i lost

I must have gone insane.

Hazel what were you thinking?!

On the push of thoughtlessness, I found myself on top of Archer, my arm pushed against the bed, supporting me as I hovered over him.

A long silence followed because firstly, it took time for me to realized the stupid and impulsive act I had done and second because I was caught up with staring into his eyes.

I bit my lower lip, embarrassed and working my brains to how I could get out of this without making a fool out of myself.

"Well? Aren't you going to continue what you were about to do?" he says to poke fun, he must've realized that I was having an internal conflict and I felt even more embarrassed.

I was slowly working to get off of him. "I wasn't planning to do any—" just as I was about to get off of him, he put his arm around my waist and pulled me down and made me fall on top of him completely.

My head fell on his chest, my arms failed to hold my body up and our legs were between each other's. My eyes were wide with shock and I tried to stand up quickly, but that wasn't possible because he was holding me closely.

At this extreme proximity, his scent was so strong and I wasn't really complaining, but then I detected the very faint scent of Jessica on him again and that made me remember why I acted to rashly.

I was taken aback, but then ultimately gave in to the sparks and stopped trying to escape him. He was my mate after all, he can't complain, and plus he's the reason I'm on top of him now. And so, I chose to rest my head on his chest.

"Is it Jessica?" he asks.

He must be a genius for figuring that out.

And did he have to ruin the moment? I just about forgot her when he drew me close to him but hearing him mention her name, the familiarity, the years of bond that I knew I couldn't break, it broke my heart a little.

His question replayed in my head. Is it Jessica?

It was always her.

Suddenly, the loneliness and frustration I felt earlier started coming back and I could feel my mood turning sour so quickly that it was also foreign to me. I was usually good at controlling my temper and emotions, but that could never be the case with him.

When he loosened his hold, I stood up and sat on the bed turning away from him.

"Yeah, it is her, Archer," I turn to him with a bitter smile on my face, "are you aware of the hell she puts me through? Ah, but even then you won't be able to do anything about it right?"

My own words were daggers to my heart. A dam was about to be broken from the pent up frustration I've been piling up during these past few weeks.

"I see. I'm sorry about that, I'll talk with her, tell her to stay away from you and I would just suggest you to avoid her."

Seriously? Is he kidding me right now?

I huffed air and couldn't suppress an eye roll.

"And you think that that's going to solve it? We're not kids fighting at each other's throat that we need you to separate us, Archer."

"Look, Jessica's being like that because she's wary of you, she thinks you might hurt me. It's her way of taking care of me so I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable."

Anger got a hold of me and at that very moment, I couldn't hold it back. It was my first time feeling this kind of... spite.

My nails were sharp claws and my fangs showed. I hovered above Archer and put my hand on his neck in an effort to strangle him.

However, instead of defending himself he just stared back at me even when I dug my claws deeper on his flesh and the smell of blood hang in the air.

I wanted to hurt him, I wanted him to feel how I was feeling but as I had done just that, the mate bond didn't let me forget that we were mates because I felt immediate remorse for hurting him and so I let go.

This time, I felt terrible.

I felt terrible that I hurt someone who was dear to me although I felt like he was always keeping me at an arm's length away from him.

But then I felt terrible because the realization that he was caught in another's spell and I felt like I could do nothing about it. I realized that I fell right into her trap, maybe Jessica was right, I was going to hurt Archer. The way I did just now.

I lost. I lost to her.

I looked at my hands that had his blood on it and the little food I forced myself to eat earlier was rising up.

"Get away from me, freak!"

"Is it true? Dozens of people died because of her?"

My head was starting to spin, I was shaking as I stared at the innocent blood on my hand and an image of a bloodied hand of a child flashed in my head.

"N-no...- it wasn't--" I panicked as I tried to control the shaking of my hand and fell to the floor.

My sight was blurred from tears that were threatening to fall and without realizing it, Archer was in front of me, he held my hand that had his blood on it and looked at it.

My eyes were wide open as the tears fell and I slowly looked up to him. His face carried the same expression he always had, but I noticed the small concern that his eyes held when he caught me looking at him, still frantic.

My eyes dropped to his neck, at the place where my mark should have been, I saw blood coming out of wound that I inflicted due to my anger.

"I didn't-- I didn't m-mean--" my voice was weak super shaky, not to mention that I was practically mumbling, I'm not sure if he understood my attempt to make an apology.

Instead, I was swept off the ground and was being carried by Archer. "Let's get you cleaned up." was all he said as he carried me out of my bedroom.

Despite the altercation that just happened, I found myself feeling relieved that

He led me to the bathroom and set me down on the vanity countertop of the main bathroom of the house. He stepped aside to take a towel from one of the drawers and wet it with water.

I was still shaken up. My mind is not right, it was full of thoughts and I didn't really know where to start calming myself down.

Archer was wiping my hand with a warm towel and started cleaning the blood away from my hand. And while he was doing this, I couldn't help but stare at the blood from his neck.

"This much isn't going to kill me," he said amidst the silence, "it'll heal." he finished and proceeded to show me the wound that had already stopped to bleed although the smell of blood was still prevalent in the air.

"Why didn't you fight back?" I asked, but he continued wiping my hand and then my grey pants that got blood on it too.

"And then? What good would it do?"

I swallowed hard.

"It would have made me feel better." I say bitterly and looked away from him, my chest heavy and full of aching.