Chapter 14 Can You Feel My Heart

The title of my favorite song is quite ironic considering I love to pretend I don't have emotions. As an Insurgent, we all have an ES which stands for emotion stabilizer, and it makes sure we're never feeling anything out of line (which means if you're not angry or sad then you have a permanent stomach ache). But the song is by Bring Me the Horizon and is my favorite song of all time.

-

I had Ayla help me serve breakfast this morning- mainly because she was up when I was and I didn't want to leave her alone in my room. When Ethan, Kyle's twin brother, had passed through the line she gasped and dropped her spoon and ran to hug him. I guess it was like he was the last part of her old life to be alive or awake.

"But your eyes..."

He laughed, "I was using contacts. Being in a car already freaked you out I think you'd notice if my eyes were silver and have double the fears."

She shuddered but laughed and I nearly smiled seeing her appear genuinely comfortable. After our first real interaction I was worried she would never warm up to the situation- not that she should be happy living here- but seeing her settled made things a whole lot easier.

Ever since Ayla arrived I think I've slept maybe four hours in total. I had insomnia before, but the thought of sleeping in a room with just freaked me out. Sometimes I broke things from how bad my nightmares can get, I didn't want her to see me as weak.

I grabbed some breakfast for myself and sat down at our usual table, letting Ayla loose by letting her continue to talk to Ethan. I like Ethan more than I like Kyle sometimes depending on my day, Ethan was a much more mellow guy compared to his brother and although he wasn't part of our operation I did trust him.

"Hello Jack!" Mavis said in her usual perky tone, Jasmine didn't even look at me as she butchered her eggs with her fork.

"These taste bad today," She glared at me.

I shrugged, "Maybe it's just your mouth."

Kyle snickered beside me before elbowing, "Aren't you scared Ayla will fall in love with my brother over there?"

"Yeah I'm surprised you're not standing over her just in case she spontaneously combusts," Mavis took a sip of her water, making all of us laugh.

I looked over my shoulder and watched them talk against the wall, watching her smile and occasionally laugh.

I turned back around and shrugged, "She seems to be enjoying herself."

"Hope she'll enjoy my brother's incredibly small-"

Jasmine locked eyes with Kyle and Kyle silently fell to the floor unconscious.

Mavis and I both looked at her, annoyed and over the attitude she'd been giving.

Jasmine shrugged, "You're welcome."

Jasmine is a dreamscaper, her powers are all about the mind kind of like mine. She can travel into other people's dreams and manipulate them and... obviously make someone fall unconscious. Sometimes I wonder if she gives me extra nightmares if I made her mad that day but she always swore she wouldn't. She also can see and alter someone's memories which makes her good at interrogation.

Ethan and Ayla came over to our table and sat down. This time, Ayla thankfully had more than an apple on her plate. After hearing her thoughts about what her mother had once told her about her weight I was confused as to why she would say that at all let alone a kid. I was trying to figure out a way to make sure she ate well and didn't worry about that here but luckily she did that herself.

Jasmine gave Ayla a fake smile before returning to her eggs, "Good morning, Ayla. Did you sleep good?"

I froze.

Ayla visibly gulped, "Hello... Jasmine."

"I don't think we've been actually introduced. Although I know plenty about you. How are your parents by the way?"

Jasmine was also there the day we collected Ayla... she's the one that locked her parents up like shells so their minds couldn't be read. She agreed to this until she realized Ayla is Martin's daughter and no longer wanted to be part of the operation.

Ayla bit her lip and looked away, not answering.

Jasmine fake frowned, "I guess she doesn't want to talk to me, how will I ever get through my breakfast." She grabbed her tray and walked away with her usual confident strut.

Ayla seemed to let go of a breath she'd been holding since Jasmine had arrived and gulped.

"Don't listen to her, Ayla. She's just trying to get inside your head."

"Metaphorically or literally."

Speaking of which, there was a big part of our world that I wanted to share with her.

My thoughts were cut short by the sounds of screams which quickly woke up Kyle and made him spring to his feet. We dropped our food and raced to the opposite side of the cafeteria where screams echoed in the air. A crowd circled one of the table and we quickly cut in to see one of our teammates was frozen mid-bite.

I sighed and shook my head, this whole random people freezing thing was happening more frequently and we still had no leads about how or why it's happening. All we know is any random rebel was at risk to just randomly freeze and so far, none of the frozen have come out of it.

"What..." Ayla whispered and I heard her thoughts echo in my head: they look just like my parents.

I grabbed her hand and led her out of the cafeteria, "Jack what was that?"

"Another person froze, the fourth so far and second this month." I hurried us down the hallway to my room before the head sounds the alarms and puts us on full lockdown.

"Why are we going so fast-"

"We have to be inside my room when the alarms start going off because you're not allowed to leave the area you're at once they go off." I opened the door for her and shut it behind just as your typical fire alarm sounded and engulfed us with its shrill sirens. I couldn't describe how much I hated the sound of those alarms, they made my head burn.

Ayla groaned and sat down in her heap of blankets and I hoped she wasn't mad that she would probably have to spend the rest of the day with me in my room.

After a couple minutes the alarms stopped and the head of the base's voice came through on the intercom. "Attention rebels, there has been another Insurgent affected with this freezing phenomenon. Isis Wood is sadly no longer with us but we must stay brave as we prepare a celebration of her life and gifts as a fellow clairvoyant. Once this message is done you are to stay wherever you are unless it's an emergency. Thank you."

"Did you know her?" Ayla asked after the head was done speaking.

I shrugged, "I mean yes but not really." I remembered her in class with me, always cracking jokes and making light of the situation she was in. She always joked that she chose her powers so she could talk to ghosts and after she came here, I wondered if she did see any ghosts.

She nodded, "I'm sorry."

I shrugged it off, any loss here was a great one with how we lacked in manpower and resources but I wasn't personally pained by this. It was nice that she cared though.

"Hey Jack, since we're stuck here for a while, is it okay if I ask you questions?"

I didn't like the idea of her asking me personal questions. I was fine answering ones about the Insurgence but she knew me back when I was still human, and that short time brought back pain I barely got through every single day. Or she could ask about the whole dead sister thing which would also be awkward.

"It's not your fault," I added quickly. "Jasmine said that you led to my family dying and I don't want you to feel like you owe me something and feel guilty."

Her eyebrows raised and she rapidly blinked, "I um... wasn't going to ask about that."

I pursed my lips but then shrugged, "I wanted to tell you that yesterday after she said it but I'm still... pretty sensitive about the subject."

She nodded, "I wanted to ask if you lied about me going home and being with my parents again."

If I was drinking water this would be the dramatic part where I spit it out all over her but instead, I choked on my own spit and coughed. "What?"

She smiled sadly, "I could tell you lied the way you stopped Kyle from talking. Kyle I've noticed says whatever he's thinking and does it with a sometimes condescending smile. You didn't let him talk and answered for him."

I began to nod, "I mean he would've said it in a blunt way and he he certainly wouldn't care."

"I didn't ask if he cared, I want to know what happens to me after I leave here." Her face was serious, her eyebrows raised up with curiosity and those big beautiful hazel eyes reflected gold in the awful lighting. She didn't want to be lied to and I directly disregarded that when I promised her answers.

"Truthfully... I have no idea."

Her eyes closed and I heard her audibly sigh.

"If someone came before you then I would know what to tell you but I just don't. All I can hope is that you come out of this still you. Still good. Still innocent." I went over and sat in front of her, trying my best to come across as sincere.

"Jack... is it selfish that I don't even care if I see my parents again?" She whispered. "Maybe I can go home after all this and live alone just like always. We have money so once I'm eighteen I can pay for the house and hopefully I can go back to school no matter how much I hate it there and get a job?"

I couldn't help but smile softly, "I like that you're telling me this. Where would you work?"

"I'm not entirely sure but hopefully somewhere with children, I love children and in some ways I still feel like a child since I never-"

"Never got the chance to grow up?" I felt that too in a different way.

She nodded, "Exactly."

"Honestly I'm not the biggest fan of your parents so my opinion might be slightly biased," I forced a laugh.

She laughed with me, "Honestly I'm so sorry about that and if it makes you feel better I spent all my life feeling guilty and thinking about what my mother did."

It didn't make me feel better but it was crazy to me that she didn't just forget about me. The thought of Ayla growing up and thinking about me and what might've happened to me was reassuring, as if I somehow still existed in the normal world.

Her eyes were distant and I could see it on her face she was reminiscing. "My mother was... mean."

I stared at her silently, I already knew this and I had suspicions even before she got here about her conditions within her house, the relationship with not even just her mother but both of her parents. I wanted her to tell me.

"And I only realized that that's not how things should be until I realized that I don't really care if they come out of... whatever it is they're under," she sighed, "And I feel so guilty about it but... that's not how it should be. I should be upset even traumatized from what I witnessed but although they tried to keep me out of all this," she looked around my room, "Part of it was their fault," she whispered.

"They didn't act like parents either I mean... I never got Easter egg hunts or Halloween or Christmas and I remember listening to all the kids describing their holidays and all these things they got. As a kid that's embarrassing...I didn't even get to finish elementary school, the were almost never home, they didn't give me clothes that fit me, mother would say such rude things to me and lock me in a closet... She-" Ayla shook her head, "She would pull my hair," she said with a quivering voice and I knew I had to prepare for tears. "She smacked me around and wouldn't feed me if I did something wrong and I don't even know what I did wrong..."

"Ayla... you did absolutely nothing wrong. You were just a kid." I watched her head fall forward and her arms wrap around her body.

"And I've been hurting for so long and they just ignored it," she sniffled. "I thought I was going to die too many times for someone my age. I'm seventeen and... I don't even know what that means." She sat up and looked at me, "And I blame them... I'm so mad at them. I don't care if it was for my own protection- half of that wasn't even necessary."

"And I agree." I met her eyes, "Absolutely none of this was your fault, okay?"

She smiled, drying her own eyes, "It's funny now that I'm here I'm starting to realize that."

Part of me deflated- I didn't want her to get used to staying here. We were going to have to say goodbye at some point, and if I got the chance to send her on her way I would easily erase her memories so she could have the life she imagines. We felt like... developing friends and there was no room for that in this world. She is a job. She is nothing more than an assignment and I need to stop letting circumstances cloud my judgment before it gets her hurt.

"Do you miss your parents?" She asked, "I know it must be a sore subject-"

"It is." I stood up and laid down on my bed. "Thank you for telling me what you did, but I'm not going to dive down into my traumas just because you did."

"Oh." I heard her sigh, "Okay... sorry."

When I originally was given this task and was forming this plan to bring her here, I wanted to make myself mean and make this hard shell I've already created bulletproof because I wanted her to respect me. I wanted to avoid what was happening right now because I knew it's impractical. However it just happened so fast... suddenly I can talk to her. Suddenly I want to talk to her and hear how our opposite sides of the same coin were connected. She was happy now, she wasn't in pain anymore... but it shouldn't be that way.