13

The sound of Cyrian's voice woke me up as the sun was already high in the sky. I looked at him sleepily and only vaguely remembered the time after the painkillers.

"Good afternoon, my little sleepyhead. You need to eat and drink something to regain your strength, otherwise your cold could get worse, the doctor said." Cyrian smiled at me invitingly.

"The doctor who knocked me out with painkillers?" I asked dryly. Not necessarily the person I would trust right now.

"It wasn't on purpose, we just don't have doctors for humans and that makes it a bit harder to estimate how much you'll need. But don't worry, I've already arranged for a doctor to be trained in human medicine." Cyrian explained to me.

I narrowed my eyes in pain as a memory broke through the fog in my head. I remembered a conversation I had with my brother a few weeks before the war.

We sat in my room and talked. We used to do that often. For siblings, we had surprisingly few arguments. He told me that when he grew up he wanted to be a doctor to save and protect people. I admired him so much for that.

Only now did I realize what my brother had actually told me at the time. He did not want to become a doctor out of charity, but a doctor with them. He wanted to support the crimes against the werewolves along with the rest of my village, which was why he had spoken so often of medicine.

I tried to shake the thought of my brother standing in a doctor's coat in the basement of City Hall over a dying werewolf.

I shook my head left and right hoping to get that fantasy out of my head, but it didn't help.

"Hey, what's up?" Cyrian's voice startled me, I had completely forgotten he was still there.

"He wanted to be a doctor. He wanted to be a doctor for those damn pigs."

There was no more sadness in me, instead I felt only raging anger. I ran my fingers through my hair and almost jumped out of bed.

"He was my role model, I always wanted to be like him."

I paced up and down the room shaking my head.

"He was always so warm and kind. He protected me from everything and everyone. Once he got into a fight with the boy next door because he stuck his tongue out at me."

I knew Cyrian had no idea what I was talking about, but for some reason I spoke out loud anyway. Maybe because it helped me vent all my anger.

For a brief moment I wished I was back in the arena. Being able to punch a box sack in anger or swing your sword for a round.

As so often in the last few days, Cyrian suddenly stood in front of me and swung me onto his arms. Then he started moving and left the room.

"I can walk myself too." I grumbled, but I was pretty sure Cyrian wouldn't care.

"I know, but the doctor said you should take it easy, and pacing up and down agitated isn't taking it easy."

I said nothing and eyed Cyrian. He was almost preternaturally beautiful. His eyes shine, his full lips and his prominent cheekbones. I gently reached out to his face and stroked his stubble.

So much had happened in such a short time that I didn't even have time to organize my thoughts in relation to Cyrian. I knew now that my father and my brother were anything but good people, but what about the others? My mum wasn't in the book and she certainly wasn't the only one. What about all the good people who died because of Cyrian? Whom he had enslaved?

Could I really trust this man? No, I couldn't. No matter how much everything inside me screamed that he would never lie to me, I didn't know Cyrian. How was I supposed to know this whole mate story was real?

The uncomfortable pounding in my head returned. I closed my eyes briefly and took a deep breath. I could take care of the Cyrian thing once my headache finally went away, because apparently Cyrian wasn't going to go away that easily.

"Who did you mean by him?" indeed, there was a hint of jealousy in Cyrian's voice.

"My older brother," I admitted. I looked into Cyrian's silver eyes and saw the guilt that lay there. He knew full well that my family's death was his fault.

"His name was Thomas Cleeves." I didn't know why I kept telling. "He went into battle with the others. He was only fourteen."

A single tear escaped from the corner of my eye and dripped onto the cold floor.

Cyrian stopped abruptly.

"He was only fourteen?!" he asked again. "Then he was still a child from a wolfish point of view!"

"From human too." I answered.

"No, you don't understand what I mean." Cyrian fixed me with bright eyes. "We didn't kill any children, they were pardoned. Your brother may still be alive!"

I poked around my plate with my fork. I shifted the fried potatoes from one side of the plate to the other without even putting one in my mouth.

"Please eat something." Cyrian said now for the fifth time.

I speared a small tomato and brought it to my mouth. She tasted of nothing.

"You haven't eaten for a long time, it's important that you eat."

I didn't reply but pushed the piece of meat back and forth on my plate. I give Cyrian credit for being so kind and patient with me, but my stomach rebelled just at the thought of food.

"Then at least talk to me, what's going on? What happened in Undervillage? Or was it my fault, shouldn't I have said anything to your brother?"

My hand clenched and I stopped playing with my food. That was the big question that popped up in my head. Did I even want to know if my brother is alive? Did I even want to see him again?

There were already enough unanswered questions in my head. Would my brother make it worse or would it help me know for sure?

Do I wish he was alive or dead?

Did I hope he had a nice life or not?

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Cyrian getting up and walking around the table. His warm hand closed around my cramped one and gently drew circles on the back of my hand.

His silvery gray eyes looked at me questioningly and concerned.

"It's too much. It's just all too much." I tried to make him understand. All the things in the last few days had left their mark on me. I could neither assess the situation with my brother nor with Cyrian. It scared me to have so many variables in my life.

"I know it's a lot. But maybe if you talk to me I can help you. Take some of the heavy burden off your shoulders."

I eyed Cyrian thoughtfully. Could I tell him what I saw? Why was I so reluctant to look for my brother? no Even though my gut told me I could trust him, my mind knew it wouldn't be very wise. My feelings had always told me that I could trust my family, but that had been a lie. My whole life had been a lie.

"You can't do that. I don't even know if I would want to see my brother at all. I can't even assess the situation with you yet." I honestly admitted.

"It would be a while before I could find out anything about your brother anyway. Let's go step by step. First you look at the situation with me, then you can still decide how we should proceed with your brother ." Cyrian suggested cautiously.

"And if I don't like the situation with you?" I finally dared to say what I was thinking from the beginning. I couldn't deny the attraction between me and Cyrian. But he talked about staying together forever. What if I didn't want that? Did I even have a choice? He was the king of the werewolves. He wouldn't let me go again. I would be held captive by him in a gilded cage, with not the slightest chance of escaping it all.

"You're my mate," Cyrian began after a moment of silence. "It's almost impossible not to be around you."

I nodded. That's exactly what I thought.

"You are all I have, but one thing will always be more important. That you are safe and happy. If I know you are safe somewhere else and you are happier there without me, I will let you go."

I looked at him in surprise. I would not have expected this. Although, there was probably no safer place for me than here, so it was just a nice paraphrase from him to let me know that I was going to stay here.

"Please give me at least the chance to make you happy. Allow it and I will never let you down."

His eyes sparkled pleadingly at me and I knew what my answer would be even before he had finished his sentence, because I had long been addicted to the thought of having him by my side forever.

I slowly nodded my head. Almost at the same time a broad grin spread across his face.

"Okay, otherwise our trip would probably have fallen through."

"Excursion? Where to?" I couldn't suppress my curiosity.

"You'll see that when we're there. But first you eat something. You're way too thin."

I rolled my eyes but actually started eating again. Somewhere deep inside, I regained my courage. Cyrian had really helped me a lot, even if he wasn't really aware of it.

Now I had a plan. I would deal with Cyrian first, and then I would decide whether or not to look for my brother.

At that point I didn't know that some things are not so easy to plan and that the past often catches up with the future faster than I thought.