cinco

I'd like to fight back, but I'm well aware that doing so would only make Zaret angry. So I let him have my back against the wall. And even when he stands right in front of me, I stop dead in my tracks. "Why didn't you stay at the brothel?" It sounds neutral. Like this is a nice conversation. But I know better. So I swallow hard while trying to find the right words.

"I can't work anymore for now." I look him straight in the eye. Zaret mustn't see how much he intimidates me. And for the first time in a long time I see him when it's still light. The dirt of the mine shaft is shining to have already eaten into his skin, and his hair no longer looks raven black, but seems to have been coated with a gray layer.

But that's not what draws my attention, it's the huge scar on her cheek. A shaft that Zaret was working in at the time collapsed. The stones have buried him under them. And one fell right on his cheekbones. He struggled with this injury for months. At that time I was sure that he would not survive. The nose also shows that it was hit by a heavy boulder. This one is crooked. But I don't have time to examine him further, so Zaret goes on: "And how do you want to pay me then?"

And that makes me close my eyes in resignation. Yes, I'm wondering that too. However, not how I should pay it off, but how I should bear all my costs. But I can't answer that yet. After all, I have no idea what I'm going to get as payment. Since I can't say that, I just lift my chin a little and try to project as much strength as I can. "You'll get your money as soon as I can go back to work."

Zaret raises an eyebrow in disbelief and approaches me. And with every centimeter he covers, the dominance increases. Only when our faces hover in front of each other does he stop. "That's not what I wanted to hear."

The voice seems a few octaves lower and now the warning can be heard more than clearly. But I don't look down. Show no weakness. Only this time I have to be strong. "Then you should have held back yesterday! I can't work with the wound in my stomach." A blatant lie. At least for me. But I hope Zaret believes it. One rule when a rich man chooses one is never to talk about it. In itself it would be a way to get back into the brothel without losing regular customers. The only problem is that Pete would find out that I couldn't keep my mouth shut. And that would cost me my job. So I'm silent about that. But Zaret seems like that to me he just shakes his head and grabs my chin roughly.

And that's true. But I can't tell. "Yes, but my injuries were also in other places," I hiss and want to free myself from the grip. But of course he doesn't let go, his fingers dig even more into my skin. "I don't care. I want to my money," he grumbles, and now it's seen around my facade. I beg him with my eyes to let go of me - just give me some rest. But that doesn't help either. Zaret doesn't care how miserable I am.

"You got everything I got yesterday," I whisper, tears welling up in my eyes. Not because I'm lying to him again, nor because there's this miserable desperation again, but because I'm incredibly scared that he is now taking my gold coin from me too. Not that I have it with me. But it is in my possession. And Zaret could manage to torment me so much that I would voluntarily hand it over to him. I know that already. And each time I despise myself a bit more for my weakness.

He leans in even further and his lips brush against my skin. This touch, no matter how gentle, pushes me even deeper into submission. It shows I'm at my mercy. I have no chance to defend myself. "Why don't I believe you?" And what he says sends a shiver down my spine. Unable to control it, a whimper squeezes down my throat as he continues: "So your last chance, Kalota. Why don't you work? "

And now I know that no excuses will get me out of here. But I can't tell either. I could never lose my job with Pete. Then I would have to work for another pimp. And they are all cruel. So I shake my head as more and more tears blur my vision. "I can't say." It's no more than a breath, but again Zaret doesn't care how desperate I am. He just lets out an annoyed sound and now grabs my neck. "

And with that he pulls me forward. I make a strained tone and plant my feet on the floor. no He mustn't drag me off the main road. Then I am completely at his mercy. At least there are still people here who might hinder him. But that's over as soon as we're alone. I am sure of that. But my malnutrition is now more than noticeable. I don't manage to exert enough force, but am relentlessly pulled on. I look around in panic. People see us, but nobody reacts. And that's what drives me insane.

"Please help me," I scream hysterically, and now the first tear manages to escape from my eye. I'm so indescribably afraid of what Zaret is doing. That he'll take everything from me. My money. My job. My last hope help someone," I whisper, looking at the people passing me by. They stop, but nobody intervenes. But apparently that's enough for Zaret. Immediately he spins around to face me and the hatred in his eyes makes me forget to breathe. But instead of attacking me, assess the people around us.

"Come on. Who has the guts to stand in my way?" he barks outright, and then there's the rumble of thunder again. I wince immediately, looking to the others for help. But they're scared too. Nobody takes a step towards us. Rather the opposite is the case. Most of them avoid my gaze. Some slowly walk on. And that's exactly what makes me sob. No help. No rescue. I'm so fixated on my surroundings that I don't focus on Zaret for a moment eighth. And so I see the hand too late. He grabs my hair and with a strong jerk forces me to my knees.

"No one? Nobody wants to help this woman?" he yells even louder, and Zaret's aggressiveness makes me whimper. And that seems to be enough for the rest of the people around us too. Everyone turns away from us and quickly moves on. And That just makes me shake my head in resignation. Once again I'm being ignored by society. Again, no one wants to help me. It's the same as always. I hope it gets better. But it never will. It's like it is I'm in the middle of a whirlpool. A cycle. Fighting. Losing. And maybe I would be okay with it. But the problem is, the whirlpool pulls me deeper with every circle I go through. It's only a matter of time before I choke. When all the burdens get too heavy.

"That's what I thought." Zaret looks at the rest of the people in disgust and in that moment I know that he thinks the same thing as I do. That humanity has been lost. Somewhere among all the poverty it has been forgotten And when Zaret turns back to me, I can't stop my lower lip from trembling.

"You're going to regret that," he whispers, pointing in a direction. It's obvious that he's not going to drag me with him anymore. I'm supposed to comply of my own accord I shake my head and wrap my arms around my torso. Suddenly there's that coldness that's frightening me so much, creating a panic inside me that even Zaret can't evoke.

"Kalota, get your ass moving now or I'll make sure you never really get to work again." The menace in the words makes me shudder. I look around again, but I don't really need the look. No one's going to help me. "They're all afraid to stand in Zaret's way. So I take the first step forward. And this movement makes my heart heavy. Even breathing seems exhausting to me. But I know that. It's the feeling of the absolute." Inferiority. That I'm just not worth anything. I glance at Zaret again and he looks at me with satisfaction. "Faster," he mutters, placing his hand on my lower back, pushing me forward.

And as we go deeper and deeper into the slum, all I can see is the ground. I don't care where we end up in the end. I lost. Again. So I just let Zaret push me along. He stops in front of a door and without knocking, he pushes it open. I immediately wrinkle my nose at the smell of stale air and sweat. But Zaret seems to know that. He doesn't hesitate for a second to push me into the room. I stumble easily, but recover fairly quickly. Immediately I look around and realize that we are not alone. His two cronies are sitting at a table and that makes my blood run cold.

So I look back at Zaret, hoping for some kind of sympathy, or at least some sign that he's not hurting me. But nothing can be seen. And that just makes me shake my head in disbelief. I have not done anything! He got his money yesterday. I usually have a few days off after that. But since the other two men frighten me more, I take a step towards Zaret. "What am I supposed to do here?" Weak. My voice is much too quiet, shows how I feel. So infinitely small.

He just shrugs and looks at me. "First of all, I want to know why you're not working today." I nod and take another small step towards him. It's hard for me to close the distance to him. But I have to. I have to make it clear to him that I'm willing to give in. And that's the best way. "You'll get your money. I promise. I'll come to you as soon as I get back to work." It's not an answer to the question. I am aware of that. But it might appease him, and I mean it. I don't want to have to choose between my physical integrity and my job. Then he should have some of my money. That would be okay.

Zaret shakes his head and makes a face apologetically. "That's not enough for me this time." And that just makes me sigh in resignation. Zaret has never done that before. Otherwise, the only thing that matters to him is the money. Nothing else.

"After all, you've tried to run away from me twice. So now I want a concession.” He smiles smugly, and normally that would be enough to rouse my pride. But not here. Not in this room with two other men. I have enough sanity left to realize , how slim my chances are here. And I know this sentence. Zaret wants me to curry favor. Even if he won't accept the offer, he wants me to suffer. He wants me to offer myself to my blackmailer. Simply because he wants to make it clear to me which of us is in charge. But again I see no way of defying him. And so I remove the last centimeters between us, snuggle up to him. This movement is difficult for me. The closeness of Zaret awakens disgust in me. self-doubt. And hate. Hatred for me and my weakness.

"OK. You can have my body." Saying body is fully intentional. It's a kind of resistance for me without really being one. A way of showing that he doesn't fully own me. That my soul is only mine. Nobody else. Nevertheless, my face blushes. And not because I'm offering him sex. I know that. It's my daily bread. Instead, Zaret makes sure that I'm embarrassed. I know his attitude towards me and my job. Eventually he shows me that. Over and over again. And every time it tears me up inside. Takes my breath away. And far too often Zaret's words are the reason I cry myself to sleep. That I feel like I'm being eaten from the inside out and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

He grins and slides his hand down my chin over my cleavage. The calluses on the skin scratch easily, but I don't pay any attention to that. The sight of Zaret captivates me too much. How he manages to create this unspeakable presence with just his eyes. "You wouldn't survive if I accepted this offer," he whispers, and what he says gives me goosebumps. God, that voice is driving me to the brink of madness. Nevertheless, I answer: "I already know everything. You could too don't shock me anymore."

And now his appearance is changing. He no longer poses any threats, instead Zaret seems amused. But not in the bad way. It looks real. The first time I see him carefree. And that actually makes my heart beat faster.

"I'm not talking about sex per se," he mutters, leaning slightly toward me. "But I'd fuck your brains out and show that sex isn't just about taking." These words make me swallow hard. He seems so confident and in fact Zaret manages it by making me imagine for the first time what he must be like in bed. This thought comes up only briefly. Just a second. But that's enough to pull the rug out from under my feet. I must never think that.

He seems to notice that his sentence doesn't leave me cold and laughs softly. Then the lips sink to my cheek. He touches it very tentatively and without being able to control it, I breathe more shallowly. He is affectionate. And this time without intimidation. Simply that way. Damn what the hell is going on here?

He brushes his mouth up to my ear. And I should offer him passwords. turn away Show that I don't care about his words. But that's not the case. I want to hear what he has to say.

"And since I have enough women to enjoy it, I don't need you." Zaret bites my earlobe lightly, but that's not what draws your attention. It's the sound of his breathing. It's heavy, but at the same time this even one is radiant There's a stillness that takes hold of me, but I don't want to show it to him, so I clear my throat before replying, "You wouldn't be the first to give me an orgasm." I sound pouty. It wasn't intentional, so I bite my lower lip hard. He snorts in amusement and nibbles my neck briefly before moving away.

"Just the fact that you don't know the difference between good sex and an orgasm shows what you're missing, little Kalota." He brushes his thumb over my lower lip and his eyes shine with pleasure. It's obvious that Zaret is in this situation enjoys more than just a little bit. "Orgasm might be the icing on the cake, but that's not what makes sex good. It's how it happens."

And that just makes me stare at him wide-eyed while he's free to tangle his hand in my hair. "Do you know that? The feeling of flying even though you are in bed? When even the lightest touch of the other is enough to ignite a desire that drives you insane and nothing matters anymore except this one moment?"

Would like to reply. To say that it is not true and that I have experienced all that is described. But he's right. Yes, I've had orgasms before. The last one wasn't even a day ago. But I don't know the feeling of flying. And so the words get stuck in my throat. This, in turn, shows him clearly how much his words are throwing me off track, and he exhales contentedly.

"It's crazy that you're probably the one in this room who's had the most sex and yet you have no idea." He looks at me for a moment and suddenly there's that haughty manner again. "But the good thing is, my friends here aren't that savvy when it comes to sex either." He points to the table where the two are sitting. In fact, I've forgotten them and glance over at them for a moment. "And they would certainly be happy to put your skills to the test."

****

And that makes my blood run cold. I do not want that. Not at all. I look at the two men again and exhale heavily. Not that all my clients are blessed with beauty. But this is different. Zaret wants to demote me in every way. Wants to show that he can even force me to sleep with others. A whole new way of demonstrating his power over me. And so I just shake my head in desperation and look up at him. "I can not do that."

He immediately furrows his eyebrows and looks at me in surprise. "How so? Didn't you just offer me the same?"

What I said makes it hard for me to swallow. Yes I have. But with the knowledge that he won't accept it. And above all, there is a difference between offering and that someone decides. I made a decision on one. With the other someone else. One makes me feel like I have a say. A kind of independence. At least somehow. But Zaret is snatching all of that from me right now. "No, that's not the same," I whisper, hoping he understands. But once again, my hope is dashed by a simple shrug.

"Actually, I don't care." He clicks his tongue and looks at his buddies. "But you can be sure of one thing, you won't leave this cabin without the two of them having a good time." And now Zaret is grinning. "The only question is how that should be the case."

And that's exactly what makes the first tear run hot down my cheek. It is obvious what Zaret is saying here. Either I get raped or I do it voluntarily. But neither is an option for me. I could never give in to him. The big problem would be that the boundaries would become blurred. So far it's been money. But what if he always asks for it. To the money. An unbelievable fear is released in me that this will change the relationship between Zaret and myself. But again I don't see a chance. After all, rape would be fatal. That would drive out the rich - would damage my reputation.

And yet there is a small hope in me that he doesn't mean it. he is playing with me Wouldn't do that to me. why? He got the money from me yesterday. And that's not a small amount for today. So why would Zaret force me to have sex with the men. So I only look into the brown eyes, recognize the seriousness. But that could be played. It's definitely played. I keep bringing this up. And yet I shiver. The fear that I'm wrong makes me tremble slightly. Zaret sees it and raises an eyebrow. He enjoys that I have such respect for him that he manages to stir up this panic in me without any violence. Only through words.

Zaret leans forward, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Tick tock, Kalota. Make up your mind." And as he stands right in front of me, with all his arrogance, with his lack of empathy, the helplessness turns to anger. God, that asshole. After all, he took all my money from me yesterday. But even that doesn't seem like it enough. He keeps pushing it. Will never stop. No escape. One game after another. And each time it seems to get crueler. As if my desperation were his drug. And so I wonder what I did that made him Treated me like that. Normally I always paid on time, tried to placate him. But all that doesn't seem enough. I feel like this is all getting to be too much. It's getting to my head. All the events, of the last day roll over me. Steal my sanity. I only know one thing. I want to hurt someone anyone. Maybe that would help me. Some kind of sewer. And so I don't think about it, I just put my head forward.

Apparently Zaret wasn't prepared for this, because my forehead actually hits his lips. And with that he lets go of me. I know this decision is stupid. After all, there is no escaping Zaret. But right now I have a chance. Only win against him once. Only have one win on my side. So I'm running. The door is behind Zaret and I dash past him quickly. The scraping of chairs on the wooden floor can be heard. Shows that the other two have now also jumped up. But I do not care. I've got to get out of here. And the door is so close. I stretch out my hand. Touch the iron of the handle. push it down And then there is the icy air. One more step and I'm out. Not even a meter.

And just as I'm about to get this over with, my hair is being pulled backwards. A pulling pain develops on my scalp and I cry out. But I can deal with that. Too much force is used in the pull. And so I stumble. wants to catch me But I can't. I hit the ground hard with my butt. But that doesn't bring tears to my eyes. Because I'm still looking at the open door. Recognize the alley. And then the wood slowly moves in front of it until only that is visible. It wipes out all the fighting spirit I just felt. And with that comes the paralysis. I know that. Giving up and accepting what follows. It feels like I'm dying inside. As if all sensations would withdraw. And when these are gone leave only an empty shell. It's actually a kind of protection. It keeps me from going insane. But that's not how it is today. This time the bitter truth is too present.

So I scoot backwards, squinting to at least get a better look. And then there is Zaret. Blood runs down his chin and he wipes it away with the back of his hand, looking at the red streaks. But he doesn't seem angry. He smiles. And that scares me more than all the aggressiveness could. It shows security. "Actually, I thought you'd just answer me with words." Then he looks at me and shrugs. "But that's also kind of an answer, isn't it?" velvety soft. The voice sounds tender and yet every syllable resonates with a threat that goes to my core.

I sob softly, shaking my head. "Zaret please. Please have mercy." He laughs softly and in fact seems amused by the situation. He delights in my begging. It makes me even more desperate and I sniffle. And now I don't care that I'm not allowed to talk about the rich man. After all, I'm in this situation because of him."I can't have sex because one of the rich ones forbade it," I whisper and Zaret smiles. In fact, I'm confused that he doesn't ask any more questions. After all, he also knows that this is not the normal procedure. "That's why I'm not working today."

Then he squats down and looks at me closely. But he doesn't need to say anything to show me that he's made up his mind. There is determination. With every fiber he radiates that he will have me raped. And that should make me panic even more. I would have to look away. If the two men are watching, try to forestall them. But I can not. I can only look at the man in front of me. The one who decides what the rest of my life is like. And as he slowly bows his head, I'm filled with absolute disbelief. He can't do that. "Do you really think I don't already know that?"

And that makes me stop. How does he know that? But before I can say anything, he gets up again. "It's yours." He waves his hand in the air, but it's not that that makes me sob in despair, it's the boredom of the voice that makes me forget everything I said before. I want to yell at him to look at me. Doesn't he see what he's doing with it? That the last bit of dignity is being ripped from me and that he's simply taking everything from me. It hurts. So damn hurts. My pulse is racing, showing that the blood is being pumped through my body , and yet I feel like I'm about to die.

Then a grunt sounds. I immediately look around in panic. see the two men. How they greedily stretch out their hands for me and then I scream. My sound whips shrill through the small room. And although it seems so loud to me, not one of the men falters. They poke at me. Then pull on my dress and I? I huddle together as more and more tears make their way down my cheek. Then the tearing of fabric sounds. And it is precisely this sound that makes me tremble. It shows that this is not a Zaret game. That he's pushing the boundaries of our relationship. Or just completely destroyed. And that thought is enough to make me groan in agony. It's like something inside me is bursting. And I'm sure of one thing. Whatever just broke inside me it will never come back. It shows I'm helpless. That I need someone to protect me. I can't seem to do that. But there is nobody.

So they can rip the dress off my body. The fabric rubs painfully against my skin, but I have no strength to do anything. I am too weak. Too tired. So exhausted from my life. And when I feel the first hand on my skin, I want to die. Just fall asleep and never wake up again. I've experienced so much, seen so much. And yet I thought that I would be spared rape. But that doesn't seem right to me either. i am in hell I look at Zaret one last time. He turns to me slightly. He looks straight at me one last time. And one last time I want to ask for help.

"Don't let that happen." You can't hear it. Even I don't understand myself. But Zaret knows what I'm trying to tell him. He takes a deep breath. His chest heaves a lot with his breathing. Then he shakes his head and turns away. He leaves me alone. The shepherd has left his sheep.