20

Who am I?

Who do I want to be?

where do i belong

My head was full of questions and thoughts. I've been here with the people for three days now and felt surprisingly comfortable. Wherever I went I was greeted happily, few seemed suspicious of me. A welcome change from life among wolves.

Being here was good for me. Although I was not allowed to leave the village, I still had a certain freedom of movement. It was nice to feel the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair when I roamed the fields.

Of course, I also had to make a contribution to life in society. The choice was easy for me. I helped on the plantations where fruit and vegetables grew. I sat in the treetops of the tall apple trees and reached for the red fruit.

I was really happy.

Even though there was this little dark cloud inside me, this dark, sad feeling, I managed to block it all out.

I stopped thinking about him or wolves in general. I suppressed everything I had been driving for the last few weeks, because as soon as I didn't do that, a pain spread inside me that took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes.

But that wasn't the only thing I ignored. Also that I only had a month to convince the others not to kill me slipped out of my sight.

I just didn't want it all. I didn't want my life to be so terrible, so full of fear. So I tuned out anything that frightened me or filled me with sadness and pain.

But there was a catch. There was nothing left of me. When I erased everything from my mind that had hurt me or made me feel bad, slowly nothing was left.

My mother lied to me and betrayed me, as did my father and my brother. The rest of the village had also hidden their dark secrets from me, leaving me in ignorance.

So there was nothing left of my childhood to think about.

My life after that was also marked by pain and disappointment. I hadn't had any friends as a fighter, actually that part of my life was just filled with meaningless emptiness.

And then there were the bittersweet weeks with Cyrian.

Sweet because every hour, minute and second had been real with him. Every moment had been so pure and perfect.

Bitter because I didn't understand it until the moment he was gone. So until now.

Only now did I understand what it meant to have someone like Cyrian in your life. Someone who doesn't disappoint or lie to you. Who cares and cares.

And that's why it hurt so much to be separated from him. Because I knew that all of that was in the past, and that there would never be a moment quite like what I had with The Wolf King. And that hurt.

But if I blocked out the pain, there was nothing left of me. I was an empty shell, running through the groups of people smiling and always greeting everyone in a friendly way.

However, at some point I had to face my memories and thus myself. But how could I if I didn't even know who I am? So far I had always acted as I was told.

As a child, I had followed my parents' orders, then the orders of the referee, and finally I was under Cyrian's influence. But who was I apart from the others?

I didn't know, and I wouldn't find out here either, because I was never alone here either. Most of the time my brother was watching me and when he wasn't, someone else was.

All the feelings I've been repressing every hour since I've been here want to get out, but I couldn't show how desperate I was, how sad and confused.

So I waited, smiled and sapped all the feelings deep inside me. And whenever one of my feelings wanted to flare up again because people were talking about wolves or the children were saying cruel songs about them, I would bury the feeling even deeper.

Then I was happy again. I could reach for the sweet apples on the trees again and pick the strawberries from the bushes. I was living in an illusion created by myself so I wouldn't have to deal with myself and everyone else.

But illusions are fleeting and feelings cannot be suppressed forever. The truth is just as cunning as the lie, it always finds a way to get out.

And when it comes time to face the truth, I don't know how long I can hold out before it breaks me.

There was something comforting about the cold metal in my hand. Not long ago, my sword had been my only true ally. It had all been so much easier before I met Cyrian.

Now, standing here again brandishing a sword left me with a bitter taste of nostalgia.

I had started with the simple exercises to see if I had forgotten how to fight with a sword. But it was not like that.

Every movement came automatically. I put one foot in front of the other before I even knew what exercise I wanted to do.

Admittedly, it was quite undemanding to train without an opponent, but I finally had some peace and quiet.

The time passed surprisingly quickly and Thomas was beginning to worry about the vote that would decide my life. So he introduced me to all sorts of people and made sure I was seen often in the community.

It helped. In the last few days, my popularity had increased even more. But that alone didn't make me a good leader.

"Here you are" Thomas interrupted me in my exercise. "Everything's OK with you?"

I nodded and gave him a short smile. Even though it was his fault that I wasn't with Cyrian anymore and that so many wolves died, I realized that he never stopped watching over me.

He was still my big brother.

"It is not sufficient." Thomas broke the silence after a few minutes.

"What do you think?" I replied, even though I knew exactly what he meant.

"People like you, but only as a member of the community, not as a leader," he explained the obvious.

"Why is it so important that I become leader?" I broached the sensitive subject. "Can't you just be the leader? You're doing great."

My brother shook his head almost angrily.

"It's your destiny, Lexa. I know it's a lot of responsibility and it scares you, but you have to take your rightful place. Only with you can we drive out the wolves and give humanity the life it deserves."

I just shook my head and continued my exercises. Again there was silence for a moment.

"You have to show them that you're a good leader too. You can't prove that by helping on the orchards or by greeting people nicely."

I knew the tone because my brother struck. He already had a precise plan and was now trying to make it palatable to me.

I spun my sword in my right hand and then punched the air a few times.

"What you up to?" I asked without looking at my brother.

"They must see you with some leader assignments..." Thomas said casually.

I finished my practice and turned back to my brother. I looked at him critically, knowing that I wouldn't like what he was about to say at all.

"What you up to?" I repeated my question with a serious undertone.

"I'll show you the places where leaders operate. We'll go into the jail cells, the labs, and the war tent. It's time for you to prove yourself."

I felt my heart beating faster and faster. I was struggling for breath and couldn't seem to get enough oxygen into my lungs.

So far I've been able to put it aside how evil the actions of my brother and this community are. But if I had to go down to the laboratories like I did in my hometown, it would all shatter my illusionary world.

My protective shell of ignorance and disbelief in what was happening here would shatter.

The sword slipped out of my hand and clattered loudly on the floor.

"Lexa?! Are you alright?"

With just a few steps, my brother covered the meters that separated us and supported me so that I didn't fall over.

"It's OK now." I mumbled dazedly. "But I can't possibly go there Thomas." I looked at my brother almost begging.

He looked at me tenderly and apologetically. "I'm afraid there's no other choice, Lexa. I'll be by your side the whole time and nothing will happen to you."

He kissed the top of my head lovingly, as he always did when I cried as a child and he comforted me.

"I can't do that, Thomas," I tried to explain to him again, but I knew I wouldn't be able to change his mind.

"Let's start slowly and go to the prison cells, that's where I have to go today anyway. The people there are all behind bars, so nothing can happen to them." guaranteed me Thomas.

I wasn't afraid of the people in the cells. I feared the injustice of my community. I was afraid to see the truth because once I saw it, I couldn't ignore it anymore.

Not noticing my anxious, desperate look, my brother supported me and we slowly walked in the direction of the prison.

"Ready?" Thomas asked me as we stood at the edge of the forest and he let me go so we could go to the prison guards.

I've never been less willing in my life.

"Ready."