, raising the weapon, "Who were you dreaming about? No, wait. I know. It must be that System thing you were screaming about when you woke up? Is she another woman?"
She brought the sword near my throat.
Shit, shit, shit. "It's not a woman!" I tried to think of something quickly. "It's- it was a nightmare, where a cosmic entity tried to that just royally screw me over!"
"Liar." The sword point hovered inches from my throat. "You were calling out for someone. Some other lover."
"It's a computer program! An artificial intelligence! It doesn't even have a gender!"
"So you admit you've been talking to other entities behind my back."
"I told you it was a dream!! I–" I stopped myself, realizing trying to defend myself further was pointless. I just stared at her. "You're insane."
"I'm in love." She leaned closer with her big sword, and I could see tears forming in those beautiful, psychotic eyes.
"Do you know what it's like, watching the man you adore pretend he doesn't know you? It's like being stabbed through the heart with a thousand burning knives."
She pressed the sword's edge against my neck, and I felt a warm trickle of blood run down my throat.
"WHAT?! No, no, NO! You can't just—" Before I could finish, she stabbed my wing', great I had fucking wings, more ways to get hurt.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, twisting the blade. "This hurts me more than it hurts you. But it's the only way."
The world exploded into white-hot agony. I could taste copper in my mouth, and my vision started to blur around the edges.
"You ignore me," she sobbed, her voice breaking.
"My heart rips apart. It hurts a hundred times more than being stabbed. A thousand times more than any blade could ever cut."
"You're..." I coughed, spattering crimson across her pristine feathers. "You're fucking insane bitch."
"No, I'm in love." She kissed my forehead as the life drained out of me.
Fucking System…I thought as everything faded to black, when I get out of this, I'm going to find a way to fuck you over.
****
[DEATH COUNT: 1/∞]
[GOOD LUCK! (◕‿◕)]
